Turning Winds—HEAL Survivor Report

(Formerly in Idaho, Currently in Montana—a.k.a. Turning Winds Academic Institute, Turning Winds Academy, Turning Winds Educational Institute)

 

submitted by Patrick Liberg (HEAL-IL Coordinator and Turning Winds Survivor) and edited with commentary and introduction by Angela Smith (HEAL-HQ Coordinator)

 

Introduction

 

We’d like to give a special thanks to Patrick Liberg of HEAL-IL for submitting this information.  Mr. Liberg is a brave soul.  He was born in 1989 and has found a great courage to come forward and use his experience as part of a foundation to expose institutionalized abuse in behavior modification programs. 

 

Mr. Liberg submitted his journals with notes/letters from during and after his internment at Turning Winds for Ms. Smith to transcribe and post here to inform others of what life was like in Turning Winds in Idaho in 2003 and 2004.  Mr. Liberg also submitted the deceptive brochure (exhibits A and B below) Turning Winds used to lure parents into their system.  We have also received a number of program details and other promotional materials and will be quoting various sections through out this introduction in order to provide further evidence of false-advertising, deceptive marketing, and human/civil rights violations of the clients imprisoned by Turning Winds. 

 

In Patrick’s entry for August 23rd, 2004, he mentions going by Rocky Mountain Academy (RMA).  Rocky Mountain Academy is/was one of many programs using the Chuck E. Diederich University (CEDU) cult model.  RMA is also where John Baisden (owner/founder of Turning Winds)got involved in the "troubled teen" racket.  Patrick also mentions having a friend currently at that program in that entry.  Here is a video on the CEDU founder and their practices:

 

 

 We have provided this video with hope that you, the reader/viewer, will understand the legitimate basis for our use of the word "cult" to describe the practices of abusive behavior modification programs like CEDU, Turning Winds, and many others.

 

The Brochure

 

The brochure uses a lot of vague language to describe what exactly they do at the program.  Questions we have regarding the language of this brochure are written out below and listed by section.

 

About Us

 

They state a goal of giving youth the “necessary tools” to rise above life’s obstacles.  However, there is no description of how they try to meet this goal.  There is no description of what these “tools” are or how they are transferred to the young adult.

 

The brochure assumes that the child does not understand or value his/her potential.  This is a leading phrase meant to reinforce the parent’s idea that they have a “troubled teen”.  And, it is a sales ploy.  It is not based on a legitimate assessment of the young adult’s needs.  Here is a copy of the questions asked to parents to determine if placement in the program is necessary (taken from the turningwinds.com website on August 31, 2005): (We suggest parents try to answer the following questions about themselves honestly and see if the point scale states they are at “high risk” or in need of intervention.  We haven’t found many if any children or adults who do not “qualify” or are not “assessed”, through this “Cosmopolitan” magazine type questionnaire, as being in “need” of outside intervention by the marketing department of the program.)

  1. Does your child* fail to complete assigned tasks? (1 point) (Parenthetical comments following point value are HEAL authored.)
  2. Does your child fail to follow instructions? (1 point)
  3. Does your child have difficulty with organization and orderliness? (1 point)
  4. Does your child exhibit hyperactivity at inappropriate times? (1 point)  (These questions are extremely suggestive and subjective.)
  5. Does your child have difficulty focusing/concentrating during tasks? (1 point)  (If so, they could be intellectually gifted, not troubled.)
  6. Does your child fail to complete tasks that require effort regardless of importance of the task? (1 point)
  7. Does your child have difficulty being patient or waiting for his/her turn? (1 point)
  8. Does your child intrude on conversations or tasks that he/she is not directly involved in? (1 point)
  9. Does your child attempt to negotiate and/or manipulate in order to avoid consequences and problems? (1 point)
  10. Does your child justify negative behaviors by blaming others? (1 point)
  11. Does your child fail to follow through with promises and/or commitments? (1 point)
  12. Does your child engage in mental and/or emotional degradation of others? (1 point)
  13. Is your child unwilling to recognize the impact of his/her behavior on family and friends? (1 point)
  14. Is your child unable to accept and/or understand other points of view? (1 point)
  15. Does your child use manipulation and deception in order to change others’ points of view? (1 point)  (Well, the program does.)
  16. Is your child unable to engage in effective problem solving strategies? (1 point) (When you were his/her age, did you?)
  17. Does your child have weekly outbursts or mood swings? (1 point)  (Mood swings are natural and part of puberty.)
  18. Does your child often break curfew without good reason? (1 point)
  19. Does your child purposely annoy others? (1 point) (Maybe they will grow up to be a comedian.)
  20. Does your child become easily angered? (1 point)  (Maybe they are stressed out, aren’t you?)
  21. Does your child refuse to abide by the requests of adults? (1 point) (Questioning authority is necessary to protect self/others from exploitation.)
  22. Does your child avoid participating in family activities and social events? (1 point)
  23. Does your child blame others for inappropriate behaviors and/or mistakes? (1 point)
  24. Does your child neglect to follow house rules? (1 point)
  25. Does your child argue about insignificant events? (1 point)  (Do you think you argued with your parents about things they thought were insignificant at the time?)
  26. Does your child become impatient or easily agitated by others? (1 point) (Maybe they are stressed out…)
  27. Is your child failing one or more courses in school? (2 points) (Have you asked your child if there is a problem with the teacher?)
  28. Does your child use profanity? (2 points) 
  29. Does your child have difficulty confiding in others? (2 points)  (How do you know?  Have you talked to everyone they know?  Maybe it’s just between you.)
  30. Is your child openly defiant towards parents and/or teachers? (2 points)  (Questioning authority and a bit of testing boundaries is all part of adolescence and the transition to adulthood.   Question is way too subjective.)
  31. Has your child undergone therapy and/or counseling without results? (2 points)  (Have you participated and/or accepted any suggestions for improving your parenting/communication skills in regards to your child(ren)?)
  32. Does your child go out of the way to make others like him/her? (2 points)
  33. Does your child take things without asking? (2 points) (Most people think it is normal for a teen to feed themselves.  The program doesn’t allow teenagers to even pick up a fork without asking.  So, what is the measure of reason being used by the questioners?)
  34. Does your child seek revenge? (5 points) 
  35. Does your child engage in reckless behavior? (5 points)  (This question is extremely subjective.  What is “reckless behavior”?)
  36. Does your child run away from home? (5 points) (Children don’t run away without a reason.  This is indicative of a serious communications break down or abuse within the home/family.  This requires family therapy and every member being accountable for their contributions to any problems.)
  37. Is your child sexually active? (5 points)  (Check out www.heal-online.org/teenrights.htm and see if they are legally allowed to be.  If so, it is certainly not something for which they should be locked away.)
  38. Does your child destroy the property of others? (5 points)  (Have you ever destroyed someone else’s property?  Really?)
  39. Does your child engage in self-injurious behaviors and/or threaten to inflict self-harm? (5 points) (Many victims of programs like Turning Winds have committed suicide since the program.  They can’t live with the memories and nightmares that flood their lives.  These programs are not a solution to such problems.)
  40. Is your child absent from school without parental knowledge and/or consent? (5 points)  (Did you ever skip school?  Do you have any friends who did?)
  41. Does your child engage in cruelty to animals? (5 points)  (Many young adults are placed in programs for caring about animals or being vegetarian.  There is one young man transferring from Adirondack Leadership Expeditions to The Hyde School (both are bad news) and the reason he was placed in the program is his compassion for animals.)
  42. Is your child involved in physical fights? (5 points)  (Is this self-defense?  What is the school like?  Is your child a victim of bullying?  Ask questions.)
  43. Does your child frequently use illegal drugs and/or alcohol? (5 points) 
  44. Does your child associate with friends who are not positive influences? (5 points)  (Really?  Did your parents like your friends?)
  45. Does your child make decisions based on the decisions of friends? (5 points)  (Isn’t that what the program does?  It uses “positive peer culture” or peer pressure to force “clients” into making certain “choices”.  How is this different?  It’s known to be psychologically ineffective and harmful.)

 

 

*The questionnaire/unprofessional assessment tool that is solely used as a marketing ploy with no scientific basis of efficacy or accuracy used the words “troubled teen” instead of child in each question.  HEAL does not believe it is healthy to repetitively call a child unknown to the assessor a “troubled teen” and that this marketing practice is solely for the purpose of reinforcing a parent’s fears and suspicions that their child is in need of institutionalization.

 

Point Value “Scores” and “Meanings”

 

0-25 Points= “Low Risk” or “Normal”  But, if a 5 pointer got a “yes”, check “moderate risk”.

26-40 Points=”Moderate Risk” or “Cause for Concern” and some type of intervention “recommended”.

41-75 Points=”High Risk” or “Possible placement of child in a program is needed.”

76-100 Points=”Immediate Help” and advised to “immediately place” child in program. 

 

It is highly unlikely that anyone will come in below the “moderate risk” or “high risk” point categories.  At least, no one that is being honest about themselves.  This is nothing more than a marketing tool and has no evidentiary basis regarding its efficacy or accuracy.

The brochure also states that children are put in charge of other children in the program by being “given an opportunity to become a leader among their peers and provide a positive influence.”  This is describing Positive Peer Culture.  Which is known to be ineffective and harmful.   Use the HEAL website search tool to find information on programs that have followed that model.

 

It also states that the family will only be allowed monitored contact with their child during the program.  This is a serious warning sign.  Programs that deny, limit, or have total control of a young adult’s ability to contact the outside world are generally using cult-like thought reform practices.

 

The cover states that Turning Winds is a “Life Changing Experience”.  We invite parents to think about what that literally means.  And, to consider the fact that it does not state whether the change is for better or worse.  This is more vague language.

 

Counseling

 

It states that a young adult will meet with a licensed counselor weekly.  They do not specify what type of counselor or the credentials required to become a licensed counselor in their state.  In Washington, for instance, it was the law up until recently that someone would be qualified to be a licensed counselor if they took a 4-hour course on HIV/AIDS prevention.  That was the only requirement.  And, in states like Utah and Montana, the regulating bodies are invested in the troubled teen programs they regulate.  This is a blatant conflict of interest.  This section also mentions the keeping of journals and other “therapeutic” writing requirements.  We will be posting Mr. Liberg’s journals below.

 

Academics

 

The program states that the young adults are “given the opportunity” to earn their GED.  They state they have “qualified staff” to help tutor the “students”, but, they do not specify what these qualifications are or how they were obtained.

 

Activities

 

The program states that the young adults participate in “Activities such as”…  We hope you know that when someone uses “such as” and does not specify what exactly the activities are, that they are generally giving themselves an out so that if the activities listed aren’t included, they won’t get hit with “false advertising”.  But, it is still false advertising.  Concealing facts by innuendo is still dishonest.

 

Fee Info

 

At the time the brochure was active, the program cost $3,995 per month with a minimum enrollment of 4 months.  A family can live pretty comfortably on $4000 a month.  In fact, maybe a family stay-cation is what is needed to bond and deal with communication problems.  Just a thought…

 

This concludes the brochure review portion.

 

The following are excerpts (with HEAL commentary) from strugglingteens.com/archives/2004/5/turningwindsnp.htm and were gathered on August 31st, 2005:

 

“The orientation period at Turning Winds is approximately four-months, but the length is determined by the individual progress of each student.”

 

The above information under “Fee Info” states the minimum enrollment to be four months.  Orientation is the first level/phase of the program. 

 

“The entire program averages approximately 12-months, and the two facilities house a maximum of 16 students.”

 

This is an unreasonably long timeframe for a child to be abandoned by his family and community.  The separation alone can cause permanent psychological and family problems.

 

“Staff members email parents weekly with updates on their child.”

 

This is the only access parents will have to their child until the program authorizes other forms of communication.  Letters/faxes are often withheld for the “good of the family” or “progress of student”.  This is indicative of an abusive program.

 

Larry Bauer and John Baisden both directed Turning Winds.  And, Bauer also founded Glacier Mountain Academy (GMA).  GMA lost it’s license to operate in Idaho.  Perhaps the reason for the move to Montana…

 

The practices of Glacier Mountain Academy (a.k.a. Glacier Mountain Expeditions) mirror the practices of Turning Winds.  The following was taken from the aboutglaciermtn.com website on August 31, 2005:

 

“The Glacier Mountain programs involve behavioral and emotional modification.”  (follow link)

 

Mr. Liberg has submitted the following Glacier Mountain program schedule as it is similar or the same model used by Turning Winds:

 

 

 

 

 

 

The most important things to note are the limited privileges, the vague “expectations”, and the lack of any personal time to reflect and decompress from the day.  All of these are indicative of an abusive behavior modification program model.

 

The following is taken from savemyteen.com/918.html:

 

“At Turning Winds academics can be accomplished through accredited correspondence courses, GED advancement, and/or early college entry.”

 

What does Turning Winds mean by “accredited correspondence courses”?  Many correspondence courses and even programs like Turning Winds belong to trade associations that claim to accredit their members’ programs.  However, this accreditation isn’t worth anything, including the membership fee. 

 

This site also stated:

 

“During late spring, summer, and early fall some activities might be: Hiking [etc.]”

 

Please understand that “might be” is a very vague term to use regarding your child’s activities.  They “might be” being tortured by people you paid to change their behavior.  Think about it.  They also included “motivational sessions” (cult-speak) and “survival activities” as “might be” activities. 

 

This site also stated:

 

“The three phases of the Turning Winds Program are: the Orientation Phase, the Transition Phase, and the Aftercare Phase.  The Orientation phase involves stabilization, counseling, group therapy, academics, and family reunification.  The Transition Phase of the program is designed to maintain change.  During this portion of the program, each adolescent continues in counseling, group therapy, and academics.  Also, he/she will be given privileges and responsibilities that are similar to those that he/she will experience upon returning home.  The Aftercare Phase allows the adolescent to keep in contact with Turning Winds staff and to work through issues or problems that may occur…”

 

These phases are broken up into smaller increments within the phases and typically involve 4 known systematic, coercive, and psychologically damaging thought reform techniques.

 

The following excerpts were taken from turningwinds.com on August 31st, 2005 and are followed by HEAL commentary:

 

“The Ten Character Virtues—[parenthetical definitions are those of Turning Winds and not HEAL commentary]

 

Industriousness (maintaining a positive work ethic aimed at setting and achieving realistic goals in service to self and others)

 

Humility (the ability to remain teachable)

 

Direction (the ability to lead through the process of correct decision making)

 

Environmental Awareness (realizing that healthy environments promote individual wellness)

 

Integrity (understanding and accepting one’s own strengths and weaknesses by being to one’s own self)

 

Responsibility (acquiring then using knowledge to make the best decisions possible and living with the outcome)

 

Respect (appreciating oneself and others as persons with great potential and creative possibilities)

 

Family Connection (developing a greater appreciation for the strengths and resources that one can draw upon within his/her own family)

 

Altruism (engaging in activities for the primary purpose of serving others)

 

Verbal Assertiveness (speaking up in a supportive and encouraging manner)

 

The proper/mainstream definitions of the above “Virtues” (taken from www.merriam-webster.com):

 

Industriousness: constantly, regularly, or habitually active or occupied.

 

The proper definition of industriousness also corresponds with the breaking down process used in psychologically harmful coercive thought reform programs.

 

Humility: The quality or state of being humble.  Humble: reflecting, expressing, or offered in the spirit of deference or submission.  It is also an antonym of assertive.

 

The proper definition of humility also corresponds with the forced servitude and required submission to authority that are standard protocol in programs like Turning Winds.

 

Direction: guidance or supervision of action or conduct.

 

The ten “Virtues” are the ten “steps” of the three larger phase process at Turning Winds.  Direction is the “step” in which higher phase or higher “privileged” clients are put in charge of lower level clients and encouraged to find fault with the lower level clients. [Below in Patrick’s journals, you will see Patrick’s “leadership” and finding of “fault” with lower level clients during the “Directions” portion of his “reform process.”]

 

Environmental: the circumstances, objects, or conditions by which one is surrounded.  Awareness: having or showing realization, perception, or knowledge.

 

Environmental Awareness is then considered having knowledge of the conditions surrounding the individual.  This implies the use of animal-training/conditioning through “privilege” and “punishment”.  Always think about how something subjective can be interpreted and how young adults are being taught improper meanings for the language used in the program.  This misuse of language is indicative of a cult-like program.

 

Integrity: firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values.

 

This defines the next level beyond learning the ways of the cult/program during the Environmental Awareness step.  “Clients” are becoming “true-believers” in the cult and starting to repeat the same phrases in response to individualized questions.

 

Responsibility: moral, legal, or mental accountability.  Reliability or trustworthiness.

 

The reality is that young adults have not reached their maturity and will not until their early 20s.  This is a biological fact.  Young adults should not be held to standards that they are not yet ready to uphold.  The teen years are full of growing pains.  That’s the way it has always been.  And, responsibility must always come with privilege.  That is the spirit of the law.

 

Respect: to give high or special regard. Literally, the act of looking back.

 

Turning Winds definition is unrealistic and inaccurate.  Respect is earned and that is true regardless of the parties involved.  Respect is certainly not a euphemism for the cult-based “human potential movement” (Scientology, LifeSpring, foundations of the program industry…).   Using the legitimate definitions of respect, it would imply the next step is looking down on those on lower levels and feeling a new sense of “pride” associated with the program and with devotion and adherence to the program/cult.

 

Family: a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head.  Connection: the state of being connected.

 

This step is relating to the start of the second phase of the program mentioned above.  This is part of the transition phase and continues into the third phase.  Each “step” requires constant adherence though some “privileges” and “punishments” become more advanced/severe.

 

This was stated on the turningwinds.com website on August 31st, 2005: “Within the transition portion of the Turning Winds program, many new privileges are introduced such as scheduled phone calls to parents/guardians, involvement in extracurricular activities, peer mentoring [staff positions], scheduled home and site visits.”  This means that for the first 4 to 6 months in the program, your child is completely cut off from even talking to you on the phone and you are barred from talking with him/her on the phone.  This is considered abandonment by legal definition and is actionable against the parent(s).

 

Altruism: behavior by an animal that is not beneficial to or may be harmful to itself but that benefits others of its species.

 

This would be an honest description of what happens at Turning Winds.  The “clients” are required to do acts that are psychologically harmful and/or physically harmful to themselves to benefit the program.  This begins phase 3.  The “client” is now a strict adherent and will do whatever is commanded by the program.

 

Verbal: of, relating to, or consisting of words.  Assertiveness: disposed to or characterized by bold or confident assertion.

 

This is the final step of the process.  The “client”, and probably parents if they attended too many seminars, are now adherents to the cult and willing to sell the program, often for economic consideration (kickbacks—common industry practice—not verified regarding Turning Winds at this time). 

 

The following was taken from turningwinds.com on August 31st, 2005:

 

Turning Winds is A Division of Family Solutions Network, Inc.

 

The following was taken from turningwinds.com on August 31st, 2005

 

Here Turning Winds stated that the Orientation phase is “4 to 6 months”.  In other literature, they state the minimum stay is 4 months.  And, in later literature, they state that the Orientation phase is 4 months.  In this literature, they state that it is 4 to 6 months.  There is a lot of playing with language going on in this literature and that is indicative of deceptive marketing practices.

 

The following was taken from turningwinds.com on August 31st, 2005:

 

“We Believe:

 

…It is our aim and purpose to develop our students’ potential to the highest degree possible.”

 

This is another admission of being adherents to the “human potential movement” cult system.

 

 

The following was taken from turningwinds.com/faq on August 31st, 2005:

 

“If you think for a fleeting moment that your child would do any of the above [refuse to go, threaten to run away, tries to negotiate, etc.], why would you take the risk of confronting your son/daughter?”

 

Turning Winds advocates for parents to put their child through a paid kidnapping using coercive escorts that often bind and/or chemically restrain (drug) the child for transport.  This type of advice is meant to divide the parents from the child and instill an instant realization of shock, betrayal, and abandonment in the child.  This is psychologically damaging to the child.  This will be in initial preparation for the Stockholm Syndrome that follows this type of treatment.  Turning Winds also uses it’s own in-house kidnappers that parents can use for an extra fee.

 

“The length of stay for your child will depend upon his/her goals and success in the program.  For example, if your adolescent chooses to stay and attend a semester of college before returning home, the length of stay may be longer.” 

 

Actually, what is more likely is that Turning Winds will tell parents to reject the return home of any child who hasn’t “graduated” the program and will advise parents to tell their children they will be on the street if they leave before “graduating”.  Often, this is the only reason young adults “choose” to stay in a program.  Others stay because they are now adherents to the cult and want to “help” the cult “succeed”.

 

Turning Winds claims to provide the necessities for the program, but, charges additional fees for this “service”. 

 

Children at Turning Winds must earn the privilege of attending school.  Turning Winds claims that this privilege is typically earned “three weeks into the orientation phase”.  However, that all depends on the “student’s progress”.  Turning Winds only offers “academics” from September through May, even though they claim to be a year-round facility.  The education is through a correspondence course as mentioned above. 

 

During Orientation Phase, a young adult is only allowed to write a supervised 50-word message that staff e-mail’s to parents, thereby finding a “loophole” to federal laws regarding privacy.   However, there is no loophole to the violation of the child’s civil and human rights. 

 

“Parents must also support the program and its staff during the child’s stay at Turning Winds”.

 

This requires parents to support the program and ignore any pleas by the child to go home or get help.  This is indicative of an abusive behavior modification program that does not recognize the rights or responsibilities of the parents in regard to their own children.

 

Parents are generally not allowed to see their children for the first 2 to 3 months or longer depending on the child’s progress.  What right does a program have to tell a parent they can’t visit their own child in treatment?  This is an unheard of practice in ethical treatment circles.

 

The program doesn’t specify the type of food or food quality of the program.  Turning Winds just states that food is brought in weekly and prepared by the “participants” under staff direction. 

 

“These group sessions make use of the “Positive Peer Culture Model”.

 

The Positive Peer Culture Model has been scientifically proven to be ineffective and psychologically damaging.  Please click link above for more information.

 

“In most cases, the child’s success depends on the length of time the child is able to spend away from the home.”

 

This is a sales pitch and used to persuade parents that the longer their child is in the program, the better for the child.  This is an absolutely false statement and has been denounced by medical and mental health professionals as well as the National Institute of Health (See: Help At Any Cost by Maia Szalavitz)

 

Turning Winds describes the Transition Phase as being a time of re-patterning (phrase coined by Dr. Cameron of the CIA’s behavior modification/mind control experiments) of the child’s behavior and thoughts.  This is a practical admission of what is going on in the program to those who are informed on the subject.

 

The following was taken from turningwinds.com/signs on August 31st, 2005:

 

“If your child exhibits 3 or more of these behaviors behavior modification is needed immediately:

 

 

Well, we don’t know anyone who wouldn’t have at least at some point exhibited three of the above behaviors.  And, there are many reasons for these things.  This is a scare tactic and a way to sell the program to parents who have decided parenting is no longer something they feel like doing or who are just too naïve and gullible to make good choices for themselves and their family. 

 

Following is evidence that Patrick Liberg was indeed a “client” of Turning Winds.  His parents, Tom and Debbie, received the following e-mail from Turning Winds:

 

 

 

Following are Journal Entries from Patrick Liberg’s time at Turning Winds [emphasis added when bolded]:

 

September 26th, 2003

 

“What Vanessa Said”

 

Now, I know why Vanessa likes Idaho and Seattle so much!  The music is hipix like, the laws aren’t BS.  It is so beautiful!  She was right!  Vanessa, wherever you are, I love you.  I miss you.  I believe you.  I hope to see you soon.  I hope to talk to you as well!  Prom, your baby boy man hor toy!!!  Laughs out loud!  Peace out and I love you all!  Smile…

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8!  We went on a field trip today!  It was A LOT of fun!  It was a fun day!  We all had a lot of fun!  I can’t wait to sleep!  I have CRAZY dreams.  I had 3-d dreams!

 

HEAL Commentary on these entries…  Angela Smith wrote similar things home when at Provo Canyon School.  It was difficult to try to relay the information that abuse was occurring or something was wrong.  A lot of it was hints and a desire to come home or positive statements about the program in order to avoid further punishment.  It is not unusual for people facing abandonment and extreme trauma to hallucinate or have strange dreams/nightmares.  This is a sign of trauma.  Imagine your first few days or weeks in an unfamiliar environment and missing your loved ones and being denied contact with them.  Now, imagine months of the same.  What happens to you?  Your family?  Your community?

 

September 28th, 2003

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7!  We cleaned a lot today!  Sam didn’t let me have a caramel apple which got me really mad!  I did a lot of extra chores!  I have the feeling that she is picking on me!  Everyone agreed today that I should get one!  I worked excellent chopping wood with Micheal today!  I chopped wood the whole time that we were up at the camp!  I wrote a letter home today which I turned into another disclosure letter!  I am not ready to send it out quite yet!  So, I am going to write another letter home!  I have a feeling that my roommates are mad at me!  I talk more random when I sleep than, when I am awake!  Josh gets really mad!  I wake him up every night!  I cannot help it!  I guess that they have to live with it!  I am looking forward to a new resident!  More friends!  I hope that they come from Illinois!  But, that is probably not!  But, nothing else is new with my day!  STAY UP!  HAVE FUN, and Like always, Please wake me up nicely tomorrow morning!!!!!!  Thank you!

 

HEAL Commentary on this entry…  This entry exemplifies how the staff manipulate and belittle newcomers through exhaustion and trickery.  A “disclosure letter” is typically a letter a “client” is supposed to write to his parents that includes false confessions to aid the program in convincing the parents that the program was the “right choice”.  It never is.

 

September 29th, 2003

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7 ½!  It was a pretty good day!  I loved PT this morning!  We went running all the way up the road with Kara!  It was a load of fun!  I did well in school today!  We had school until 6:00pm!  I worked on a lot of my poetry today!  Not to be mean or anything, Jake smells really bad!  It makes me want to throw up!  I got mostly everything done in school today!  I can’t wait to go to bed, so I can have some of my crazy dreams!  I might throw up tonight!  I haven’t been feeling that good!  Well that is Monday’s journal for tonight!  Peace out Night Staff!

 

HEAL Commentary on this entry…  This entry may be confusing.   But, please look at the last line.  The staff of Turning Winds assign journal writing and read the journals.  If someone puts down the program, they are severely punished.  Many children, possibly like Jake, are denied showers or forced to wear dirty/soiled clothing (including “wet” pants) as punishment at programs like Turning Winds. 

 

September 30th, 2003

 

“Issues to Address w/ Parents”

 

 

HEAL Commentary on this entry…  This entry exemplifies the strong need of family bonding and togetherness that is lacking at programs like Turning Winds.  When children are in trouble, the whole family is responsible. 

 

September 30th, 2003

 

“What am I thinking”

 

I am thinking about my stomachache.  I am thinking about the pear that Sam is eating!  It looks so good!  Man I would give anything for that pear!  They are so, so sweet!  They look so yellow!  I can taste it now!  My stomach aches for a pear!  I really want a pear!  Oh, Sam may I please have a pretty, sweet, yellow tasting pear!  So, now you know what I am thinking about!  Yellow, sweet, juicy, great tasting pears!  That is it!  So peace out whoever reads my journal!!!

 

October 1st, 2003

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8!  I loved working on the trails today!  It was a lot of fun!  Jim and I cut down trees!  I talked to him about me becoming a environmental scientist, or a biologist!  He told me about how to be one and what was expected of me!  I had a really fun!  I worked on improving my work ethic!  Which I did!  Today was pretty laid back!  That is about it!  Billy is leaving today!  I can’t wait until we get a new student!  I can have a best friend!  I was screaming and yelling in my sleep last night!  Josh thinks that it is fake.  How can it be when I am sleeping?  He didn’t get any sleep last night!  Sorry!  Well that is it peoples.  Stay up, and I started to sleep walk!

 

October 2nd, 2003

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7 ½!  About my average day!  We got a new resident!  We have a lot in common!  Piercings, etc.!  It’s all good!  Laugh out loud not!  Um, let me see, well I had to go to the dentist today!  It was a lot of fun!  I have to get oral surgery done!  Some fun stuff!  I am very happy and crazy today!  I don’t know why so now my day would have to be a 8!  Amazing!  Like always!  Not that much really had happened today!  Molly did a good workout!  I need for my laundry to be done ASAP.  Today is my day!  Sam took my only clean t-shirt away from me a few days ago!  It had a rainbow on it!  To bad!  Her Hawaiian thing on her car is rainbow!  Oh well, I don’t care.  So that is it people’s!  (AKA Night Staff)!  Stay up and have a wonderful night!

 

HEAL Commentary on this entry… Above we mentioned that the reason Josh smelled bad was because he was probably being punished by being forced to wear dirty clothes as punishment and to break down the child’s self-esteem.  This is psychologically harmful.

 

October 3rd, 2003

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8 ½!  I am very happy today!  Justina go a letter from Chris, which took a lot of complaining away Thank God!  Justin graduates on Sunday!  I am very very proud!  I had a ton of fun today!  I broke the ax on accident!  Not that much happened today!  I had a good group!  Micheal has given me some more trust, which I am not going to throw away!  I am working as hard as I can to go on course!  My goal is to be able to go home for Christmas!  Well that is it peoples!  (AKA=night staff)!!!  Smile…

 

October 4th, 2003

 

“My Fears”

 

 

“What I like about myself”

 

 

HEAL commentary on this entry…  Mr. Liberg was facing his biggest fear of abandonment.  The last two lines in bold suggest he is starting to repeat program lines.  This is indicative of a cult-like program.

 

October 4th, 2003

 

“What I like about myself” cont.

 

 

“What I dislike about myself”

 

 

“What I wanna work on!”

 

 

 

( I am doing this because I want to try and find myself)!!!  Please write me a note on what you think!  Thanks!

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8 ½!  I have had such a fun day!  I went up to JB’s house today!  Josh and I worked really really hard today!  I had so much trust today!  I loved it!   I am not going to throw that down the ying-yang!  JB left me alone for 3 minutes by a lot of sharp objects!  I am so glad that I am earning my trust back!  I get more trust today!  Chris has been getting me very concerned!  He kept on asking me about how long I was gonde for when I ran away!  A lot of questions about it as well!  So, I took a step closer to becoming a leader, and I told Micheal asap!  I don’t want him to mess up like I did!  Since, I have been here I have really noticed that I have changed a lot!  I am very , very, very proud of myself!  That is about it for my day today!  So peace and have a nice night!

 

PS  Can you leave me a note on what you think, I did was right or not!  Thanks!

 

TW STAFF NOTE ON JOURNAL IN RESPONSE:  “OF COURSE WHAT YOU DID WAS RIGHT”.

 

HEAL Commentary on this entry…  If you’ve been reading along you may have noticed that the previous writings have slowly changed from an expectation for the “client” to betray himself and in this entry the “client” is starting to betray his/her peers.  These are the first two stages of coercive thought reform as described at http://www.heal-online.org/brainwashing.pdf.  It is important to note that these are unethical and psychologically harmful “treatment” practices.

 

October 5th, 2003

 

“Who will be my friends when I go home”

 

 

“If I Could Do Anything”

 

When I grow up I would like to become an environmental scientist or a biologist.  I also want to own my own retail store in Galena, IL!  I am going to achieve this goal by doing well in school, setting myself goals, and by going to college.  I would like to accomplish this goal for me, but for my family.  I am also going to write music for my friend’s band!  I have to reach all of these goals by not doing drugs, smoking, drinking, etc. and by me doing all of these and by me trying my hardest with 110% effort I know that I “WILL” succeed!!!  And that’s my story, and I am sticking to it!

 

“What People Say to me about Friends”

 

A few staff members and all of the residents here tell me that Brooke is not a good friend!  It pisses me off that they can say that when they don’t even know her!  They read one letter from her so far!  Do they know her like I do?  No, so how can they say shit like that?  Do they live in West Chicago, IL?  No again!  Is she their friend?  No.  So don’t be saying shit about her when she can’t be here to defend herself!  Brooke is my best friend!  People need to realize that and that she has made stupid choices in her life, has hung around wrong people, and has done stupid stuff in her life!  But, haven’t we all made and done stupid stuff in our life!  That is called being a human!  I don’t give a shit about what people say about her!  All that they will ever know is that she is my “Best Friend”, she is a lesbian and when she reads this, she is going to say “you are such a dork”, “I love you”!  And whoever does not like it, go join a anti-gay parade because we don’t want to hear it!  So bite your tongue and you’ll get over it!

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Today was a 9!  Justin graduated!  I look forward to mine!  We cleaned a lot!  When everybody walked in the house today, they said that it had smelled very nice!  I hope that we get Saturdays and Sundays back!  We have really worked hard!  I am going to sleep like the dead tonight!  Josh moved into Billy’s bed and now Chris sleeps next to me!  He will have fun hearing me sleep!  Laugh out loud!  We really didn’t do that much outdoors today!  I am very tired!  Not much else is going on!  I had a great time today at Justin’s graduation ceremony today!  Justin is moving up to JB’s [John Baisden—program director/owner] house!  Then we are getting two more physco residents!  (Just playing)  Hopefully it will be my sister because Big John [John Baisden] told me my parent were considering sending her here when I am here which would be awesome!  Well that is it!  So stay up and peace out!

 

HEAL Commentary on this entry…  First, we ask that you review the following phase system details used at programs like Turning Winds:

 

  Phase 1. Deny all contact with outside world. Deny interaction between “students”. Deny basic needs as punishment (food, sleep, clothing, heat, water, etc.). Create confusion and use physical and mental exhaustion as a tool to breakdown “old behaviors”. This causes a complete mental breakdown in the child. (Forced betrayal of one’s self.)

 

Phase 2. Once a child becomes “agreeable” to submission, small “rewards” are given for obedience and the risk of being returned to the

earlier phase is held out as the worst punishment one can receive.  Children are persuaded to make up stories (false confessions) about

themselves and others in the program in order to get rewarded for their “honesty”. (Forced betrayal of one’s peers.)

The above was taken from http://www.heal-online.org/brainwashing.pdf.  Please see link for additional information on behavior modification/coercive thought reform.

 

We can see in the past two entries that Mr. Liberg has begun to betray his peers by reporting “suspicious” behavior of another to staff and by supporting the program in trying to recruit his sister.  This is the second phase of behavior modification.  And, it is psychologically harmful and unethical.

 

Turning Winds continues to use photos of Mr. Liberg in its advertising.  This is illegal.  Mr. Liberg has asked they discontinue using his photo and is pursuing legal action to insure that his likeness and privacy rights will not continue to be violated by Turning Winds.

 

We also think it is indicative of a cult-like program that “graduates” move in with the program director after “graduation”.

 

October 6th, 2003

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7 ¾!  I had a great day, somewhat!  I had gotten a letter today from my aunt Tess! (my godmother)!  Good news and bad news!  Good news is that she is doing ok!  Bad news is that she had another surgery on Sept. 29th, and that she has cancer!  I was crying!  That sucks!  It might run in the family!  That could be bad news for me, my mom and brothers and sister!  I need to talk to Kara ASAP!  I don’t feel so well!  I feel like throwing up!  I almost did today!  So, I might run into the bathroom if I need to!  Just to let you know!  I have a real bad headache and a stomachache as well!  Nothing else is new!  I am burping sour!  I hate it!!!  I had a fun time today in school!  We sat around all day after school, like always!  So, that was my day today!!! So, Peace out Jesse, stay up and I hope that you keep yourself busy!  Leave me a note if you want!

 

HEAL commentary on this entry…  We hope readers understand that Patrick was notified of his aunt’s illness by letter/fax that was read by staff prior to being given to him.  He was not counseled or comforted.  He has repeatedly noted being sick to the stomach which is indicative of a very stressful and unhealthy environment.  Liberg mentions that he may go to the bathroom to avoid punishment if he has to go to the bathroom during bedtime.  The level of control exercised by programs like Turning Winds over their “clients” is grossly out of sync with the requisite balancing of responsibility and rights that are the proper standard for the adolescent/adult transition.  (Angela Smith, HEAL Coordinator—BA (History and Philosophy), AA Degree, Certificate in Child Development, and law student)

 

October 6th, 2003

 

“My three greatest strengths”

 

My first greatest strength is talking/people person.

My second greatest strength is being a hard worker.

My third greatest strength would be that I am very creative and I have a character like no one!!!

 

“Three greatest to person to the left of me (AKA Jake)”

 

The first one would be determined.

 

The second one would be helpful.

 

The third one would being the real and true Jake not some wanna be Jake.  The real one!  He also is showing leadership as well!  Smile…

 

HEAL commentary on this entry…  It is important that readers note the repetition of how a youth in the program (example Jake, Patrick, etc.) is repeatedly told to deny who they are and to believe that they are not themselves.  They are told that they have been living a “fake” life and are at the program to start living a “real” life and being a “real” person.  This type of treatment is intended to create a dissociative disorder and causes permanent psychological harm.  These practices do not respect the individual or life the child has lived or experienced up until the program.  And, this causes harm.

 

October 7th, 2003

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Howdy Micheal [Night Staff]!  What’s up!  Not much here!  Today my day was a 8!  I am always happy!  I told something to the group that was very hard!  I told them what had happened to me when I was a kid!  I was sort of sexually abused!  It is even hard writing about it!  I am glad that I got that off of my back!  I will talk to you later about it!  I promise you that!  Please wake me up nicely!  Like “Good Morning Patrick!  Rise and shine it is morning time.”  That is what I would like you to wake me up!  Thank you!  Can you close the door, because the light keeps me up!  Or turn off the light!  I am so proud of Jack!  Well that is it!!!!  Please write me a note about what happened when I was a kid!

 

HEAL commentary on this entry…  This entry is important because it reveals how “clients” are expected to reveal very painful facts about their life in a group setting.  The more graphic a revelation (even if false—we are not stating Patrick’s entry is “false” in the above entry here), the more “approval” is given by the staff.  This is more evidence of forcing someone to betray themselves.  In addition, this section speaks to a common sleep deprivation/trauma-inducing practice of the industry which is to keep lights on, make noise, and/or abusively awaken “clients”.  Patrick repeatedly asks in his entries thus far to be awakened nicely.  Please understand that that is as honest as Patrick can be in making a complaint about the program without risking severe punishment. 

 

Michael’s (Night Staff) Response

 

What happened to you is very sad.  I’m sorry it happened.  If you need to talk just ask me and I will be there for you.

 

HEAL commentary on this response from staff…  Michael is likely one of the “good cops” on staff.  Typically, the program uses moles or “nice/understanding” staff to gain the trust of the “clients” and then use information gathered confidentially to further abuse and break down the “clients”.  Even if Michael is a “good staff”, Patrick specifically asked for a note and stated “I will talk to you later about it!” which implies a desire to talk privately about it.  In this situation, it would be professional of therapeutic staff to do more than leave a note.  It is apparent that Patrick needed some form of human compassion and all he could do is wait until the next night to see Michael’s written response.  How is that therapeutic? 

 

October 8th, 2003

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

Thank you, Micheal!  I am glad that I got that out!  My day today was a 8!  I had to climb across a catwalk 2 times!  We all worked very hard today!  I am glad that I lefted there with more confidence!  It really helps!  We all did pretty good today!  Well that is my journal entry.  Stay up, have fun, and I hope to sleep well!

 

PS  Thanks Micheal!

 

HEAL commentary on this entry…  Sleep deprivation is a common practice in the program industry and is used as a tool to create a nervous breakdown in the “clients”.  Hard labor (chopping wood, chores, etc.) for long periods of time is also used to cause physical and mental exhaustion.  These are all typical practices of brainwashing and are psychologically harmful.

 

October 9th, 2003

 

“Stuff that had happened to me”

 

 

I have not told my parents about any of these issues!  I was afraid to!  I thought it was my fault that it had even had happened!  I was afraid to tell my parents!  I thought that they would laugh at me or say that I am a liar!  So I kept my mouth shut!  I want to tell them!  I know the 43 year old!  I want the law to get involved and punish that guy for what he had done to me!  What do you think?

 

HEAL commentary on this entry…  Please note the third bulleted item above and understand that programs like Turning Winds try to make sexual abuse victims admit to being partially responsible for the abuse.  This is the complete opposite of what is known to be healthy and therapeutic.  Would you tell a rape victim that it was his/her fault?  A program would.  Think about that.

 

October 9th, 2003

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8!  I have improved a ton on my depression!  I loved working on the school room today!  It was a lot of fun!  I am getting very ticked off!  I did not take the nail!  People look at me as if I did, because I used to self-mutilate, I haven’t done that in like 6 months!  I have a load on my back because here I am, Patrick, who used to hurt himself who has a reputation of picking up stuff and putting it in my pocket!  I have a idea of who might have done it but there is no proof. So I am not going to assume!  Well that is it!!  Peace out and have a nice night…

 

Now is the crab apple situation!  I did not do that as well!  I eat only light crab apples not dark ones!  I am very annoyed because it is so stupid!  You didn’t steal crab apples, you picked them off the tree like we do every day at school break!  The magazine I did not do!  I know one person that really wanted to read the magazine!  Justine because she kept on trying to read over Sam’s shoulder to read all about J-Lo because she loves J-Lo a lot!  But like I say that I did not do it!

 

Thank you.  Smile…

 

HEAL commentary on this entry…  Why would a young man feel stressed out about who ate an apple?  What kind of world or program would make a snack a behavior issue.  That is really bizarre and indicative of an overly-controlled and coercive environment.

 

October 10th, 2003

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7!  It was a great day!  I worked on the library all day today!  I worked really hard!  I am trying my best to work my hardest!  Well, nothing else is not new!  We get to sleep in, thank God!  Smile…

 

October 11th, 2003

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7!  I am glad that Jessie’s wife had her baby!  I hope that we can sleep in!  I feel like I don’t know!  I have been getting really lightheadness and dizzy.  I have to see a doctor about me having vertigo, because it is starting to get really really bad!  Like yesterday, I was getting dizzy when I was laying in my bed!  I laid there and I could not move, talk or anything!  It was really scary for me!  I couldn’t move or do anything for a minute!  I am getting really scared!  So I need to tell JB and Kara ASAP because I have not told anyone yet which was stupid, but, when they get here I need to tell them!  So that is about it!  Everyone said that I have not bad consequences for 1 month.  I haven’t intruded people or been random!  I’m very proud of myself!!!!

 

HEAL commentary on this entry… Patrick’s illness and stress level is getting worse.  This entry suggests the beginning of a dissociative break down and evidences psychological harm caused by the program. 

 

October 12th, 2003

 

“Did it or Not”

 

I did not do the magazine!  I really don’t know who did it!  I think that Justine did it!  She is obsessed with J-Lo and kept on trying to read about her!  I did not do the nail.  I think that Josh did it!  I heard from Jack that JB said that they think it was him!  I don’t know that or Chris.

 

HEAL commentary on this entry…  Programs typically coerce and punish “clients” to get a false confession (betrayal of self or peers) and reward such confessions with “privileges” (perhaps an apple in this case).  This goes against human nature and is psychologically harmful.

 

Please understand that it is HEAL’s position that these programs are an extension of the behavior modification/mind control experiments conducted by the CIA and that they are the foundation of modern “interrogation” and prisoner “treatment” programs around the US and the globe (Guantanamo Bay, Abu Ghraib, Texas Department of Corrections, etc.)  We believe informed individuals and agencies will understand that this is evidenced by a comparison of the practices used and the acknowledgment in the Congressional Hearings by Rep. George Miller (D-CA) that these practices are the same or similar from program to prison. (Congressional Hearings available at www.beyondbusiness.net/congress.htm)

 

October 12th, 2003

 

A drawing by Patrick depicting his feelings on this day:

 

 

 

October 13th, 2003

 

“It’s my life assignment”

 

“If I were an animal”

 

If I were an animal, I would be: a blue front amazon parrot.

 

The qualities I admire about this animal are:

 

 

HEAL commentary on this entry…  This is likely around the time that Mr. Liberg was having a psychological breakdown induced by the program.  It is a “final plea” for rescue. 

 

Today my day was a 6 ½!  A pretty average day!  I hated PT this morning!  I had to have a longer PT than others!  I had to do sprints (8), crabwalks, not move, but I said the sooner I am done, the more time I will have and be able to go home sooner!  So I went to school today!  Boring!  I am doing good today!  I am working to go on course!  I hope to be able to go home for Christmas! 

 

To Night Staff:  I don’t think that I will be able to sleep tonight!  So I may just come out of my room and talk to you if you don’t mind!  So, that is about it!  So peace out night staff!  Stay up and have a ton of fun!!!!  Well that is it!  So peace out people’s!  Smile…

 

Attn:  I felt like I passed out!  I just lay there for a minute, I can’t move/talk/etc. for a minute!  I get dizzy a lot!!!  I need to talk to Kara!

 

HEAL commentary on this entry…  Mr. Liberg is exhibiting signs of extreme trauma and desperation to go home.  This is indicative of an abusive behavior modification program.

 

October 13th, 2003

 

“Reasons Y I’m Here”

 

 

October 13th, 2003

 

“My Weaknesses”

 

 

 

October 14th, 2003

 

“It’s my life assignment”

“Self Image”

 

What were the “positive” messages you got about yourself as a child?  From…?

 

Mother:  that I have a good life ahead of me

Father: I have so much potential in my life ahead of me, I have a great future

Other Family Members (Siblings):  That I will become rich when I grow up and that I will own my own business.

Friends:  That I am a great person to be around.

Teachers: That I am a very helpful person.

 

What were the “negative” messages you heard or felt about yourself as a child growing up?  From…?

 

Mother:  Didn’t love me all the time.

Father: Didn’t spend enough time with me.

Other Family Members (Siblings): That my parents were not my real parents.

Friends: Felt that they had used me!

Teachers: Felt like they were picking on me.

 

What have been negative messages you have heard from anywhere in your world (school, media, etc.)? 

 

Mostly from school, media, friends, people, etc.

 

What were the messages that made you lose faith in yourself?

 

That I was stupid.  My parents do not love me.  I was not a good person!!!

 

HEAL commentary on this entry…  This entry marks the disassociation from the past/old “Patrick” to the new programmed “Patrick”.  The only positive messages from his family were regarding his future, not past or present achievements.  The reference to who Patrick “was” as opposed to what his future self will be is indicative of a dissociative state.  This is evidence of psychological harm.

 

October 15th, 2003

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8!  I got to get out of here!  I got to have Burger King!  Thank God I want to have some of my airheads!  I can’t sleep and I might come out and stay up with you if you don’t mind!  We can have a party!  Laugh out loud!  So nothing else is new!  Oh, remind me—please that I need to take my meds in the morning at 7am!  Smile…

 

HEAL commentary on this entry…  Patrick’s writing is becoming more and more difficult to read and exhibits deep distress. 

 

October 16th, 2003

 

“Emotions Now”

(Friends)

 

Everybody Love a Stranger!

 

I miss my friends!  They were always there for me, now I cannot be there for them!  I will see them again!  I love all of them!

 

Today hasn’t been that hard for me!  I had a lot of time to think to myself and I thought all about my friends!  Who they are, who they want to be, and why I love them all!

 

Brooke:  is a wonderful friend!  She was always there for me!  She is 18, and is attending EIU (Eastern Illinois University).  She is going to be a artist and a art teacher!  She gives good advice!  Brooke I know that you cannot hear this or anything but wherever you are, I want you to know that I love you and hope to see you soon!

 

“Letter to No One”

 

The purpose of writing this letter to my friend is to let them know all about me, how I feel, etc.!  Even though they will not send this letter out, it helps me express myself in a healthy way and to practice what to say to them when I go home!  I’m writing to Brooke, Jim, Danielle, and Vannessa!

 

 

Dear Brooke,

 

What is new with you?  Not much here!  How is college going for you?  Hope all is going A-Ok!  I really do miss you a lot!  I hope to see you soon!  I am writing this letter to express myself as well!  So here goes nothing.  Brooke I think that you are a really good friend!  You have always been there for me!  You have never doubted me!  You always had faith, hope, and love!  You have a special place in your heart for me!  That is getting stronger and stronger every moment we are apart!  When I go home I will be a better person!  I will not smoke, do drugs, disrespect my family!  I want you to know this!  I am getting way too distracted so I will continue this later!

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7!  I really did not do anything today!  My mouth hurts really bad!  I have been doing really well the staff and residents had said!  Hey Jesse congratulations!  It must be very different to have a child!  You’d make a great Dad!  So we have new staff members!  One is a high dude!  The other chick (Shannon) works days!  I did really well in school today!  I am trying my best to be all that I can be!  Nothing else is new with me!  It got depressing somewhat during school but I got through it!  That’s al dude!  So peace out and have a nice day!  So leave me a note!  Ok, I am gonna go now!

 

October 17th, 2003

 

Today my day was a 8!  I had a ton of fun!  Look at the ghosts!  Boo!  Scary, laugh out loud!  The new girl came today.  She is cool!  Chris is totally flirting with Julie!  So watch out!  I had a great day!  I had a load of fun!  I worked on some of my writing assignments.  Well that is it!  So peace out man!  Smile…

 

HEAL commentary on these entries…  Patrick is exhibiting signs of “working the program” and continuing to “betray peers” as mentioned above as the second phase of an abusive behavior modification program/coercive thought reform program.  This is indicative of a cult-like environment.  Patrick has entered “phase 3” of the four phases of brainwashing/coercive thought reform (more can be found at www.heal-online.org/brainwashing.pdf):

 

Phase 3. The child has no more opinion of him/herself based on own self-image or the reflection of his/her peers. The child completely loses and disassociates between “old life/old behavior” and “new life/new behavior”.  (Complete mental/emotional breakdown and intentional creation of dissociative disorder.)

 

October 19th, 2003

 

“Why I’m Mad”

 

Molly is telling me shit about Jim!  I don’t like it when she talks about him like that!  It really makes me mad!  She doesn’t know where I had come from!  Sure her advice might be good, but, it is not her place!  And for her to call him a rapist makes me really really mad!  So I think that she should bite her tongue!  If she can’t say anything nice, just don’t say anything at all!  She always gets into my business and I don’t like it!  I will be with Jim!  We have been together for 7 (seven) months!  My parents know him and they don’t care!  So that is what has been really really really been pissing me out!  So that’s it!

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 6!  I had a great day today!  Well during group I had really ignored!  Molly had been saying some shit about Jim!   She has no right to tell me that he is a rapist!  That word pisses me out!  I have been sexually abused!  And raped and for her to open her mouth about that really pisses me off!  That and she needs to work on it all!  So that is all.  So please mention that at the staff meeting cause that really got me mad!  So stay up and peace out man!  Smile...

 

HEAL commentary on this entry…  This journal entry highlights that the “group” discussed is a “confrontational” group “therapy” and that the “clients” are expected to attack each other using their histories.  This is known to be a psychologically harmful practice and is denounced by mental health authorities.  (see hyperlink above for more info)

 

October 20th, 2003

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7!  It was a pretty average day!  Let’s see…  Molly had apologized to me today for what she had said yesterday night!  Look at Sunday’s journal that is really it!  We had had a long group!  It had went until 10pm. Wednesday is going to suck!  We have to sit around all day until somebody confesses to the nail!  Well that is it!  So peace out man and stay up!  Laugh out loud!  Peace.  Smile…

 

October 21st, 2003

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7 ½!  We did a service work project.  It was very fun day!  Not much is up!  Tomorrow is going to suck majorly!  We have to sit around all day doing nothing!  At least until someone confesses to the nails and to the underwear, which, was found under Panty Jack’s bed!  Laugh out loud!  Well that is about it.  So peace out man and stay up!  Smile…

 

October 22nd, 2003

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day has been surprisingly a 7 ½!  We found out who did it all!  Jack the Panty Man did the underwear!  Jack did the crab apples, magazine, and what do you know he did the nail!  That got me mad when he was accusing me of taking the nail!  Micheal you were telling me I did it!  See I told you I was telling the truth!  I am going to talk to you if I am not sleeping!  I am very frustrated!  But other than that I had a ok day.  So, stay up and peace out man!  Smile

 

October 23rd, 2003

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7 ½!  I got my first 100% at school!  I am so happy!  Not much is up!  I got a letter from my mom!  And my aunt Tess!  She sent me 4 packages of airheads!  Ummy!  I had a ton of fun today!  I had counseling with Kara!  Guess what!  We found out who did the nail, the magazine, the crab apple, and the girl’s underwear!  It was all Jack!  He lied to my face.  Now he says he did it!  What a liar!  Ahhh it drives me crazy!  Well, nothing else is new!  So peace out and stay up and have a nice night!

 

October 24th, 2003

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8!  I found out that I might get my shoe laces back on Monday!  Heck ya!  I cannot sleep tonight!  I will like fall asleep at 2:00am!  So I am probably going to come out and talk to you about what had happened to me when I was little!  So I will hopefully talk to you tonight!  So peace out and stay up and have a nice night!  I have a ton to talk to you about!

 

October 26th, 2003

 

“Sex Incident”

 

Dear Mom and Dad,

 

What is going on with you?  Well as you will find out, in this letter I have a lot to talk to you about!  This is really hard for me to do.  I had talked to Kara and Kirk about these two issues.  Ok, I am really sorry that you are going to have to hear this!  Mom, and Dad when I was six (6) years old, I had started to become sexually active.  I am going to tell you how it all had started at a young age.  When I first was sexually active it was with a guy.  That guy was my brother Nick.  He asked me to perform oral sex.  I didn’t know what it was.  I was very curious to find out what it was so I had said “yes” and I had performed oral sex.  I was young, curious and I was still discovering my body.  So, I think that the whole situation did not mean anything.  But, it did have a major impact on me.  I feel disgusted that the whole situation had happened.  I feel like you are going to look at me in a different way, and judge me different than you had before I told you about this situation.  I was scared and afraid to tell you when it had happened.  I thought that you would say “yeah right”, or something like that.  I thought that you wouldn’t believe me.  So, I didn’t even bother telling you.  I am just curious, how did you react to this situation?  What would you say to me if I were to tell you this when it had happened?  Are you going to look at me in a different way now, because I told you about this?  Let me know in your next letter.  Now, this next situation that I am going to tell you, I have not even said a word to anyone except Kara, Kirk, and Brooke.  All of these people had told me to tell you about what had happened!  I had lied to one of them.  I told Brooke and she told me to tell you and if I didn’t, she would have told you.  I lied to her and told her I told you guys, and that you said “everything is going to be ok.”  Well I guess you guys are very curious what had happened to me!  Mom and Dad, when I was thirteen (13) years old, something had happened to me that I will never forget!  I was walking home from McDonalds one day and I had noticed that this car had been following me, and looking at me.  I had walked into the forest preserve by forest avenue and route 59.  I was listening to my cd player.  I was walking on the prairie path.  I had just past the parking lot and what do you know.  There was that same care that had been following me.  He drove by me and had asked, “where the forest preserve was”.  How stupid is this guy I had said to myself in my head.  I told him that you are in it.  I asked him “why”.  He said that he was just wondering.  I said “sure, ok”.  Then I had continued to walk.  He had caught up to me on the path.  He had asked me if I was Patrick.  I didn’t say a word!  He started asking me all about me, my life, my family, etc.  I had asked him to stop, and I told him that he was making me feel uncomfortable and if he could leave me alone.  So I guess that he had taken it wrong because he ran up to me and grabbed me, pushed me on the ground, he had started to kiss me, and then he tried to perform oral sex with me.  What I am trying to tell you is that he had raped me and sexually abused me.  I had gotten one of my arms out and went into my pocket, grabbed my cigarette lighter, lit it, and then I put it up towards his body and burned him.  I had burned him enough for me to get away.  So, I had gotten up and tried to run away from him.  He had grabbed me and punched me in the face.  Then I had struggled to get away, and once I had gotten away, I ran like the wind!  I had called up Brooke, and she picked me up.  I had told her what happened.  That is why when I came home that one night, I went straight to my room, made it look like I was home in my room sleeping.  Then I had sneaked out of the house.  I did not want you to see my bruise on my face, when I had wakened in the morning.  I was afraid, scared, disgusted, and worried to tell you about what had happened.  What was I supposed to say?  Mom, Dad, I was just raped and sexually abused?  If I could I would have!  It is very hard for me to write to you about this as it is!  I thought that you would say “yeah right”, or “Stop lying!” Something around there.  My reason for not telling you as well is because you have never taken anything that I say seriously!  I need you to take me more seriously.  I want to be able to tell you these things when they happen, not after a long period of time.  I am very very sorry for telling you this!  I was ready to tell you.  This was the right time for me to open up to you and tell you what happened!  How are you reacting to this situation?  Please do not look at me in a different way.  I have that feeling that you will do that!  But, I know that you won’t!  Please write to me about how you feel.  Love Always, Patrick.

 

HEAL commentary on this letter…  The primary point we want to address is that Patrick is stating he was curious and sexually active at age 6.  This is typical of what happens to sexual abuse victims in programs like Turning Winds.  They are told that they need to admit they wanted it or were interested in sex and that they need to take responsibility for their part in the sex act.  This is the opposite of what mental health professionals state should be done when dealing with a sexual abuse/sexual assault victim.  We would also like parents to really read through the text and understand that a sexual abuse victim who is afraid of telling his/her parents about the abuse may exhibit symptoms of being “troubled”, but, that these are symptoms of an underlying problem.  This points to poor parenting and a need for parents to improve their relationships and communication skills with their children and advocate for their children by building an open and honest relationship where fear is not a restraint.

 

October 25th, 2003

 

Today my day was a 8 ½!  I have a great day!  I have to get my shoe laces back pretty soon!  I had a seizure today!  I went to Post Falls today and I was hanging out with John (John Baisden—program owner)!  He always brings my day up!  I am having tons of sore in my mouth!  I need to see a doctor about my seizures!  I have been have a lot lately!  I have also been getting very dizzy!  Well that is my day and I am sticking to it!  Smile…

 

October 26th, 2003

 

Sir, I’d like to buy those shoes,

For my moma please.

It’s Christmas eve

And those shoes are just her size

I want her to look pretty

When moma meets Jesus tonight. 

 

To be continued!

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8 ½!  We had gotten our Sundays back!  Can you please shut the door a little!  I cannot sleep!  Please.  Not much is up!  I might get my shoe laces back soon!  Thank God!  Jack was really bad!  Last night he told me that if Michael yelled at him he would punch him in the face!  That get me mad!  I cannot sleep!!! It sucks!!!  Smile…

 

October 27th, 2003

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7 ½!  It was like a laid back, biz, boring old day.  I finished two science speed backs!  I m working really hard to get my shoe laces back!  I am feeling better about myself!  I have written a letter to myself and I looked back on it today!  I have made a “BIG” improvement on myself since I have been here.  I am doing much better.  I haven’t been getting in a lot of trouble.  Well that is my day.  Lovely old journal of mine!  So I am gonna get going and lets leave it at that!  Smile mon!

 

October 28th, 2003

 

“Letter”

 

To Whom It May Concern:

 

I am very interested to apply at Hot Topic as a sales clerk.  I saw your help wanted sign in your store window.  I connect with your company in many ways!  One I look the look of the customers.  Two I am a really good people person!  Three I am a great team member, hard worker, and do my best.

 

I am a great people person.  I can get the customer to buy from me.  I am really nice.  I have experience!  I worked at my aunt and uncle’s retail business so I know how to sell!

 

I am your best choice.  I have a ton of experience in the retail business!  I will bring in tons of customers and make loads of ($$$$) money.

 

I would like to thank you for your time.  You may contact me at my cell phone # [disconnected] or # [disconnected].  I would also like to request a interview as soon as possible.  Thank you. 

 

Sincerely,

 

Patrick Liberg

 

Smile…

 

“Cover Letters and Interviews”

 

Cover letters:

 

Points to keep in mind:

 

  1. Your cover letter is typically the first thing your employer reads.  Be sure to make a good impression!
  2. Companies get tons of résumés and applications.  Your cover letter is your chance to distinguish yourself from the bunch.
  3. Be Professional!  Use a letterhead, use decent vocabulary, proof read, and don’t forget to sign!

 

Steps to take:

 

  1. Do your research!
  2. And the hiring manager’s name and address the letter to that person.
  3. Find the job description and company mission and determine how your skills match their needs.
  4. Make an outline.  Detail your employment history, your personal experience, and your aspirations.  Determine your strengths and selling points!
  5. Write your letter!

 

October 28th, 2003

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Today I would rate my day a 8!  Tomorrow I might complete one of my goals!  If I do good tonight, which I have I will get my shoe laces back!  Halla Yea!  Laugh out loud!  My goal tonight is to try to not fall asleep!  I want to talk to you tonight!  I have two issues!  I want to share them both with you!  So I can’t wait until you are on shift because I need to chat with you for a while!  So other than that I have been doing good! Smile…

 

 

October 29th, 2003

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8!  I have my laces!  I need to talk to you soon!  Tonight!  Jack has been really been doing poor!  They took my aunt Tess off of my mailing list!  I am mad about that!  I really don’t know that much more!  I am happy and proud of myself that I got my laces back.  I need to talk to you tonight?  Did you read my letter home?  Well be my guest.

 

HEAL commentary on this entry…  Here we have more evidence of small privileges (like having your shoe laces returned to you) being granted when a young adult is “working the program” by betraying peers.  Turning Winds is likely testing his loyalty to the program by breaking off communications with his Aunt Tess who recently was diagnosed with cancer and recovering from surgery.  This type of isolation is psychologically harmful and unethical. 

 

October 30th, 2003

 

“Profile on Josh”

 

 

Josh, 16, from Ridge Crest, CA/St. Mary, ID.  Likes to hang out with friends.  I would like to be more relaxing at times.  I would also like to become a better leader.  He is very peaceful and quiet at times.  He can be very gassy at times.  He likes pizza, and wants to go to college and succeed in life.  He is a very independent person to rely on.

 

October 30th, 2003

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8!  I have officially got my shoe laces back!  They are in my shoes as I speak.  I completed that goal.  It feels good to really improve and to gain more trust.  I had directions today!  I have gotten more goals.  I got to carve pumpkins today.  I have a really fun day today.  I found out that I am doing really well.  JB [John Baisden—program owner] told me that he is proud of me and to keep up the great work!  So, I am trying my best!  Tomorrow I have to talk to Kara and Kirk.  Smile…

 

HEAL commentary on this entry…  “Direction” is one of the “10 Values” that HEAL believes to be actual descriptions for different levels within the three phase system used by Turning Winds.  This is evidenced by the fact that Patrick has received more “privileges” and, as you will see below, Patrick is given authority over Jack. 

 

October 31st, 2003

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8 ½!  Halloween is my favorite holiday!  I am sorry that I didn’t do my journal page before this one!  We get to watch a movie and have candy!  Did you have any trick or treaters?  I had a fun day today.  I am so glad that I get to sleep in!  Well that is it!

 

HEAL commentary on the above entries…  Patrick’s signature on his journal entries changes erratically during this time.  This is evidence of anxiety and trauma. 

 

November 1st, 2003

 

“Saturday’s Journals”

 

Today’s day 7 ½!  I got a ton of trust.  I am allowed to go down stairs by myself and go to the bathroom!  It feels so great!  Jack and I are the only ones who wrote in their journal tonight.  I am watching over Jack!  So that’s it!

 

HEAL commentary on this entry.  Patrick has now been put in charge of another student and given additional “privileges” and “responsibilities”.  This marks the beginning of the fourth phase of the brainwashing/coercive thought reform model:

 

Phase 4. The child is completely submissive and brainwashed. The child hates everything they once were or knew. The child only feels safe in the program and only credits the program with his/her success. Child is given “responsibility” to “lead” other children. (Child is now brainwashed and actively aiding his captors in brainwashing others.)  (For more info, visit www.heal-online.org/brainwashing.pdf) 

 

November 2nd, 2003

 

“Abusive Relationship”

 

I feel that abusive relationships suck.  You might like the person, but they like to hurt you.  But, the person doesn’t care because they have someone to be with!  I was kinda in a abusive relationship.  You can have a abusive relations with anybody!  Your parents, family members, friends, etc.  Abusive relationships are very, very unhealthy for you.  You can really get hurt.  I would not like to be in an abusive relationship.  This concludes the end of me talking about abusive relationship!  My aunt has been in about 3-4 abusive relationships.  So, that is about it!  So peace out journal!

 

November 3rd, 2003

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Today I am going to rate my day as a 8 ½!  I don’t like the new scheduler!  Well, the part that I don’t like is how we have to wake up at 6:30am.  Carl gave me a load of trust.  He gave me my shoes and allowed me to go out to the apple tree and pick apples by myself!  Jack said why, Carl don’t you trust me?  Carl said “no, cause you will get in more trouble.”  So that felt really good.  I had a fun day today.  That is why my day was so high as it was.  I have completed my goal for today.  Not to be random and interrupt people.  So, I completed it!  So that was my day today!

 

HEAL commentary on these entries…  Patrick has begun writing the date as 1/0-/03 and has written the incorrect month for a few entries.  This is further evidence of anxiety and trauma.  It is a possible Freudian issue relating to his desire for the Christmas holiday and the belief that he may be home to enjoy it.

 

November 4th, 2003

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day would have to be a 7.  It was a average day.  I got to make my apple sauce today.  I got my French today.  So, I am going to start to learn it tomorrow.  Fun stuff.  I did really good in PT!  I, if I am up, I am gonna talk to you!  I made sure of it!  I can’t sleep at all.  I had a good day.  Not much is up with me.  So that is it.  So peace out myself!

 

PS Write me a note!

 

Mike’s (Night Staff) Note:  Your doing great Patrick. 

 

November 5th, 2003

 

Wednesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8.  I am almost finished today with my English portfolio.  Thank the lord.  We had just such a long group!  It was about two (2) hours long.  We seriously tore apart 3 people.  Jack, Josh, and Chris.  I feel much better that I expressed myself on how I felt.  It feels really really good.  I hope to get to talk to you soon.  So peace out Mike and thank you for the note!  I am doing really well.

 

PS  Leave me a note on what you think that I can improve on!!!

 

Mike’s (Night Staff) Note:  You keep telling me you want to talk to me.  But, you never ask to talk.  Improve on that. 

 

HEAL commentary on this entry.  First, the description of group is further evidence of using an abusive “confrontational therapy” model.  And, we want readers to understand that children/teens/young adults are discouraged from asking questions from day one at the program.  They are given orders and expected to follow them.  Often children are punished if they even ask a clarification question in attempt to understand the new language and requirements of the program.  Patrick is hesitant to ask to speak to staff for good reason.  And, an invitation to talk is the equivalent of “asking to talk” and a young person in a program to “get better” should be better supported by the staff when he/she reaches out, especially when said young person has formerly been self-injurious or contemplated suicide. 

 

November 6th, 2003

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8.  I finished my English 35 portfolio was finished!  Thank God.  I started to learn my French and American sign language!  It is really fun, I had completed my goal.  To finish my English portfolio and not to exaggerate!  I’ve had a really long group tonight!  Well that is all for my day.  Smile….

 

November 7th, 2003

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 6.  I had a sort of lazy man day!  OH MY GOD, Micheal got fired.  Molly is really sad.  I feel really, really sorry for her.  I can’t believe that people had said he was abusing us!  Laugh out loud—Chris was totally funny this morning.  You had to yell for him to get up!  That was his 3rd timed.  Sucks for him!  I am really glad that we get to sleep in tomorrow.  Well that is pretty much it.  Oh, I had completed not to interrupt anyone’s conversations and finish their sentences!  Well not I’m 100% sure that was it!

 

 

November 8th, 2003

 

But now abide faith, hope, love, those three; but the greatest of these is Love.  1 Corinthians 13:13 NASB

 

This is my commandment, that ye love one another, as I have loved you.  Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.  John 15:12-13  KJV

 

O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant; o come, let us adore him—Christ the Lord!  John Francis Wade

 

Jesus:  the proof of God’s love.  Philip Yancey

 

Pray as if it’s all up to God; work as if it’s all up to you.  Anonymous

 

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength. 

 

Corrie Ten Boom

 

Pray as if it’s all up to God; work as if it’s all up to you.  Anonymous

 

Faith is stronger than fear.  John Maxwell

 

Sometimes, I feel Lord, like giving up.  When I’m discouraged—or worse—let me turn to you for strength, for courage, and for love.  Amen

 

He who brings trouble on his family, will inherit only the wind…  Proverbs 11:29 NIV

 

Listen…to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.  Proverbs 1:8  NIV

 

Lord, you have given me a family that cares for me and loves me.  Thank you, father.  Let me love all the members of my family despite their imperfections, and let them love me despite mine.  Amen

 

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8 NIV

 

Only the truly forgiven are truly forgiving.  C.S. Lewis

 

Forgiveness is God’s command.  Martin Luther

 

God forgets the past.  Imitate him.  Max Lucado.  [HEAL Note:  Please remember Turning Winds does not advertise as a faith-based program.  And, if God is omnipotent, he is not capable of forgetting.]

 

Lord, just as you have forgiven me, I am going to forgive others.  When I forgive others, I not only obey your commandments, but, I also free myself from bitterness and regret.  Forgiveness is your way, Lord, and I will make it my way, too.  Amen

 

Faith is stronger than fear.  John Maxwell

 

Faith never knows where it is being led, but, it loves the one who is leading.  Oswald Chambers

 

Blessed are they that put their trust in him.  Psalms 2:12 KJV

 

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient bearing with one another in love.  Ephesians 4:2 NIV

 

The Lord’s unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.  Psalms 32:10 NIV

 

Whoever gives need to instruction prospers and blessed is he that trusts in the Lord.  Proverbs 16:20 NIV

 

We…worship by the Spirit of God…glory in Christ Jesus, and…  Put no confidence in the flesh.  Philippians 3:3 NIV

 

Lord, sometimes my problems are simply too big for me, but they are never too big for you, Lord, and let me trust in you today and for all eternity.  Amen

 

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.  Proverbs 16:9 NIV

 

The Lord will work out his plans for my life—for your faithful love, O Lord endures forever.  Psalms 138:8 NIV

 

The lord is good and does what is right; he shows the proper path to those who go astray.  Psalms 25:8 NIV

 

We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of god.  Oswald Chambers

 

Lord, you have plans for my life that are far grander than I can imagine.  I will study your word, pray for your guidance, and seek your will so that my life might be a tribute to your son.  Amen.

 

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due timed.  1 Peter 5:6  NIV

 

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.  Ecclesiastes 3:1 NIV

 

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  Psalms 40:1 NIV

 

[HEAL Note:  This is all written in Patrick’s journal on November 8th, 2003…  It continues…]

 

Our challenge is to wait in faith for the day of God’s favor and salvation.  Jim Cymbala

 

God loves each of us as if there were only one of us.  Saint Augustine [HEAL Note: Saint Augustine believed that torture was an appropriate method of conversion and was the inspiration of the Spanish Inquisition.]

 

God carries your picture in his wallet.  Tony Campolo

 

Lord, you love is infinite and eternal.  Although I cannot fully understand the depths of your love, I can praise it, return it, and share it…Today and every day.  Amen.

 

Do to others as you would have them do to you.  Luke 6:31 NIV

 

Don’t be selfish…Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself.  Philippians 2:3 TLB 

 

All our goodness is a loan, God is the owner.  St. John of the Cross

 

Brotherly love is still the distinguishing badge of every true Christian.  Matthew Henry

 

“Band that I Love”

 

 

“This is Me”

 

I love ravioli and cheese sticks.

I love animals

I love “The Craft”, “YaYa Sisters”, and “Practical Magic”

I love Brooke, Danielle, Jim, Brenda, and Nichole

I have a Pontiac eclipse!

I love my family

I love all of my animals.

I lived up on a farm

I have a cabin

I have my own bedroom

I have a play craft pontoon bed.

I used to race BMX.

I have 5 atvs

I have two snowmobiles.

I have one dirt bike.

I have two motorcycles

I have a dell laptop

My family owns 6 businesses!

I attend the West Chicago Middle School

I have a boyfriend.

I have a loving family

I am learning to speak French

I am learning to do American Sign Language

 

[HEAL Note:  This is still from November 8th, 2003…]

 

“Just Whatever”

 

I would like to own my own retail business.  I want to open this million dollar business!  It is located in Galena, Illinois.  I want to be accepted as who I am.  In order for me to accomplish this goal I would have to live to the fullest!  Try my best.  Go to school.  Save up the money ($$$), I would probably take over my family’s business.  Don’t give up no matter what!  I am going to succeed.  Use my local resources.  Look up to my family.  If I was there now I would feel like I had accomplished my lifetime goal.  I would feel happy than ever.  That’s how I would express myself!!!  All that I had wanted was the feeling for question four.  What I would want to feel that way!  To be happy to accomplish something in my life!

 

“About Me”

 

Animal inside: vampire—love blood, love night, crazy, weird, dork, prideful.

 

Animal outside: a bird.  I am very free, laid back person, who comes and goes as I please.

 

When I go home I want to be a good teenager!  I want to be able to ask them if I can do something and if they say “no”, then I want to be able to accept that answer and not to get mad.  I want to go to church every Sunday and to get involved in their lives.  I want to get good grades in school.  I want to succeed in life.  I don’t want to be depressed.  I want to help out others!  I really love my family.  I want to show them that I really care about them and they both know that I still love them and care for them but I still want to prove it to them!!!

 

November 8th, 2003

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7.  I had a ok day.  We got to work with JB [John Baisden—Turning Winds Owner] today!  Which was really fun.  I am glad that we get to sleep, in.  What else is new with me?  Just thinking about how and what I am going to change about my life and how am I going to change my relationship with my parents.  So it all had worked out for me!  Last night I was getting midnight sweating! [HEAL Note:  Night terrors and night sweats are signs of extreme anxiety and trauma.]  I have been sleeping somewhat better.  I feel like I had accomplished a lot since I have been here.  Owen, had told me that I have been doing really well!  All of the staff here has been saying that of me!  JB had asked me to watch everyone and to make sure that they are doing what they are supposed to be doing!  I have been earning a lot of trust.  I am not going to take advantage of all that trust.  I don’t want to lose it.  Well see ya!

 

“5 Important People”

 

  1. Mom & Dad
  2. Sister (Kimmy & Emily)
  3. Family
  4. Myself
  5. Friends
  6. (God)

 

If I were to lose all of the following people I would feel devastated!  I wouldn’t know what to do about it.because I am on that list as well.  So I would be gone as well.  So that would majorly stink.  I would have plenty of things that would be left unsaid.  How I was molested, raped, sexually abused, and how I had felt about all of these situations.  I would feel ashamed and guilt on how felt because I hadn’t expresses how I had felt to them.  All of these situations were hard for me to tell everybody!  So far I have been able to tell my parents, and my friend Brooke as well as Kara and Kirk, as well as the rest of the staff.

 

“Feelings About Situations”

 

When I was six (6) years old I was sexually involved with my brother Nick!

 

My feelings then:  Curious, sad, thought it was my fault.

 

My feelings now: disgusted, worried, sad, depressed.

 

I am and I have overcomed my feelings toward this!  I am still struggling to get through this!  I am worried about what my parents have to say about all of this.  God will help me as well as my feelings and my faith.  My parents I am concerned about!  I am worrying about how they are going to react to this situation!  I hope that they will overcome it!  What am I saying!  They will overcome this.  I am very, very, very curious!  Well that is about it!  So whoever dares to read this, have a bit of fun and please try to understand where I am coming from!!!  I love you peoples very very very much!

 

“Get it all out now”

 

I am worried what and how my parents are going to react to this situation.  What are they going to do about it?  What are they going to say?  I am really concerned!  I hope that they would believe me!  Once that letter comes, I will be extremely happy and worried about what that letter is going to say!  Will they believe me?  Or not?  I just thought that I might-as-well get it all out now before I have a nervous breakdown.  I have a felling that they are crying, that they didn’t believe me!  All of these concern me!  As soon as I get it I will be totally relieved!  I know that this doesn’t make not much sense but it does to me.  This is what I do when I get mad.  So that was just what I was thinking about.  I am on a track to achieve and to succeed!  So peace out Penelipe (Patrick) and Peoples!!!

 

November 9th, 2003

 

“Things I Love”

 

 

“Songs”

 

Strawberry Wine

 

“Favorite Places to Shop”

 

 

“Favorite Food”

 

Italian Food:

 

 

Chinese Food:

 

 

American Food:

 

 

“Things that I want when I graduate”

 

 

“My favorite candy”

 

 

 

November 9th, 2003

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 6.  We went on a walk today.  We had ran into three mooses.  Very scary.  I was thinking about what should I do!  Run up a tree or what!  I have had a headache today.  I have been having a weird horror dream.  There isn’t really anything new.  We got to watch a movie!  Ever After!  I have not been on any bans or consequences!  Well that is it!  Smile

 

November 10th, 2003

 

“Disclosure Letter”

 

What do I need to talk about:

 

 

FYI:  Tell parents everything that I had done wrong in my life!!!

 

I am dividing each of these activities into categories.  Then say what I had all done for that specific category.

 

“Sexually Active”

 

 

[HEAL Note:  If you’ve read all of the entries you will note that originally Patrick stated he had had sex 10 times.  Since being at the program, he has “admitted” to over 76 encounters.  This is indicative of a forced false confession that is expected to “convince” parents that they made the “right” choice.  Wrong choice…Always.]

 

“Drugs”

 

I have done only one kind of drug.  That drug was pot.  I have done them at least 30 times.

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 6.  I was homesick today.  It was somewhat a different day today.  I had learned ASL (American Sign Language).  Jack and I were having conversations during the entire day, using sign language.  It was a lot of fun.  Sarah and Justina I don’t even know.  Sarah was creating drama!  Drama Queen.  I have slipped a little bit today, but I am going to what am I saying?  I will change!  I am not gonna slip anymore!  Well Patricia, I will write to you later!  So peace out and I haven’t written in cursive for a long time!!! Feels really different!

 

November 11th, 2003

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 5 ½!  It had been a ok day today.  I was thinking about my aunt Tess today.  I really miss her and my family.  I was thinking about Brooke today and her friendship quality.  I really miss her.  I am worried about my response letter from my parents about what had happened to me.  You don’t know Jesse so go on the back of page 24 and read all about it!  Well that had been my day today and I look forward to you waking me up!  Smile…

 

November 12th, 2003

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8.  I had done really well in school today.  They say that I am ahead in school, which I thought was really cool.  I have been realizing that I like Turning Winds!  This is my family.  It is awesome that JB [John Baisden, program owner] works night staff!  That is so totally cool.  I look up to him a ton!  I don’t want to let him down, or myself, or my family down, that is why I have been really trying.  I have changed a lot since my stay 3 months and 1 week ago!  That’s how long I have been here for!  My hair on my head had grown back in!  Every day I think about how well I’ve done!  I have not been on any bans or consequences for almost 3 weeks!  I made a promise to Justin and to myself that I wouldn’t get in trouble!  I am keeping that promise!  I was allowed to go to the bathroom today by myself!  Well, have a nice night staff!  PS leave me a note!

 

John Baisden’s Note:  Patrick, I am proud of you!  JB

 

[HEAL Note:  Turning Winds operates like a cult.  JB has become the most important person in Patrick’s life.  This entry also shows that Patrick’s head was shaved, which is a common practice in abusive programs.  It is important for readers to think about your teen years and how you would feel if you weren’t allowed to go to the bathroom privately for over 3 months.  This is abuse.]

 

Drawing/Entry from Patrick:

 

 

[HEAL Note:  We recommend readers understand that “Everybody luvs/loves a stranger!” is repeated through out the journals.  This is indicative of the program’s purpose of creating a dissociative state in its “clients”.]

 

“Two greatest negative that effected/impacted my self”

 

The first one would be getting molested by my brother Nick.  I never can get that out of my.  It has affected me because it was my brother.  It made me get confused and that is what had started me to become sexually active at age six (6)!

 

The second negative issue that had made a major impact on my life was when I was raped at age 13!  I was sexually molested, abused, and I was raped.  I had gone down hill from there and I had to depend on someone.  I smoked, overdosed, attempted suicide, etc.  I was disgusted and embarrassed by the entire situation!  I had just been able to tell my parents!  So I can’t wait to see what they have to say about it!!!

 

November 13th, 2003

 

“Before I read my “Issue Letter””

 

I just went to the bathroom, came out, and saw Kara.  She had handed me my issue letter.  I haven’t read it yet!  As soon as I read it I will write in you and tell you who it went!  I am very scared to read it!  Well I will tell you!  I was handed it at 12:07am on a Thursday!  I will read it soon!!!  I will write what had happened.  I am in school.  I am looking at it!  I want to read it but I am afraid!  Man, I have this really weird feeling!  Kara wants to meet with me today once I read it!  I will try and not let this letter bring my day down!  So, I am going to try to focus in school after Sarah’s lesson.  I am going to read it!  So wish me the best of luck! Love Always-Patrick

 

[HEAL Note:  We remind readers here that Patrick sent/turned in his “issue letter” on October 26th, 2003.  He has waited for the response very anxiously as it contained very sensitive material.  Staff decided it was intelligent and compassionate to give him the letter after midnight and to schedule a meeting regarding the letter’s contents after “school” the next day.  This is a terribly cruel practice that has no therapeutic value and is counter to proper therapeutic techniques.]

 

 

[HEAL Note:  Patrick shouldn’t be “Sorry” for telling his parents about having been raped or sexually abused.  What kind of therapist or counselor supports this kind of cruelty?  A program therapist/counselor?  Programs are not therapeutic and are unethical.]

 

November 13th, 2003

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 5 ½!  I got my issue letter today!  It was a good letter!  I got to go shopping today.  Even though all we went to was Wal-Mart!  It was still a lot of fun to get out of here!  My legs are aching!  Molly has pink eye!  I gave her a high five after she had touched her eye, then I put my hand on my eyes.  So now I may have pink eye.  Well that is about if for my day today.  PS Please leave me a note.

 

[HEAL Note:  No note was left by staff in response to this entry.]

 

November 15th, 2003

 

“Issue Response Letter”

 

Dear Mother,

 

How are you doing?  I have just received your issue letter.  I was in tears reading it and realizing how sorry and stupid I was to do all of those things.  I was relieved when I got it.  You did not say anything that wasn’t true!  At first when you said that I had said “I am in control, and you can’t do anything about it” I thought I hadn’t said it.  But, I replayed that day over and over and I had said that.  It just terrifies me that I had done all of those things.  I had lost it.  I was thinking that if we had let me go any further that I could have truly killed myself or killed you.  It felt like when I was going crazy.  That I knew what was happening but the momentum had taken over and their was nothing we could have done.  I felt like shit later on that day!  I want you to forgive me for what I had done to you.  I  am still living with that guilt.  I felt terrible that I had done that to you.  I wouldn’t forgive myself, but, it would help me if you forgive me.  It is hard for me to put into words.  Mom, would you please forgive me for pushing you?  When you come up here when I graduate, just you and me are going to go on walk and just talk.  Then once that is over we can hug!  I don’t know how you guys were going to help me.  I know that you guys have tried to help me, but I had just rejected it all out of the window.  Now, you guys have got me all the help that I need.  It is now up to me to choose to use it and become a better person or to just say “no I am fine the way that I am”.  I have chosen to take advantage of this program, to let it, others, and myself help me to become a better person than I was.  I don’t know how much you’ve guys, my parents have gone through with me.  But, I do know this much!  I was out of control like you said mom!  I was going nowhere but straight into trouble waters, deeper and deeper with no life jacket to help me to stay afloat!  I do believe that was true but now I have a life jacket, but the even better part is that I am standing on a beautiful piece of land with a life jacket.  I love you!  I really do.  You are 100% right how I had talked down to my little brothers.  I have told myself that they have every right to live with you as I do.  I feel really stupid because they looked up to me; now they are scared of me and who do they look up to now?  A low life nobody!  My brother Nick.  Yes I am jealous cause they look up to him.  The thing that gets me mad is that he does pot, cocaine, drinking, acid, mushrooms, etc.!  I can’t do anything about it.  I am over 2000 miles from home and he is probably out with his friends doing drugs and drinking and laughing their butts off because I am trying to become a better person and cause I am out of his life.  Well, the tree little boys look up to him and sooner or later Mikey will start smoking, not wanting to go to church, become like Nick.  Then Stephen then my favorite brother Mathew.  I don’t want to see them like that when I return!  I have messed up, but, it isn’t to late for me to fix our relationship before it’s too late!  I sort of got off of subject but that issue really effects me a lot.  I want the best for the little boys and I’m not gonna let smokey-the-bear get in the way of me doing that when I ran away the day I was supposed to go to Boy Scouts camp I seriously didn’t want to go!  I couldn’t be myself!  I couldn’t wear my clothes!  I also didn’t want to leave my boyfriend Jim!  Jim and my relationship has gotten out of hand!  It hadn’t been his fault.  I was insecure with myself.  He supported me.  I thought we had something.  When I had ignored my curfew I would call sometimes.  I didn’t want to go home.  I wanted to be with Jim.  If I was to be late with Brooke I would call home and let you know!  Cause she had to be home at the same time as me.  I wouldn’t run away from home because every time I did I would return.  I needed time to chill off, but, by myself.  I had snuck out 3-4 times.  That would be to go and spend the night with Danielle, Jim, and Brooke.  Brooke is a good friend.  Same with Danielle.  The issue about Gay Pride Parade!  I have asked you about it.  Danielle, Brooke, me all went as a group as well as 12 of our other different friends.  I have had problems with my curfew.  I admit to it.  I want us to have a agreement.  I was hoping for 11:00pm, if I can show you that I deserve it!  Ok, the cell phone issues.  Those were all lies that I Told you!  Yes, I do have Dad’s, Aunt Joanie, Joe’s, Mrs. Watson, and that dude’s cell phone.  I had to communicate with you and friends.  I was stupid to do it.  The other cell phone that you have sitting at home belongs 100% to me!  I can prove it to you.  I bought it with my own money.  I didn’t trade my old cell phon in for the new one.  I wouldn’t had felt right telling you because all that you would do was to question me!  I had saved up my money ($$$) for babysitting to pay for it.  I have a problem with text messages!  I am addicted to them.  When I get out of here I will work off the money to pay for them for Mrs. Watson’s phone.  Please if I can help in any way let me know!  Yes, I did take the turkey check.  I knew it was wrong.  Yet Nick made me do it!  He stole all of the money!  I cashed it.  I have to disagree with how you, Kimmy, and the boys had done 95% of the work, that isn’t true, well that is your opinion/perspective.  Mine is that I had done at least 12 or 13% of the work.  Why did I do that?  Well ask Nick that question.  He stole it and I had cashed it .  He took and ran off with the money ($$$).  Money, well I was greedy and wanted cigarettes, credit cars, you guys owed me money, you wouldn’t give it to me so I used credit cards.  Money and your checks.  Kim’s make up because I hadn’t had any and if I bought it at Jewel-Osco I would be looked at.  You would be embarrassed.  I didn’t want that.  But I shouldn’t say that cause I wear black 6” inch laced up boots, black skirt, make up, a tank top, with a purse inside Jewel.  So, cause I didn’t want to spend the money ($$$) to get it.  Clothes, I loved Kimmy’s clothes!  I wanted to be a girl.  The other clothes Danielle gave me.  Same with Brooke.  CDs I had just borrowed them, but, I forgot to give them back!  I didn’t take any atm cards.  I am really sorry for what I put you all through!  Writing this really makes me see it more!  I will promise you that it won’t happen again.  But in order for us to get over this we must learn to forgive and to forget!  I am trying my best to do that, but, I need to tell me that you forgive me!  That way you and me are on the same track!  I am a leader, not a follower!  I will prove that to you later when we meet.  I hope that you see that I am REALLY sorry.  I do care a lot about a lot about these issues!  The reason you know that is that I won’t do it again and that I am trying to change and putting in all of my effort to show that to you but as well as everyone!  Before I go I would like to say thank you for being straight up with me and telling me the truth and not exaggerating about it all.  You told me the truth and that’s all I want you to know that I love you and care about you always!  Love always, Patrick.

 

 

[HEAL Note:  Repetition of “leader, not a follower” as above.  Patrick is using the word “meet” in reference to his parents instead of “see you again” which is indicative of a dissociative state.  Patrick, in this entry, credits Turning Winds with giving him “help” that saved his life.  Programs typically brainwash everyone, including their clients, that it is their program or death.  This is just not realistic and another coercive sales technique.  Turning Winds is an abusive program.  We’ve also seen in the last few entries how Patrick is being used by Turning Winds to try to recruit is siblings into the cult/program.  Turning Winds is harmful.]

 

November 14th, 2003

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7.  It had been a ok day.  We got our clothes.  I love all of them.  They are so warm.  There really isn’t that much to talk about. Tonight we are getting up at 1:30am and are going to dance for like 2 minutes.  That is Friday’s tradition.  But I am so glad that we get to wake up at 8:30am!  Thank you JB for changing the schedule!  I am going to start on my issue response letter home!  Well that is about it!  So peace out night staff and me!  So that’s all for tonight!  Smile…

 

[HEAL Note:  More evidence of the use of sleep deprivation.]

 

November 15th, 2003

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7.  It was a different, unusual day for me!  We got to wake up at 8:30am.  Fun.  I have a bad concussion today!  We were unloading a wood stack and it had fallen on top of me and had hit my head.  It really hurts.  I was bleeding from my head non-stop.  You have to wake me up every hour and I have to like stay up for five minutes before I can go back to bed.  Well I am very tired so I just want to sleep but they won’t let me go to bed yet!  I am very tired.

 

November 16th, 2003

 

“I’m Sorry…”

 

I’m sorry for all the times I lost my temper

For the times when I was rude

For all the gifts that were given

And never received thank yous.

 

For all the love you’ve given me

And I haven’t given back

For all the times you were patient

A virtue that I lack.

 

I’m sorry for all the people

To whom I was so cruel

To all the people I laughed at

I acted like a fool.

 

I couldn’t see past your imperfections

I couldn’t see past my pride

Your feelings I trampled all over

On my high horse I would ride.

 

I’m sorry for all the times I lied

For the people I hurt along the way

Not a day goes by that I don’t regret it

And I’d take it back any day.

 

The only person I cared about was me

And now I’m truly sorry

I only wish I could make you see.

 

I’m sorry for everything I’ve done

For all the people I let down

I’m only asking for a second chance

So I can turn things back around.

 

I know that it’s a little late

My deeds can’t be undone

I realize now that I was wrong

And I’m sorry for everyone.

 

I made this poem to include with my issue response letter, to my Mom.  It is a masterpiece.  Smile…

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Today my day as a good day!  I would have to rate it an 8!  I did really well today.  I had a fun day.  It started to snow!  So I had asked Shannon if I can go outside and twist and turn in the snow.  It was a load of fun.  Well I really really don’t know what else to talk to myself about?  Laugh out loud.  So peace out Chatty Patty, and sleep well and have a nice night!  Smile…

 

[HEAL Reminder:  The journal is read by staff.  The more “positive” the entry, the better Patrick is treated.  The more “negative” the entry, Patrick is punished, possibly to the point of being started over on Orientation.  HEAL also would like readers to note the self-comforting exhibited in this entry and this is indicative of anxiety and trauma. ]

 

November 17th, 2003

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Today was an exotic day for me.  I could say that I would have to rate it a 7 ½.  I tried on working on my algebra today.  I really had wanted to get into it today.  Some reason, might just because I just want to get it out of the way.  I had worked with Shannon today.  We had burned some burn piles!  The pile had gotten so big, so we all had to run to the shed and get the shovels and run back up to the pile then we had ran back down to get some buckets of water, ran back up to the burn pile and had put it out!  I had talked to Carl today, and he had asked me if I was ready for course.  I told him that I was ready.  So he had also told me that I was very close to course.  So I am trying my best!  I had done a really excellent job today in PT (physical training).  Well peace out.  Patrick!

 

[HEAL Note:  This sounds like dangerous and excessive work during a time when algebra may be of higher importance.  Also, please note that Patrick is being told he is nearing the next level within the supposed “three phase” system at Turning Winds.  It is “course”. 

 

“I wonder as I wander”

 

I wonder as I wander

Out under the sky

Why do people I care about

Always have to die?

 

Are you happy where you are

Wherever that may be?

I wonder and I wander

Do you still think of me?

 

Is it nice up there in heaven?

For I know you made it there.

Are the clouds made out of marshmallows?

Do you know that I still care?

 

I look up at the winter sky,

And shed a single tear.

I think of all the days gone by,

I’ll always hold you dear.

 

I wonder as I wander

Out under the sky

Why do people I care about

Always have to die?

 

“Seize the Day”

 

Just a moment in this lifetime,

Just a tragedy ahead.

Not knowing where each turn will lead,

Within seconds we might be dead.

 

Live each day to the fullest,

Do not stop to wonder why.

Do everything your heart desires,

In dreams, reach for the sky.

 

Surprises at every stop sign,

With its share of wrong ways and dead ends.

Statistics don’t help you with the future,

They only tell you where you’ve been.

 

With so many people among us,

There are no certainties.

And all it takes is just one person,

To reroute history.

 

Don’t waste one single moment.

How very precious that they are.

What seems a long way off,

Is really not that far.

 

“Numb”

 

The sharp edge of the razor cuts my skin easily.

I’m numb to the pain,

Numb to the blood,

Too numb to realize what’s happening,

To realize what I’m doing.

One cut follows another,

And another,

Till I can’t stop.

The razor falls from my hand,

Blood drips down my arm,

Tears roll down my cheeks.

What have I done?

 

[End of Poetry for November 17th, 2003. ]

 

Conflict builds character.  Crisis defines it. –Steven V. Thulon

 

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but, where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.—Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

Remember that the road to healing winds through pain, anguish, sickness, and many times.—Amanda Ford

 

“Abuse”

 

The untold truths

Of wisdom lie

Solely in the beating

Of the heart of an

Ill-treated child

Whose wounds will

Heal and heart will seal, but

Memory will never die.

--Savannah Marton

 

When written in Chinese, the word “crisis” is composed of two characters.  One represents danger and the other represents opportunity. –John F. Kennedy

 

To feel the love of people whom we love is a fire that feeds our life.—Pablo Neruda

 

I’m convinced that tragedy wants to harden us and that our mission is to never let it.—Sally Reardon, Felicity

 

[More poetry]

 

“I Am”

 

I am a poet writing of my pain.

I am a person living a life of shame.

I am your daughter hiding my depression.

I am your sister making a good impression.

I am your friend acting like I’m fine.

I am a wisher wishing life weren’t mine.

I am a girl who thinks of suicide.

I am a teenager pushing her tears aside.

I am a student who doesn’t have a clue.

I am the girl sitting next to you.

I am the one asking you to care.

I am your best friend hoping you’ll be there.

 

The difference between holding on to a hurt or releasing it with forgiveness is like the difference between laying your head down at night on a pillow filled with thorns or a pillow filled with rose petals.—Loren Fischer

 

Often the test of courage is not to die but to live.—Vittorio Alfiert

 

What is there to do when people die---people so dear and rare—but bring them back by remembering?—Mary Sarton

 

My time has come,

And so I’m gone.

To a better place,

Far beyond.

I love you all

As you can see.

But it’s better now,

Because I’m free…

 

I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me but I find I am grateful for having loved them.  The gratitude has finally conquered the loss.—Rita Mae Brown

 

There will be a time when believe everything is finished.  That will be the beginning.—Louis L’Amour

 

The family is one of nature’s masterpieces.—George Santayana

 

Learn from the mistakes of others—you can never live long enough to make them all yourself.—John Luther

 

“People don’t change that much…”

“Yes, they do.  They grow up and they accept responsibilities, and they realize that ‘die young, stay pretty’ isn’t exactly all it’s cracked up to be.” –Drew and Jen—Dawson’s Creek

 

Be all that you can be.—US Army

 

Just do it.—Nike

 

Best selling cigars in the Midwest.—Churchill and Burns.

 

Wherever the water floes meadow gas.—Meadow Equipment

 

Need—

 

Queen Size Bed

Dresser

3 Seat Couch

1 recliner comfy chair

TV

DVD Player

Home Entertainment Center

2 Twist lights in living room

1 lamp in bedroom next to bed

1 nightstand

 

[This concludes the contents of the second book of journals/assignments written by Patrick Liberg.  The first book is missing or was kept by the program.  It was probably too incriminating.  The next journals/assignments are below.]

 

November 19th, 2003

 

“Introduction”

 

This journal is my third journal since my stay at Turning Winds.  This journal means a lot to me.  I will be looking back on this journal as a memory about my “Life Changing Experience” here at Turning Winds.  I am so glad how well I am doing here.  This journal will not only talk about my day, but it will talk about all of my feelings, my poetry, journals, letters, writing assignments, etc.  This journal is a piece of my life.  So I hope whoever is reading this will enjoy reading all about me, and whatever else that I may be saying in here!  So have fun and Peace out.  That is all that I have to say and that’s my story and I am sticking to it.

 

PS Warning, this journal, it’s owner, it’s content/context, is not responsible for anyone who reads this!!! 

 

Smile.

 

November 19th, 2003

 

Wow!  It is almost 9:00am in the morning.  We woke up to this awesome new staff member!  Eric, is his name.  Today for breakfast we were supposed to have pancakes.  But instead cold cereal.  The power went out!  IT has been going on and off all day!  The winds are blowing up to be 100 miles per hour!  It is weird. We are waiting for our school teacher Scott to bring back some lamps because we cannot see anything at all.  We have to have school downstairs!  It is almost pitch black.  We have two emergency lights.  One upstairs and one downstairs.  Well we just had liten a lantern, but it’s still dark!  Now I wonder how in the world do the Amish people do it?  No lights, no electricity, no phones, etc.!  Crazy.  I feel like I am Amish!  Even a famous historian writing in my journal by a lantern.  Well time to start school, so peace out.  I wonder when in the world will the lights go back on?  Well that is it.  This is really fun working by a lantern!  I am breathing/smelling the fumes, I will be fine, I hope so anyway!  LOL (Laugh out loud).  So peace out my friend!

 

“Why I’m Sad”

 

Well, I don’t like it when people make fun of my aunt Tess.  I don’t mind it when Carl [HEAL Note: Carl is Turning Winds staff.  Remember, Tess is Patrick’s aunt who recently had surgery and was diagnosed with cancer.] makes fun of her, but, other people do and that gets me down.  I got a package today from her and I have to ask Kara about it cause I am not supposed to be getting anything from her.  All of these things in the box are mine and she is just sending them to me.  I am worried because I don’t know if Kara will let me have it.  I love my aunt Tess a ton and me not being able to receive or write letters from her really saddens me.  I hope that Kara lets me have it.  I need it.  Well I am tired of being sad, so I don’t want to go there.  But I am going to talk to Kara and ask her if we could give my aunt Tess another chance!  So that mostly wraps up why I was feeling so down and sad.  Well I hope to see Kara tonight and I hope that I get my package today.  Well I am going to go out to work now so I will tak to you later, ok!  Great see you later Patrick.  Love Always, Patrick Eugene Liberg

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day had been a good day.  I would have to rate my day as a 7 ¾.  We woke up to a staff member, he is very nice.  I like the way that he wakes us up!  Do you want the light on or off?  Laugh out loud (LOL).  I didn’t have to do a ton of work in school today.  Scott let me have a easy going day.  Molly and Jack had been put on cooling bans.  I had a great nights sleep.  I did great on my chores today.  Wow, this journal is totally bigger than my old one and it is hard to fill it up all the way!  Laugh out loud (LOL).  Well that is about it, so I am going to get going.  So peace out man and have a nice night!  PS—leave me a note!!!  Smile…

 

Eric W., Night Staff Note:  Thank you for the nice input.  I hope we can become good friends and help each other out on many levels.

 

November 20th, 2003

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was so cool.  We had a snow ball fight.  I would have to rate my day as a 8 ½.  I got my packages today.  I had a fun today.  I had a good time in school and I made a collage with Carl.  It was a blast.  Well that is my day.

 

November 21st, 2003

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today my day had been a 8!  Jack is being a little jerk to everyone!  Something is wrong with him!  But anyways we had got to go sledding 3 times today.  We had went sledding at the night time.  It had been a load a fun.  I had a great day today.  We got to sleep in until 8:30am!  Thank God!  Well, that is just about it for my day today! Sorry my journals are so short, it is because this journal is much bigger!  Well I had worked a big ton load of on my disclosure letter.  Well I gotta get going to bed.  So I will talk to you later journal (Penelipe is my journal’s name).  Well gotta go!  I can’t stand Jack!  He won’t stop arguing!  So see ya later!  Smile.

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a great day.  It would be rated as a 7.  We had to shovel the snow.  Fun, fun, fun!  Josh and Chris are all on cooking bans.  I want to wake up when Sam gets here!  Can I get woken up at 7:30am.  I want to talk to Sam and I need to cook breakfast as well.  My day was fun.  We didn’t get to go sledding today.  But, oh well.  Hm.  Let me see, not that much is up with me, so peace out Penelipe and I will talk to you later.

 

November 23rd, 2003

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Today my was a 6.  It was a ok day.  But you know, it could have been better.  We didn’t get to watch a movie or have a dessert today.  But I could understand why.  I feel like I had held people accountable for their actions today, so I have to admit that I have been improving with being a leader.  I have been working on not being rude to people in the morning, so tomorrow none of that!  I did have a good day.  I was thinking about Danielle, Brenda, Brooke, and Nichole today.  I miss them but other than that I think well I know for a fact that I am doing much better!  So that’s it for tonight Penelipe (my journal).

 

[HEAL Note:  Patrick has now been given more “responsibility” over the lower level “clients”.  This is indicative of an abusive behavior modification model.  It is irresponsible to put teenagers in charge of other teenagers.]

 

November 24th, 2003

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7 ¾.  Well more like a 8.  I got to go the library.  I got to think by myself!  Thank God!  Sorry my journal is short.

 

November 25th, 2003

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8!  I got to make a snow man.  My 1st one this year!  I had gotten a letter from my aunt Gail and my parents.  I have a new dog!  It’s name is Bud!  We get more rabbits!  I am so glad that my parents had wrote back for me.  They know that I had been raped/sexually molested!  I am glad that they are all doing so good!  Well that’s it for tonight!  PS  Leave me another note Eric!  We hired a new staff member today!

 

[HEAL Note:  Patrick is exhibiting signs of identifying with the cult/cult-leader.  In reference to a new hire at the program, he says “we hired”, he is now seeing himself as part of the program.  This is unhealthy and indicative of a coercive thought reform model.]

 

Eric’s Note [Night Staff]—Hey Patrick I’m glad you had a good couple of days while I was off.  I’m happy to see that your parents are writing back to you.  Well see you in the morning.  Eric W.

 

November 26th, 2003

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7 ½.  It was going great today!  Sam was sort of crying during directions because I had been doing so good around here.  Later into the night, we had found someone’s underwear in a plastic bag.  JB [John Baisden—owner of Turning Winds] is going to be here later tonight.  I got a consequence from Sam today.  I had actually cried today cause of my consequence!  I thought to myself, why am I crying?  I said that I had been doing really really good and I had messed up.  I realized by me crying show that I care!  What do you think?  I had a really great directions with Sam today.  She said keep up the great work.  That had cheered me up a ton.  Well that is just about it for my day today.  But other than that it all!  Oh leave me a note as well!!!

 

Eric’s Note [Night Staff]—Have a great Thanksgiving Patrick and keep up the good work.  Eric W.

 

November 27th, 2003 [However, Patrick dated this entry incorrectly with October 27th, 2003—HEAL believes this is due to the setback/consequences mentioned above.]

 

“I’m Sorry”

 

I’m sorry for all the times I lost my temper

For the times when I was rude

For all the gifts that were given

And never received thank-yous.

 

For all the love you’ve given me

And I haven’t given back

For all the times you were patient

A virtue that I lack.

 

I’m sorry for all the people

To whom I was so cruel

To all the people I laughed at

I acted like a fool.

 

I couldn’t see past your imperfections

I couldn’t see past my pride.

Your feelings I trampled all over

On my high horse I would ride.

 

I’m sorry for all the times I lied

For the people I hurt along the way

Not a day goes by that I don’t regret it

And I’d take it back any day.

 

The only person I cared about

Was me and only me.

And now I’m truly sorry

I only wish I could make you see.

 

I’m sorry for everything I’ve done

For all the people I let down

I’m only asking for a second chance

So I can turn things back around.

 

I know that this is a little late

My deeds can’t be undone

I realize now that I was wrong

And I’m sorry everyone.

 

November 27th, 2003

 

“What I am Thankful For”

 

I am thankful for many of things.

I am thankful for my family.  I am thankful for the people here at Turning Winds.  I am thankful that I am a new me.  I am thankful for everything that I have, not more, what I have.  I am also thankful for all the people I have that care and love about me.  I am thankful for all of my animals as well.  I am also thankful that I got to talk to my parents.  That is what I am thankful for at Thanksgiving.  I am also thankful for the Lord.  Love Always, Patrick.

 

[HEAL Note:  Patrick was a great person before Turning Winds and is a great person today.  He did not need to be turned into a “new me”.  How is self-hate therapeutic?]

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a (9 scratched out) 10!  I got to talk to my parents on the phone today.  I was crying and I had been so happy!  My goal today was to make sure that my breath didn’t smell, like Clair.  My goal had been completed!  We had a awesome Thanksgiving.  I had felt like I had been doing good today.  I have to say that it bothers me with all of the stuff that people have been doing!  I am so thankful for everything that I have.  I am proud that my parents got a chance to speak to me.  Well, that has been my day today!  Smile…

 

[HEAL Note:  This is the first noted telephone call Patrick has had with his family since he arrived at Turning Winds months before.  This is unhealthy and indicative of an abusive behavior modification program.]

 

November 28th, 2003

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today my day would have to be a 8!  That is based on my goals.  I had finished my disclosure letter!  I am very proud of myself for doing that.  I had a talk with JB [John Baisden—Turning Winds Owner] on Thanksgiving.  We had talked about what I had been doing was wrong.  I agree with him and sorry that we had to have that conversation.  He had suggested to me that I should do some research on what I did with my friends and how it was wrong.  I had been thinking about it all day.  I have chosen the friends that are my “really” good friends.  Those people are Brooke, Danielle, Brenda, and Nichole.  I feel so stupid that I had done things like that.  I want to write to Jim and tell him that it’s over, no more, that he isn’t my friend, and how it has effected me today.  I am going to talk to Kara, or JB and ask them if I could possibly do that.  Well that is it.  Please leave me a note on do you think that I should tell him how it makes me feel and that it’s over.  Please let me know!!!!

 

[HEAL Note:  Turning Winds was attempting to make Patrick a heterosexual in direct conflict with his sexual orientation.  The staff did not leave a note in response to Patrick’s request.]

 

November 29th, 2003

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

Today my day would be a 6.  I was happy this morning, but, during group I had gotten sad and depressed!  I had been thinking about my friend Brooke.  I miss her extremely bad.  I have been having these really and I mean really weird dreams.  I am having dreams with Brooke in them.  I want to see her very very bad.  I think that it has to do with the talk JB [John Baisden—Turning Winds Owner] and I had with each other.  My goal today was to not to think about my friend Brooke.  I did not complete that goal successfully.  I had been thinking about her all day.  It is hard to get her off of my mind. But, I will try to complete that goal tomorrow!  Well that is about it.  I will write in you later.  Smile…

 

November 30th, 2003

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Today my day had been a 9!  I did really good on my goals.  I had completed my goal today!  Not to think about Brooke or any of my friends!  I didn’t get on any bans or consequences!  Today we got dessert!  Thank God.  I had played skip-bo!  That is my favorite game in the world!  I had worked on my goals today, which had made me proud of myself.  Well that is about it.  Smile…

 

[HEAL Note:  Is it reasonable to ask a teenager far from home not to think about any of his friends?  This is abusive.]

 

December 1st, 2003

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was “GREAT”!  I would have to rate it a 10!  I am moving up to JB [ John Baisden—Program Owner] and Kara’s house!  I am so excited, I had completed my goal for today!  That would be to not pick at myself.  Amazing, I can’t get over the fact that I am moving.  I feel like I have a ton of trust, well, I gotta get going!  Please leave me a note!  Thanks.  Smile…

 

Eric’s [Night Staff] Note:  Nice job Patrick!  I’m very happy for you.  Eric.

 

December 5th, 2003

 

“Christmas List”

 

 

“Goals & Dreams”

 

[HEAL would like to remind readers that Patrick was 14 when he arrived at Turning Winds and is still 14 in 2003.]

 

Goals and dreams since I had been a little kid:

 

 

“Goals and Dreams before I came to Turning Winds”

 

 

“Goals and Dreams at Turning Winds”

 

 

[HEAL Note:   Patrick is now on the “Course” level of the program at Turning Winds.]

 

Course Day One

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Well, here I am in Hell’s canyon.  I am afraid of the mountain lions.  Today was our first day hiking.  We had hiked 20 miles!  Halfway done with course already.  Counting down the days until solo.  Sounds like fun.  Today I had been really self-motivated.  We were only supposed to hike 14 miles, but, instead we did 20 miles.  We are sleeping on the beach tonight!  I have a theme for my course.  That theme is to be independent.  I have been thinking about it all day while I was hiking.  I also had kept a positive attitude while we were hiking.  I had put others needs in front of my own personal needs!  That worked out for me pretty good.  I don’t know about others, but, it really worked out great for me.  I had a load of fun today on course.  Even though it is really cold.  I am still trying to have a great time.  Well I am going to go to bed now!  Love Always—Patrick

 

[HEAL Note:  The first bolded items in the last entry above are to show that they push kids to hike 20 miles in one day.  This would be exhausting for someone in excellent shape.  And, given the amount of gear each kid has to carry, this is quite a cruel challenge.  The second bolded item is to highlight that Patrick is now in the “altruism” level within the 3 phase system at Turning Winds.  “Altruism” is the 2nd to last level of the 10 level system used by Turning Winds.]

 

“Course Menus”

 

Friday Dinner:  Four Cheese Mashed Potatoes and Chewy Granola

Saturday Breakfast:  Breakfast squares and chewy (chocolate dipped)

Lunch:  Instant beef flavored soup (Ramen Noodle Soup)  and Cheese Snack

Dinner: Sour Cream and Chives (Noodles and Sauce) and Chewy granola.

Sunday Breakfast: Pop-Tarts (Snak-Stix) and Chewy (chocolate dipped)

Lunch: Instant beef flavored soup (Ramen Noodle Soup) and Cheese Snack

Dinner: Rice Medley (Rice and Sauce) and Fruit Snack

Monday Breakfast: Instant oatmeal (two packages) and cream cheese and chives (crackers)

Lunch: Breakfast squares and fruit snacks

Dinner: Roasted Garlic Chicken and Cheese Snacks

Tuesday Breakfast: Instant Oatmeal (two packages) and chewy (chocolate dipped)

Lunch: Potatoes with seasoning and cheese snacks

Dinner:  Chicken Broccoli and Chewy Granola (golden almond)

Wednesday Breakfast: Instant oatmeal (two packages) and chewy granola (oats and honey)

Lunch: Crackers (peanut butter) and fruit snack

 

“Whenever Snacks”

 

One Cheese Snack

Three Hot Chocolates

Five spiced ciders.

 

[HEAL Note:  Patrick in the above entry believed he had finished half of the “course” in one day.  And, the above shows that the “course” lasted at least 5 days. ]

 

“Letter to my Son or Daughter 20 years from now”

 

Dear Sasha,


Hey daughter, by the time you get this letter from me it would be 20 years old!  I am writing this letter on December 12th, 2003.  The date that you will get this letter will be on December 12th, 2023.  OK, right now I am 14 years old.  I am writing this letter to you as a writing assignment.  I am out on my course.  I was a good teenager, that made bad choices.  So, I am staying at Turning Winds.  I have been there for about 4 ½ months.  I have to go on course in order for me to graduate.  Once I graduate, I will start to see my parents!  I will be able to talk to them as well once a week.  The other reason is to give you some excellent advice, guide you on the right path, to give you some courage and encouragement, and much much more!  First off I would like to tell you that I love you very much!  Write now, you don’t even exist.  But, you will someday when that time rolls along.  OK, let me get started.  First off, please don’t disobey your parents.  Trust me I know how it is.  I am a teenager right now, so take it from me.  Your parents love you very much.  They would do anything for you, to help you, to guide you, whatever it takes we will try our best to help you out!  Next would be not to sell yourself out.  This would be in with to be yourself and to be independent.  I was not at all a independent person!  I would always depend on others.  I would depend on my boyfriend.  They would let me depend on them, only if they get what they wanted. (It is always sex).  I would like to be alone, going on hikes, but, I wanted somebody to love and to be with.  I didn’t care if it was a abusive relationship. Anything at all was good for me!  But, that has all changed!  Don’t surrender!  Show no white flag above your head!  Go down with the ship! (not really, but you get the point).  Don’t sell yourself out.  It is hard at times, but, you can overcome those thoughts or feelings, but, not selling yourself out.  Stand up for what you believe in, don’t give up, no matter what!  Stick up for what is write, who cares about what others think, if it is write stand by in what you believe.  That is what will help you become a Excellent independent leader.  But, hold others accountable.  If you know that someone is doing something wrong say “Hey, that is not write”, or something around there.  Show them what they are doing wrong, help them.  Take my word for it, it’s very very very of hard thing to do!  It is hard for me to do, still, but if you can’t do it or say anything about it to that person, go and get another person’s help.  See if they have the same opinion as you do.  If they do awesome, have them help you to approach that person.  In the long run it will become easier.  Trust me…Next off would be not to lie.  Their are way too many liars in the world today!  Make yourself look good/stand out from others by not lying.  Lying will get you nowhere in this world.  A lot of people hate liars, but, they are the ones who lie themselves.  Another would be not to steal.  Stealing is a terrible and I mean a terrible habit.  No one would like to be around you if you lie or steal.  If you hang out with friends that encourage you to do those things aren’t good friends at all!  You would be hanging out with the wrong people.  Next would be to choose your friends very wisely.  I didn’t do that at first.  Look where I ended up in!  A facility for troubled teenagers!  Before you say that a person is a good friend, go over the steps of what a good friend is!  Are they trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, or brave?  Will they help you take on in your life?  Do they use you for your things that you worked for?  From my past experience of my friends, let’s just say that it isn’t quite a exactly good friendship!  Next would be to keep a positive attitude.  Even when all hell broke loose, you can still have a positive attitude.  Be happy.  Don’t get depressed!  I got so depressed that I had tried killing myself by overdosing on 60 aspirin.  Next would be to express who you are!  Express how the true you is feeling deep down inside of yourself!  If you don’t express yourself, how do you expect others to help you or for you even to help others.  It may seem dumb or stupid but expressing how you feel is great.  If you don’t express how you are feeling the littlest things will get you really mad!  I have done this a lot in my lifetime.  It is not at all one good for you.  So open up to not only yourself but to others.  You have to give people a chance, even if you don’t want to you got to.  It is the only way for you to be heard, but, the only way for you to get through those issues you must take it piece by piece, day by day.  Think before you speak!  If you don’t you can get yourself into a lot of unexpected trouble!  Well that is it for now.  My wonderful daughter of mine!  I love you always and forever.  If you need help, advice, guidance, anything at all, you can always no matter what come to me!  Love always and forever, Patrick.

 

December 12th, 2003

 

Course Day Two

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today my day would have to be a 8 ¾!  We only had to hike one and a half miles.  Tomorrow we are going to hike back to Kirkwood!  Then I will be staying there solo!  After solo we will hike back to the van!  I have been working on my group goals as well as my personal goals.  I gave positive encouragement to others.  I kept the group going.  I didn’t give up.  I had a blast.  What can I say, I enjoyed today!  I am still sore but I hope that I will get a good night’s rest tonight!  I hope that when we hike tomorrow that it won’t be long.  I have enjoyed my time out here in Hell’s Canyon.  I really look forward to seeing my parents soon.  Well, I am really exhausted (tired) right now.  I hope that the weather is good tomorrow!  Love Always--Patrick

 

“Assignment One”

 

20 Symbolic Things From Course.

 

  1. The moon reminds me of my sister.  Whenever we are far apart from one another we look at the moon.  Whenever I miss her, all that I have to do is look up to the moon.  My sister and I had both chosen the moon because we had always wanted to go to the moon.
  2. My tent reminds me of my home.  It provides structure, keeps me out of the rain, and provides me with structure.  Without my tent I would be cold, soaked, tired, etc.  If I didn’t have my tent things would be very hard.  I could ever not survive without it.
  3. My headlamp reminds me of hard times.  When you are in the dark, it will provide light.  When you are scared, it lets you see what is there.  Some of the hard times that I have had, been in the dark, and I have had my headlight there and ready.
  4. My clothes that are on my body make me thankful for what I have. I have warm clothing on and there are others that are out there that only have underwear.  I am thankful for what I have, and in my case my warm clothes are there.
  5. My shoelaces remind me of all of the trust that I had earned.  I didn’t have any shoelaces so that means that I have no trust.  I have my shoelaces back and I am finally trusted again.  I now know that when I look down at my feet, that how hard I had worked for my laces.  So whenever I feel like I have no trust, all that I have to do is to look down at my feet and say I have trust!
  6. My pen resembles my thoughts, feelings, emotions, poetry, etc.  I write with my pen each and every single day.  My pen allows me to write down how I feel.  To me, my pen is considered to be one of my best friends.
  7. Next my food would represent my life.  It keeps me alive and moving.  Without food I would be dead.  Food gives me strength, to move on, and that is why food would represent my life.
  8. Next my whistle would represent my Mom.  If I needed my Mom at all I would have to call her and she would come and see what I needed her help for.  When it is a emergency I have to blow my whistle, and help will be on it’s way.
  9. Next would be my sleeping bag.  My sleeping bag reminds me of bed at home.  It protects me, it keeps me warm.  If I am scared, all that I have to do is to hide in it!  It is soft and warm, just like my bed at home.
  10. Next, fire would represent warmth/comfort.  It keeps you warm and it is peaceful to be next to.  Fire also represents one of the four of earth’s elements.  (Earth, Air, Fire, Water).  It also reminds me of how I did Wicca.
  11. Next, the river would represent living.  The river flows on and on forever.  It often stops until it dries up.  When you live your inner river is flowing.  Once that river inside of you goes out, then, you are gone.
  12. Next would be a rock/stone.  It represents a good and a bad person.  When the rock is in the river, it is all rough and bumby.  Later on it wears down into a smooth stone.  Then it is a good person.
  13. Next would be how a eagle represents being free-spirited.  It lives out in the wild, flies to wherever it wants to go.  Does whatever it wants.  That to me is being free-spirited.
  14. Next would be grass/plants/trees.  They represent being healthy.  When a plant is green it is healthy.  It has food, water, air.  It shows that it is healthy by being green.
  15. Next would be the stars.  They represent a sense of direction.  When you are lost, you have to look up at the sky and read and picture out what the stars are telling you to go.  They point you in a direction.  That’s why stars represent a sense of direction.
  16. Next would be the sun.  The sun represents my Mother.  Whenever I think, see, or hear about the sun, I remember my Mom.  The sun is my mother’s favorite planet.  It also reminds me of my Mom because it is warm.  She is a warm kind hearted lady.  That is why the sun represents my Mother.
  17. Whenever I see a cigarette butt it symbolizes how stupid I was to smoke.  It shows me how immature I was and stupid to make that kind of a decision.
  18. Next, trees would symbolize my brother Nick.  It symbolizes him because he is tall, he loves green, and loves all kinds of trees.  So whenever I stop to admire any kind of a tree, he would be in my mind.
  19. Next, water would symbolize creation.  When there is a tiny seed, it will need water to grow!  Without water, it won’t grow.  But, with water, it will form into something new. (a creation)!  If there was no water, there wouldn’t be a creation.
  20. Next would be the sunset.  The sunset symbolizes God to me.  It is so very pretty, warm, peaceful, and sweet to look at.  They remind me that he is watching over me every second.  They remind me that someday I will be there up in heave with God and me.

Course Day Three

 

December 13th, 2003

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

Today I would have to rate my day an 8!  Maybe a little bit higher, but that is what I am feeling!  Well we woke up around 7:30am.  We lefted Sheep Creek Camp this morning heading towards Kirkwood.  12 mile hike, we started solo (so low) tonight.  So far it seems cool.  It is very different.  We leave and go home on Wednesday!  Can’t wait.  I don’t know why I was afraid about the hiking part. It is fairly easy.  I am going to put my best effort into my writing assignments!  I worked on our course group goals today!  I kept the group self-motivated, I gave positive feedback, I held others accountable.  I tried to keep the camp clean.  I did a pretty darn good job today.  I hiked Suicide Mountain today.  It was so much fun!  Four (4) more days to go until we leave.  I pushed myself today as well.  It feels good to push yourself sometimes.  My personal goals I was thinking about somewhat.  I am still trying to figure out if Brooke is a real good friend for me!  Well I have three days to myself to think about it, well, I am going to give my writing assignment another chance, so I am going to get going now.  Love always & forever.  Patrick.

 

“Assignment One”

 

Topic: 20 things that are symbolic from course.

 

One: When a bug is flying around in your tent, when you are trying to concentrate.  Buzz, Buzz, it goes in your face.  You are easily now, not concentrating on what you were before that bug flew into your face.  You are now mad, upset, seeking revenge to that bug, off track of what you are supposed to be doing, and lost your patience.  The bug is symbolic to me, because, I let the littlest things distract me, get me off track, and get mad and angry over the small stuff.  I can also relate to this, because that same exact problem had happened to me in my tent today.

 

Two:  When you are hiking and you trip and fall over a rock that is in the trail you can be hurt, frustrated, wanting to give up.  This rock in the path is symbolic to my past of my doing drugs.  It is in the way of everything. (school, family, friends, etc.)  It is hurting me because I want to move on but, there is that rock (drugs), that is making me stay in the same place as before, not progressing one bit!  Now I am way past me doing drugs.  I took that rock and threw it into the river.  I have overcome my past of me doing drugs!

 

Three:  When it is dark, scary, lonesome outside, you have a flashlight to guide you the way.  You are still scared but not as much anymore.  You depend on this flashlight.  It was to go out you would freak out, get terrified, etc.!  This is symbolic to me having “to depend on others”.  You think that everything is fine.  But, deep down inside of you, you are hurt, sadden, still lonely, depressed.  You say to yourself that you need others.  You really don’t.  I have moved on and realized how much fun that you can have by not depending on others.  You still can hang around them, but, you feel great inside that you have yourself, and that is all you need. (People who are afraid of the dark, will depend on light.  Jack depends on his head lamp.  Now let’s just say if his batteries went dead how would Jack feel?  Well he would probably get scared, feel lonely, afraid, not knowing what to do.  This is how I relate a headlamp to me being not independent.)

 

Four:  I see a grasshopper jumping away from me.  He is jumping away from his problem and fears (me).  He is scared and all that he knows what to do is to run away from his problems, instead of facing up to them.  This is symbolic to me because I was once in his shoes. I would run away from all of my problems and fears.  You know that it is wrong to do, but, you do it because you feel like it is the easiest way out of your problems.  You don’t know how to deal with your problems or fears, so you run away and once you runaway you feel like all of your problems and fears had gone away.  But, they don’t go away!  They stay with you and grow bigger and bigger!  I relate to this because I ran away from all of my problems and fears in my life. (i.e. I ran away from Turning Winds, because I was afraid to face my problems and fears.)  Running away was my only solution.  That has changed quite a bit now.  If I have a problem or a fear I talk about it and face the fact that it might seem hard now, but, in the end it is very rewarding not only to others but to yourself.

 

Five: When I am hungry and I need something to eat.  When I am thirsty and I need something to drink.  When I am tired I need a safe place to sleep.  When I need help, I need someone to help me, to love me, to care for me.  If I didn’t have any of these things I would eventually die.  You would go to bed starving, thirsting, cold, sick, hurt, wounded, knowing that you have no one to love.  This is symbolic to be thankful for what you already have.  I live in a huge house when there are others out there that have a cardboard box.  I have food, water, and shelter when others out in the world eat once a week, drink badly diseased water, and barely have a place to live in.  Most of them don’t have a mother or a father and I have both parents.  Seeing and hearing above makes me very thankful for all that I have.  It makes me feel very disappointed with myself, when I ask for more and more, and others have nothing.  So that is why being thankful for what I have, is symbolic to me for how much I already have. (The house, was what made me realize how thankful I really was for everything that I had).

 

Six:  When I was hiking and I saw garbage laying around the trail, it made me think about what and how I had effected the environment.  I was really mad and upset when I saw garbage every where.  This is symbolic because it makes you realize how we cut down the trees, we litter, we kill and hurt endangered animals, we burn plastics.  We pollute the environment.  We dump wastes.  We sometimes don’t recycle.  It makes me feel really bad inside because I had played a part in this as well.  This is symbolic because it shows how much we care about our future.  IT makes me to help out in our environment.  IT also shows what kind of a person we are.  It shows how shellfish, lazy, and ignorant people are in this world to do stupid things like this to hurt the environment.  It is also symbolic to me and what kind of job I want when I grow up.  I am going to be a biologist/botanist or a environmental scientist, so I can help and protect our environment, so that we can make it a better place to live in.  That shows how much I care about the environment.

 

Seven:  When we were hiking and I was getting tired and I wanted to stop.  I wanted to give up, but instead I keepd on going.  This is symbolic because it shows how much respect that we have for ourselves.  I wanted to give up, but, that wouldn’t be respecting myself.  I kept on moving, and saying that I can do it.  That shows how much respect you have for yourself.  It also reminds me that back at home I would have given up.  It also shows me how much effort I put into what I was doing.  How determined I was to keep on going.  Back at home, how I would give up which tells me that I don’t respect myself, and how little effort I I would do into what I was doing.  Now, I know I can do anything that I set my mind too.  I put forth my fullest effort and I am determined to do good on what I had needed or wanted to accomplish.  That right there shows the real and the true me, which is what I had been searching for.

 

[HEAL Note:  There is a lot of troubling information here.  Patrick is showing that he hates who he was before the program and that he only found his “true self” in the program.  This is indicative of a dissociative state and an abusive program.]

 

Eight:  My tent keeps me warm, safe, dry, protects me from the weather, and protects me from the animals. Without my tent I would be dead.  My tent symbolizes my Mother and my Father.  They both provide me with a roof above my head, a warm place to stay, a bed, my clothing, food to eat, water to drink, and with love.  I know that without my parents I would be a nobody, not born, dead.  I know that my parents love me very, very, very much.  I know that they care about me a lot.  I know that they would go out of their way, do whatever it takes to help me find me help, no matter what the cost is, money is not a concern to them when I need help.  I am thankful to have both my mother and my father that live with each other.

 

[HEAL Note:  It looks from the above entries that Patrick has had a setback and is being told he will be in the program longer than expected and will not be going home soon.  He is speaking for the program now in convincing his parents to keep paying for Turning Winds.  This is indicative of a cult-like atmosphere.  He is now selling the program and acting as a tool of the program.  This is indicative of an abusive program model that is only looking to defraud families and hold youth for as long as possible to squeeze every last penny out of the family. ]

 

Nine: My shoelaces help keep my feet warm and snug as a bug.  My shoelaces symbolize all of the trust that I had earned.  Without my shoelace, I wouldn’t have no trust, my feet would be cold, and I couldn’t do anything without being watched.  My shoelaces make me proud of how much of a accomplishment that I had made in my stay at Turning Winds.  I am proud of myself for all of the trust that I have.

 

[HEAL Note:  The red portion should be understood to be literally “anything” including going to the bathroom, showering, sleeping, etc.  This is used as a technique to humiliate and shame “newcomers” to the program.]

 

Ten: My camera represents all of the beautiful sights, scenes, places, I have been, people, etc.  All of my memories are in my camera.  Without my camera I wouldn’t have a story to tell people about.  My camera symbolizes my wonderful memory.  I remember the smallest and stupidest things.  If I didn’t have my camera, I have a awesome memory that I could use to tell people everything I wanted to tell them without my awesome memory I would be lost or sadder.  I love to remember all of the good and bad things.  My memory is a part of me and without it I would be almost a nobody.

 

Eleven: Whenever I see a river, it reminds me of life.  A river flows year round 24/7 and 365 days a year.  The river keeps animals alive, waters plants, and trees.  Once the river stops and dries up, everything that the river kepted alive is now hurt, dead, or gone.  A river symbolizes life to me.  Think about it this way.  One person has many of friends and family.  That one person helps his friends and family members.  Well one day that one person dies.  He effected/hurt his family and friends.  They now feel like sad, angry, wanting to die/kill themselves.  That is how a river symbolizes life.

 

Twelve:  When someone gives you positive feedback you tend to do better.  Positive feedback encourages you without positive feedback you feel like you are being something wrong, no one notices you, etc.  Positive feedback symbolizes growth to me.  When you climb up a hill and you want to give up, someone says “great job”, you have now have more faith and even more determined to finish that hill.  When I get positive feedback I grow, and grow, and grow.  So when I want to give up later on I won’t give up as easy as I did before because I grew and I have more faith in myself.  It is hard to explain, but, yeah, that is like the main picture that I am trying to get out  to you guys.

 

Thirteen:  Fire is warm, soothing, peaceful, and very relaxing.  Fire can be dangerous and can hurt you if you don’t know what you are doing.  Without fire you would be cold, aching, miserable.  Fire symbolizes a time in my life when I did Wicca (Wicca=witch craft).  There was North, South, East, and West, and the elements, Earth, Air, Fire, and Water.  Wicca made me not to believe in the true god.  I was fire.  It made me become someone who I wasn’t.  I had rebelled against god.  I have family who is Wicca.  It was a bad time in my life.  During this time everything had gone wrong.  I believed I created it and I was very powerful.  So, I continued to do it.  I don’t know what I want.  So whenever I see fire, Wicca pops into my head.  Right now, I feel as if there was a Huge Boulder on my hiking path for my religion.  I don’t know what I want.

 

Fourteen:  Stars and constellations play a role in my life.  I look up at stars and constellations to do stories.  I use the stars as a sense of direction.  Without the stars and constellations, I would lose a big part in my life.  Stars and constellations are symbolic to my grandpa, and his death.  He would tell me stories about them.  I look up to the stars to remember how great his wonderful stories were.  Without stars and constellations it would be hard to get over his loss (death).  They also symbolize a part in me as well.  My imagination comes from stars and constellations.  Without my imagination I would be blah!  I would be a grown up who doesn’t like to think, have fun, or anything!  I am glad that stars and constellations play a role in my life.

 

Fifteen:  When you have goals, you have a plan.  Without having goals your life would not go as you had planned.  Goals give me a sense of direction.  My dreams in my life can be achieved.  If you have goals to accomplish that dream, you are more likely to accomplish it then people who don’t have goals.  Goals are symbolic to success.  In order to succeed at things you need to set goals for yourself.  You succeed when you accomplish your goals.  I have daily goals, short term, and long term goals.  I am successful because I have goals to help me to complete those goals.  If I didn’t success in my life, I would be very sad and mad.  There is a reason for that, because I didn’t set goals.

 

[HEAL Note:  HEAL recommends readers compare the new “Assignment One” draft to the original above.]

 

Sixteen:  When you hold others accountable you are showing that you care about them and telling them that they aren’t doing the right thing.  If people didn’t hold me accountable, how am I supposed to learn to do what is wright?  I don’t.  Holding others accountable is symbolic to being a leader.  I am a leader because I hold others accountable for not doing the right thing.  I struggled with this a lot.  I thought that I was being rude or mean when I had held others accountable.  I had learned that being a leader doesn’t come over night.  You have to really put forth an effort to be a leader.  You have to do what is right.  If I wasn’t a leader, I would be a follower.  I am disappointed in myself that I was a follower.  But now I am my own leader and it feels great.  Without leaders in this world, wow imagine how the world would be.  EEK!!!

 

Seventeen:  Lying is a really, really, really bad habit to get into.  When I lie, it would be like they don’t know that I am lying.  Funny thing is they do know.  When I lied at home, I didn’t give a care.  Now, when I lie, I am disappointed in myself.  That I lied when if I was to tell the truth I wouldn’t be in any trouble.  I am hurt when people lie and I am really hurt when I lie to others and to myself.  Lying is symbolic to a rock. I have integrity.  But, earlier lying was a bad habit for me.  I didn’t like to do it, but, I did it anyway.  Having integrity is a really good thing to have.  Lying was a HUGE rock in my way.  Whenever I had tried to tell the truth I would be told “How do we know that you are lying again?”  I tried telling the truth, but, since I had lied so much I had a reputation for lying.  So even when I tried to tell the truth, there would be that HUGE rock in my way of the path which I would always trip over when I had tried telling the truth.  Sooner down in time I had tripped over that rock so much that it broke down into little tiny pieces (people gained my trust again).  Now I think three times before I want to lie again.  I didn’t like my reputation for me being a liar, but, you have to put a ton of time, effort, and a lot of determination to overcome your reputation as being a big fat old liar.

 

Eighteen:  When I manipulated people I wanted to get my way.  I would do it on purpose sometimes and other times I would do it on an accident.  When I manipulated I would look at myself as being immature and selfish.  I didn’t have a major struggle with manipulation.  I dislike myself when I manipulate others.  When they find out that I had manipulated them I feel sorry for them because they had trusted me, that I wasn’t going to play them as if they had been a playing card.  Manipulation is symbolic to me as being shellfish/greedy.  I feel greedy and shellfish because I already have what I need and I want more.  I don’t like it when I am greedy and shellfish.  That is not the real Patrick Eugene Liberg that I know.  Being greedy and shellfish not only hurts yourself, but it hurts others that they thought that they can trust you.

 

[HEAL Note:  Here we have Patrick distinguishing from his “old/fake” self to his “new/real” self.  This is unhealthy.  Patrick has been treated like a broken machine and not a complex being with experiences, thoughts, and feelings that deserve respect and comfort.  This is indicative of a coercive thought reform model.]

 

Nineteen:  When I make fun of others, I feel that it makes me look better, have more attention, and makes me feel emotionally happier.  I do it to play around with that person, to have fun, but, once in a while I will do it to feel better, have more attention, and to look better.  I feel that making fun of others is wrong.  I really don’t do it at all.  On a rare occasion I will do it, but, I will regret it later on.  I know how it is to be made fun of.  This is symbolic to having fun or passing the time by.  I would joke around with other people.  I would make fun of others and I would even make fun of myself.  I didn’t do it to hurt that other person’s feelings.  I also believe that since I have such a funny sense of humor, I often tend to take things way too far.

 

Twenty:  When you are soar and your body won’t stop aching, you are tired, and cranky because you worked hard.  Working hard is good to do because you improve your health and strength.  This is symbolic to pushing yourself.  I can relate to this because when I pushed myself leading the group hiking yesterday.  I pushed myself when I had gone up Suicide Hill.  When I push myself it isn’t always fun.  If you don’t push yourself, how will you know you’ll limit?  After I pushed myself I look back at what I had accomplished and you feel really good about yourself deep down inside.

 

“Assignment Two”

 

[Staff written directions for assignment]  Analyze each of your goals individually.  How did the goal work overall?  Analyze each tactic individually.  How well did they work?  How well did you do in following through?  Brainstorm.  Now, realize that might make more effective tactics.  Elaborate.  Were your tactics SMART?  [SMART was in caps, it is likely an acronym.]

 

“Goal One”

 

Goal: To write down on a piece of paper what are good qualities of a friend.  Do I have a good friend?

 

Tactic A:  Write down my good friends and my bad friends and why?

 

Tactic B:  Ask myself, what are good qualities of a friend?

 

How did the goal work overall?

 

Well, the goal has been working really well so far.  I am learning what are good qualities of a friend.  Right now I am working on which one of my friends are good and which are bad friends.  It is really hard right now but, I hope that buy the time I go back to Turning Winds I will know who are my real friends.  Tactic A which is to write down my good friends and bad friends and why.  I am writing a list of all of my friends.  Then I cross out which ones were bad for me by using my list of what is a good friend qualities.  Tactic A is doing really good for me.  Tactic B which is to ask myself, what are good qualities of a friend.  There are so many qualities of a good friend, but, I have a good list of qualities of what a good friend has.  I have been doing really well on both tactics A and B.  It has all been working out as I had planned.  Well I have brainstormed a few new tactics that go a long with “SMART”.  Once of them would be to write down how one of my good friends and how one of my bad friends have helped me.  That way I can see and compare them so I know which is which.  Another tactic that I came up with was to write down my qualities of a good friend to see if I have good qualities of a friend.  Yes both of my tactics were “SMART”.

 

“Goal Two”

 

Goal:  Keep myself self-motivated.

 

Tactic A:  Think on the positive side of things daily.

 

Tactic B:  Keep my mind off of hiking, give myself positive feedback, encouragement, thin about how good I will feel once I had accomplished my goal.

 

My second goal had worked out very great!  I feel that I had successfully completed this goal.  First off tactic A, which was to think on the positive side of things on a daily basis.  This tactic, I would have to believe was a little bit too easy for me.  Tactic B, which had been to keep my mind off of hiking, give myself positive feedback, and to think about how I will feel when I had successfully accomplished my goal.  Tactic B was much harder for me to do.  I had more of a struggle with tactic B than with tactic A.  I think that I had done a excellent job with following through with my tactics.  I have a few ideas for tactics which I had brainstormed.  First one would be to motivate myself by saying if I do this, this makes me one more step closer to me being able to see my family.  My next one would to sing my favorite song that motivates me.  I am going to have to say that my new tactics are “SMART”!

 

“Goal Three”

 

To put other people’s needs before my own personal needs. 

 

Tactic A:  To help one another. (tents, water, etc.)  Don’t be a user and have everyone help you and then you don’t give them help back.

 

Tactic B:  Ask myself, are my needs more important or are their needs more important?

 

My third goal, I did a fantastic job on.  Tactic A, which would be to help one another, (tents, watr, etc.).  Don’t be a user and have everyone help you and then you don’t give them help back.  Tactic A, was a very good tactic.  I had helped everyone out.  If I wanted my water bottle, and they wanted theirs, I would get out their water bottle first and then have them get mine out for me.  Tactic B, which was to ask myself are my needs more important, or are their needs more important?  I did this each and every day.  I will also have to agree that this was a great tactic.  I did my best job to follow through with every single tactic that I had.  I would have to say that an overall rating on how I did with my tactics would be an excellent!  I have a few ideas for some new tactics for goal three.  First off, would be to ask others if they need any help at all.  Next would be to help out everyone, not just one person.  I am going to have to say that all of my tactics had been and had followed the guidelines for “SMART”.

 

“Assignment Three”

 

[Staff Direction] Establish 15 short-term and 15 long-term goals.  Create a plan of attack for each and explain how it will benefit your life.

 

“Short Term Goals”

 

  1. To graduate from Turning Winds.  I am going to do this by not getting in to trouble.  I will continue to do well at Turning Winds, when I return from Course.  This will benefit me in my life because, I know that I had completed Turning Winds instead of going to a boot camp.  I will be able to look back at what I ha learned and use it to help me in the future.
  2. To stop biting my fingernails.  I am going to do this by not looking at my nails wanting to bite them.  I will cut them with a fingernail clipper so that I don’t have to worry about me biting on them.  This will help me later on in my life because it will help me to improve my social eddicate, and people won’t have to worry about me touching their food, because I wouldn’t do it anymore.  It also helps me because, I won’t have to worry about my teeth.
  3. To raise my algebra grade up from a C- to a B.  I am going to raise my algebra grade up by putting forth my fullest effort.  I am going to go over and over a section that I don’t understand until I understand it well.  I am going to work on my algebra each and every single day to make sure that I get a lot of practice in.  I am also going to ask for help and advice.  If I don’t understand a part.  This will help me later on in life because it teaches me studying skills that I can use when I get to college.  It also will help me later on in my life because I will know the material well.
  4. To work on being more independent.  I am going to do this by doing things more on my own.  I will also not ask questions that I can figure out on my own.  This will help me later on in my life because I won’t have to depend on other people.  This will also help me to have fun by myself and that I don’t need another person so that I can have fun.
  5. To improve my relationship with my brother Nick.  I am going to do this by not to make fun of him.  I am also going to write a letter to him each week so that way we can improve our relationship together.  This will help me later in my life because I will have a relationship with him.  I will also be able to talk with him, brother to brother, and I won’t have to be afraid around him.
  6. To be able to choose who is a good friend.  I am going to do this by going over the good friend qualities and see if they are good friends.  Look at their past problems, how did they solve them, do they smoke, do they drink, do they use me, or abuse me.  This will help me in my life because I won’t have to worry about is my friend going to bring me down with them or not.  This will also help me so that I don’t fall back into my old bad habits.
  7. To continue to be a leader through good examples.  I will do this by not breaking the rules, by not lying, stealing, getting into trouble, etc.  I will hold others accountable for what they are doing wrong.  This will help me in my later life because I will be a leader.  People will look up to me as their role model.  I will stand out from the crowd because I am a leader and I do what is right.
  8. To continue to hold others accountable.  I will do this by telling that person what they are doing wrong and why it is wrong.  I will help that person out by showing them how to do it right.  This will help me out later on in my life because I will be able to help out other people and it will help improve my leadership skills!  I will be able to point out what is wrong, instead of holding back from hold that person accountable.
  9. To gain back my parents trust in me.  I will do this by showing them that I won’t steal from them or lie to them.  I will continue to do well at Turning Winds, so they believe me.  This will help me in my life later on down the road, because if some money was taken, they’d know that it isn’t me.  It will also improve our relationship together, that way they can trust me that I won’t screw up.
  10.  To determine my sexuality.  I will do this by doing some more research on being homosexual.  I will ask my counselors and talk to them about it and how I feel about being this way.  This will help me in my life because I will be able to feel comfortable with my sexuality.  It also takes off a load off of my back.
  11.  Strive to get As and Bs in school.  I will do this by going over and over the material until I can finally understand it.  I will ask for help and I will put forth all of my time and effort to achieve this goal.  This will help me later in my life because I will know these valuable learning skills.  It will also look good when I return back to my high school and I am on the honor roll because it is in with my school transcripts.
  12. To be able to go home and visit.  I will do this by graduating from Turning Winds, by not getting in trouble, by continuing to gain staff’s trust, to do well in school, and to have a good visit when I see my parents.  This will help me later on in my life to appreciate my family more. It will also improve the staff’s and my family’s and my trust.
  13. To show and prove to my mom that I’m sorry for pushing her.  I will do this by apologizing to her every time I write a letter to her.  I will also do this by when I have our visit, that I say to her that I am terribly sorry for what I had done to her.  This will help me later on in my life because it teaches me a lesson.  It also makes me work for someone’s forgiveness.  Which will totally help me in the long run.
  14. To improve my relationship with JB [John Baisden—Turning Winds Owner] and Kara [Turning Winds Staff].  I will do this by talking to them on a daily basis.  I will also open up to them more, by talking to them about what is on my mind or what is bothering me.  This will help me in my life because when I leave Turning Winds I will be able to talk to them whenever I need help.  This will also help me to open up to other people as well.
  15. To improve my social eddicate.  I will do this by brushing my teeth, flossing, using deodorant, taking a shower, clean my nails, etc.  This will help me in my life because I don’t smell.  It also teaches me good hygiene habit which I will need later on in my life.

 

“Long Term Goals”

 

  1. To finish high school.  I am going to go to high school and try my best job.  I am going to get good grades.  I am going to study really hard and put forth all of my effort.  This will benefit me because I will have my high school diploma and I will be able to use that to get a better job.
  2. Go to Eastern Illinois University (EIU).  I am going to go to EIU for school.  I am going to get my business degree.  I am going to save up my money to help pay for it.  I am going to study really hard.  I am going to get a job so that way I can afford it.  This will benefit me in my life because I will have my business degree and I will be able to open a successful business because of my degree from EIU.
  3. Get a car.  I am going to get a job so that way I can pay for it.  I am going to save up money for times that I need it.  I am going to work hard at my job so that way I can get a raise to help me out even more!  This will benefit me in the future because I will have a way to get around to places that I need to go to.  This also teaches me responsibility and how to work towards what I want.  It teaches me good money saving up skills/strategies.
  4. Get a good paying job.  I am going to do this by finishing high school.  I am going to work hard at my job so that I can get a raise.  I am going to be responsible and have a lot of effort into my job.  This is going to benefit me because I will know the real meaning of a dollar. (work, work, and work).  This will also start me to save up for a car and then college.  It will also improve my work ethic even more than it is! (Wow, imagine that)
  5. Have my own apartment or house.  I will do this by hard work, money, and determination.  I will have to have a good job.  This will help me benefit me in my life because it teaches me how to be a handy man, responsibility, that money doesn’t grow on trees, hard work and a lot of determination and effort.
  6. Have my own retail business in Galena, IL and in Chicago’s Loop.  I will have to go to college, I will also have to find a way to get the money-so a job and a loan.  I will need to be able to pay my rent.  This will benefit me because it teaches me the value of money (how fast you can spend it)!  Responsibility is a major as well.
  7. To get married.  I will need to be clean, no drugs, etc.  I will have to help out around the house.  I will have to be able to even like the person.  I have to make that strong commitment.  This will benefit me because I will be married, possibly have my own family.  I will not only have to support myself but I will have to help out with supporting another person.  I also won’t be alone.
  8. To own a dog.  I will have to be able to show responsibility.  I will need to be able to support it.  I will need to take it to a vet.  I am going to have to clean up for it’s mess and pay for the damage it caused.  This will benefit me because if I was going to have a child, this would be learning the same valuable parenting skills.
  9. To go and visit France.  I will need to go to high school and take a French class.  I am going to save up money to pay for my plane ticket their and back.  I will also need to save up for some spending money.  This will benefit me in my life because I will know how to speak in French.  This will also benefit me because I want to be a exchanged student to France.
  10. Be a exchanged student from USA to France.  I will have to attend high school.  I am going to have to take a French class so that I can learn the language.  This is going to benefit me because not only that I will know English, I will know French, English, and ASL!
  11. To become a famous business man.  I will have to go to college, open up my own business, expand my business.  I will have to work very, very, very hard to do this.  In the long run it will benefit me in many ways!  I will be a famous business man, I will be very rich, I will be a role model to my children.
  12.  I want to travel around the world.  I will have to save up money so that I can travel.  I will need to have a job.  This will benefit me because I would have traveled places all around the world that nobody had ever been to or seen.  I will go to places that no one has ever been before!
  13. To be in my friend’s band.  I will have to write songs and music.  I will have to put forth a lot of effort into what I am doing.  I will have to practice each and every day.  This will benefit me because I will learn how to be a better singer.  I will be in a band, and I will know how to plan an instrument.
  14. To decide my religion.  I will have to ask around, see what other people’s religion is.  I will have to be willing to make that commitment.  I will have to study into what I want to be.  This will benefit me because I will know my religion.  I will also know that I am happy with my religion.
  15. To be in a movie.  I will have to go and try out for parts in a movie.  I will have to go to take some acting classes so that I can have some experience.  I will have to practice a lot to memorize my lines in the movie.  I will also have to put myself out their for people to notice me.  I will benefit from this because I would be in a movie.  I would be a official actor.  I will know how to act as well.
  16.  To find a cure for HIV/AIDS.  I will do this by working extremely hard.  I will have to do a lot of research as well.  I will need to come up with money to pay for it.  This will benefit me because I know that I had saved millions of people’s lives.
  17. To find a way to make people stop smoking.  I will have to show people how bad that it is for you.  Raise the costs of cigarettes, so that people will think before you buy.  This will benefit me, because I will help a large amount of people out and I would be helping them to save their life.

 

December 14th, 2003

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 7.  Ahhh~ I was so extremely bored today.  Whenever Carl or Shannon came over and visited me I felt like I was talking their heads off.  I had been writing so much today, it is crazy!  Tomorrow I will have to work on more writing assignments.  I get to do what I want when I want.  It just feels so weird, if you know what I mean.  Last night, I was up a lot because of how bad the rain was.  Three more days left!  Well after tonight it will be 2 ½ days and 2 nights until we go home.  I can’t wait until this is done and over with.  Today I had a good meal.  I was sneezing a lot today!  I think that I have the cold.  Runny nose, sneezing, coughing!  I got the cold.  Which totally sucks.  It is cold outside today.  We got more rain.  I hope and I am going to pray that we get some warmer days and please no more rain.  Well not that much is going on.  I worked on mostly all of my goals that I could work on, so I am getting really tired of writing so I am going to get going now!  Love always & forever, Patrick  Smile…

 

“Assignment Four”

 

Before

 

Patrick Eugene Liberg

Born: September 10th, 1989

Died: January 23rd, 2018

 

[This entry was X’d out.  But, HEAL has managed to salvage what was written.  Is it healthy for a suicidal teenager to write his/her own obituary?]

 

Patrick had started out living a good life, but that had all changed around his teenager years.  He had a good life potential planned ahead of him.  He wanted more than to succeed in his life.  Patrick had started off as a good kid, now he is gone.  He was a good teenager, but had made some bad decisions in his time.  He started off smoking cigarettes, then he had moved on to pot.  Patrick died of overdosing on aspirin.  Patrick was a good student in school.  He had hallways had wanted to own his own retail business.  He was a great people person, which would help him a lot in his future.  Patrick had never gotten around to be able to open up his retail business.  He wanted to because a famous successful business man.  He wanted to go to college and attend at Eastern Illinois University.  But, he had only been there for his third year.

 

“Assignment Four”

 

Before (Turning Winds)

 

Patrick Eugene Liberg was born on September 10th, 1989.  He died on January 13th, 2013 from suicide [HEAL note: Patrick initially wrote something else besides suicide and scratched it out.  The scratched out item is illegible.]  Patrick lived with both of his parents—Tom and Debbie.  Patrick lived in and was grown up in West Chicago, Illinois.  As a child Patrick had been diagnosed with ADHD.  He has four other brothers and one sister.  Nick, Mike, Stephen, and Matt and then there was his sister Kim.  Patrick loved his sister so much.  Patrick had felt the closest to his sister Kim.  You can say that Patrick is a momma’s boy.  Patrick was made fun of a lot in his childhood years, as being a kid.  Patrick had always loved animals.  He has his best friend which is a animal.  It was his parrot, Sargeant.  Patrick was a good student.  He loved to stay after school and to help his teachers for hours!  He was a major teacher’s pet.  Patrick had loved his school very much!  Patrick had gone to church every Sunday as a boy, until his teenager years had rolled around.  Patrick had been confused with his sexuality as a boy.  He felt like that he didn’t want to be a boy.  He had always had wanted to be a girl.  He would play dress up, and he would dress up as a girl.  It was quite very funny thing to see.  Patrick had a very close relationship with a few people.  First off would be his sister Kim.  He would do anything to be like her.  He would start to act like her and do the same things that she would do.  He wouldn’t be himself.  That is what had been a start of trouble in his later teenager years.  He had noticed a major drastic change in his sister.  She wouldn’t hand out with him.  She started to disobey the rules, she would smoke cigarettes, do drugs, do bad in school.  This is where all hell had broken loose.  His other person that he was close with would be his Aunt Tess, which would be his godmother.  He was either with his sister or he would be with his godmother Aunt Tess.  He loved her so much!  When she would leave his house, he would run down the street in his diaper yelling “Tess, come back Tess!!”  He would normally be with his Aunt Tess.  Later in the years, she had “a lot” of problems.  He didn’t like who she had become.  He was afraid and feared her.  He had been brainwashed into believing that she was his mother and father.  He shortly rebelled against them.  He was brainwashed.  If he didn’t get what he had wanted, he would spice things up a bit!  He would go and call his Aunt Tess and tell her that his parents would not get him something.  He would also make up things and make it worse so that my parents would get yelled at by his Aunt.  That was called his “revenge game.”  Later on, through out Patrick’s teenage years he had a drasticly amount of change.  His grades had started to go down in the 2nd quarter of the sixth grade.  He was awarded a gold metal, for having the best DARE, (Drug, Abuse, Resistance, Education) essay on how he would be drug free.  Patrick was raised on a farm.  He had so many different kinds of animals.  He showed his animals at the DuPage County Fair Grounds every year since he was five.  He had won so many awards.  He won the watermelon eating contest 6 years in a row.  He was in the newspaper 5 times, one was for a ad that ran in the paper for 1 ½ months!  He was also in Boy Scouts of America.  He had gone to many different kinds of places.  He was a first class Boy Scout.  Patrick was a people person.  He loved working in his Aunt and Uncle’s businesses.  Patrick’s mother and father told him that he had “so” much potential in his life.  It is really sad that he had to throw it all away.  When Patrick was thirteen (13) years old, he had attempted to commit suicide by overdosing on 60 aspirin.  Once this had happened, Patrick had just crashed and died. (not really, you’ll see what I mean in a minute!)! He was put in Lynden Oaks Mental Institute.  His doctor, Dr. Kumar, had diagnosed him with Bipolar III, major depression, and that he was a little mentally insane.  He stayed their for one week and had been released.  Four days later his doctor put him into get Physco testing.  He was in their for another 1 ½ weeks.  His parents believe that place had not helped him one bit at all!!!  All that they did was to put him on a different kinds of medicine.  Patrick had started smoking marijawanna that summer.  He started to drink alchoal.  He started to become a liar.  He started to steal not only from his family, but, from himself.  He started to announce to the entire school, community, neighborhood, family, friends, etc., that he was gay.  He was made fun of by some of the guys at school, but, he didn’t give a care whatsoever.  He started to be sexually active.  He wouldn’t do as he was told.  He believed that he had to depend on others to be happy.  He thought that is what love was.  He rebelled against his family.  He started to do Wicca, like some of his family members believe in.  He started not wanting to go to school anymore.  He would run out of his counseling sessions between him and his Mom and his counselor.  He didn’t accept any help whatsoever.  He wouldn’t come on time.  He would sneak out of his house at night.  He would normally always be with is friends.  He would sleep for four days in a row without eating.  He would be on the internet all of the time, chatting with friends, and trying to be able to meet up with a guy that he didn’t know.  He would go wherever he had wanted to go to.  He had lost interest in everything he had enjoyed to do.  He didn’t have a care in his mind for anybody or anything, just himself.  He wanted to get a job, but, he had dropped out of high school.  He got his GED, and had attempted to attend EIU (Easter Illinois University).  He was in the college that he wanted to be in, but he didn’t make a job or money.  His parents had attempted to try and help him but, he rebelled against them.  He was kicked out of EIU (Eastern Illinois University), because of his poor grades and of his crappy effort to try and to get help.  He had lost all of his friends.  He felt like no one had loved him, and he felt like there was not a place on earth for him.  So, he had decided that his time had come, and that god had wanted him.  So, he wrote letters to his family and friends telling them that he was sorry and that it is time for him to go.  So, he committed suicide.  He OD’d on his last day of college to get all of his stuff out cause he was kicked out of EIU.  Patrick had started out living a wonderful life.  He could have made something out of himself, but he had decided to throw it all away and call it quits.  So, here lies Patrick Eugene Liberg, dead as a bone, you can hear all of the people moan and groan.  Rest in Peace Patrick, Rest in Peace, one of your good and loyal friends, Kim.

 

“Assignment Four”

 

After (Turning Winds)

 

Patrick Eugene Liberg was born on September 10th, 1989.  He died in April 16th, 2066, at the age of 77 years old.  Patrick grew up and had been raised in the town of West Chicago.  Patrick had 4 brothers, and one sister.  Nick, Mike, Stephen, and Matt where the brothers and Kim was Patrick’s sister.  Patrick had lived with both of his parents, Thomas Patrick, and Deborah Ann.  As a child, Patrick had been a very unique child to Tom and Debbie.  Instead of playing GI Joes, Patrick had preferred to play Barbies or Mommie & Dad, and even lets dress up!  Patrick’s favorite game was Skip-Bo.  Patrick had loved animals, ever since he had been born.  He grew up on a farm, that had a variety of animals.  Patrick had always loved to stay after school and help out the teachers.  You can call him the teacher’s pet.  Patrick is very close to two specific people.  The first one would be his sister Kim.  She had been his role model.  He tried to be like her and act like her wherever she had went he wanted to go along with her.  Patrick had always had thought that it had been so much fun!  The next person that he had been really close to, was his Aunt Tess, which is his godmother.  Him and her, were always together.  There is not much else to it I guess.  Patrick had been a very good student.  He would always be ready and motivated for whatever they were going to be doing.  He put all of his time and effort into his work.  He had been involved in so many different groups, clubs, etc.!  He was in 4-H.  He showed his animals at the DuPage County Fair Grounds, ever since he was five years old!  He won the watermelon eating contest six (6) years in a row!  He was in Boy Scouts of America.  He had gotten to his Eagle rank.  Patrick’s favorite candy was airheads!  He loved cheese raviolis and cheese sticks!  He loved to go to school.  He loved to go bowling and to play tennis.  When Patrick had turned thirteen (13) years old, things had started to change dramicly!  Patrick’s grades in the sixth grade had gone down.  He started to smoke cigarettes and smoke pot.  This had been a dark age for Patrick.  He had lost interest from his hobbies, family, friends, etc.!  He had started to lie, steal, manipulate others.  Patrick’s parents had said “we need to put an end to all of this”!  So, Patrick was sent to a boarding school for troubled teenagers!  There he had regained his ability to think, to get his life back on track again.  He learned very valuable life skills lessons that he wouldn’t have learned anywhere else.  Once Patrick had officially completed Turning Winds, he returned back to his home again.  He was a brand new person.  He didn’t smoke, do drugs, he got good grades in school, and much more!  Patrick had completed the West Chicago Community High School.  He had gotten a job at Jewel-Osco, which is where his mom and sister both work at.  He saved up enough money to buy a brand spanking new car!  He saved up enough money so, that he would be able to attend the college/university of his dreams, which would be Eastern Illinois University! (EIU).  There he had gotten his business degree.  He had wanted to own his own retail business and building.  His aunt and uncle gave him Fig Leaf intimates, Churchill & Burns and Pour Le Cour Bete.  He had decided to keep all of those stores in Galena, IL.  But, he opened up 3 more of the same stores but he had 3 in Galena, IL and he had 3 in Chicago, on Michigan Avenue.  By him doing this, he became a very famous business man, which was one of his long term goals.  He got married and lived in a mansion.  He owned Nordstrom.  He had 2 daughters, and two sons.  These daughters were Sasha Brenn, and Rylinn Marta.  The sons were John Brady, and Errin Bradey.  Errin had died at age of sixteen years old (16).  He had died in a automobile accident.  All of his children, were so very wonderful awesome bunch of kids ever.  Patrick has donated money so that they can do research on how to cure HIV/AIDS, Diabetes, and Cancer.  His daughter Rylinn had done research and had found the cure on how to cure HIV/AIDS, Diabetes, and cancer.  Patrick loved his career every single bit of it!  He loved to say when he was going to do something “you only live once”.  He also loved to say “pain is beauty”.  Patrick has had some up and down times in his life.  Patrick is a very warm, nice, gentle, loving, kind, generous person.  He would go out of his way to help another human being or animal that needed help.  I loved to help out a lot.  He put other people’s needs before his own personal needs.  He was always in a positive attitude.  He didn’t like to see people that are sad.  He was a very, very, very loving person.  He donated as much as he can to help out others in need.  He donated to orphanages all around the world.  He was not a shellfish person whatsoever.  He donated money to schools, so that children can have a better education.  He is a proud owner of 16 stores.  He owns Eastern Illinois University, which is his dream college/university.  He invested in making our homes, families, streets, and communities to make them safe enough so that we know our children are safe.  He owns his own farm which is where abused, neglected animals go so that they can live a better life.  Over all of the years, that he has been helping out, donating his time, money, effort, and support, he has given 8.6 million dollars away for research for HIV/AIDS, Diabetes, and cancer.  Patrick Eugene Liberg had also won the Nobel Peace Prize award for doing such a terrific job in our lives, community, schools, etc.!  Patrick has lived a long and a generous life.  He has done that barely no man has ever done before, and that is to help out wherever help is needed.  He didn’t care about the price, money is never a issue!  He cared about him making a difference in the nation.  That was one of his long term goals.  I think personally, that he did successfully complete that goal a very, very, very, long time ago.  So, I am going to have to say “congratulations!”  He isn’t here on earth with us now, but, he is looking down on us write now saying “Thank You”!  Now, enough with this long boring speech!  Would somebody like to lead us in Amazing Grace?

 

“Assignment Five”

 

 

“Issues”

 

 

“Depression”

 

Dear Depression,


I am sorry, but I am happy without you.  Why be sad when you can be happy?  Tell me that and then I may reconsider.  I got rid of you for good.  I got rid of you because all you made me do was to be sad.  That is it.  I got rid of you by looking on the positive side of things, not the negative side.  I don’t need you anymore because I am a better person.  I am happy!  I don’t need to dread on you, so you are gone!  By me getting rid of you, I won’t have to worry about me getting depressed.  I have learned extra ways how to stay happy without you.  I also won’t dread on it anymore.  Sorry, but see you later!  Patrick

 

“Smoking Cigarettes”

 

Dear Marlboro Milds,

 

I am very sorry, but you are no longer a part of me!  I am getting rid of you because you didn’t help me one bit!  All that you did was make my lungs go blah!  You gave me the nicitoen that I would crave, but that was it!  I got rid of you for good!  How, you may ask, well I am not smoking you anymore!  I won’t buy, sell, or smoke you anymore!  I don’t need to hold on to this issue and dread on it.  So, I am forgiving myself and letting you go!  No, I don’t need you anymore!  By me getting rid of you, I won’t have to spend my money or steal people’s money to buy you.  I like waking up in the morning and not having to say to myself, how am I going to get a cigarette.  By me getting rid of you, I can move on with my life.  You have done your damage to me, now it is my turn to seek revenge!  That would be me telling you to go where the sun don’t shine.  I am sorry, if I made you cry, but, tough but this is my life and I am going to choose to make it right!  Love always and forever, Patrick.

 

“Seeking Attention”

 

Dear Seek Attention,

 

How are you?  Well I am really better than you, because I don’t need full on attention like you.  Do you want to know why?  Because I finally had got ridden of you!  I work on not being the center of attention!  It is such a relief not being watched 24/7, because some nut likes it.  Well that is not me anymore!  It is hard for me to believe but it is very true.  Just listen to others for once, it is very cool to finally hear others get a chance to speak.  By me getting rid of you, I feel so great.  I also don’t need you, because, I have myself to talk to even though it might seem strange, by me getting rid of you, shows, how much of a change that I have made.  People finally like to be around me and for that I feel great.  Well now is the time to say goodbye, make sure you don’t let the gate hit you on the butt!  Love always and forever, Patrick… Smile…

 

“Lying”

 

Dear Liar Liar,

 

Are your pants on fire?  Is your nose as long as a telephone wire?  Well mine aren’t and that isn’t a lie.  I finally got rid of you!  I had stopped lying!  It is awesome that I don’t have that bad reputation anymore!  I had decided that it is way easier to step up to the plate than to be a liar.  I don’t need you anymore!  I don’t lie, so, why should I hold onto you?  You are useless to me.  I don’t like being known as a liar.  By me being able to get rid of you takes so much faith.  I don’t have a liar reputation anymore.  By me being able to get rid of you, makes me much more stronger!  Hey before I go, do yourself a favor, trim your nose, and put your pants out!  Love always and forever, Patrick  Smile…

 

“Sexually Active”

 

Dear Sextivity,

 

Hey old buddy-o-pal.  Did you here the outstanding news?  YOU ARE OUT.  You are out of my life!  This should have not been a issue in the first place!  I am way too young to be doing those kinds of things!  Do you know what I mean Jelly bean!  I shouldn’t be doing these kinds of things in the first place!  I got rid of you by me learning how to control myself!  Something wasn’t wright.  I found it, and I fixed it.  I don’t need you anymore, because I don’t need to be doing those kind of things!  I don’t want that in me anymore, so I can dread on it.  By me letting go of this issue it will help me not to make the same mistake over again.  I am proud of myself because I had made that commitment to change.  And, by me letting go of you will help me to change even more!  So, I will not miss you!  Love always & forever, Patrick smile…

 

“Depend on Others”

 

Dear Mr. Dependent,

 

I am independent!  I don’t need to depend on other people to be loved!  That even isn’t love.  I am writing to you to tell you that you are out of my life!  I don’t want to depend on others.  That is why you are gone!  I am able to do things on my own while having fun by myself.  I learned that you can be happy when you are by yourself!  I got rid of you by making the decision to get rid of you!  I made the wright choice.  I do not want you anymore because I am sick and tired of having to depend on others!  I want to depend on myself!  By getting rid of you, shows me that I have made a dramatic change in myself!  And, for me being able to do that “makes me happy!  See you Mr. Dependent!  Love always & forever, Patrick  Smile…

 

“Bad Friends”

 

Hey you no good friends,

 

What’s up dog?  Well FYI, you are all gone and out of my life.  Why, well because you had created more damage to me than there is of good, that’s why!  I know that this issue is gone, because I have learned how to choose my friends wisely.  I use the good friend qualities.  I am sick and tired of having to hang out with the same low bums each and every single day.  By me saying see ya to you makes me think how much courage that had taken me to say that!  So, see ya old hillbillys!  Love always & forever, Patrick…  Smile…

 

“Stealing”

 

Dear Stealing,

 

Just dropping a line to tell you that you no longer exist to me, why?  Well that was my past when I did that.  I am working towards a future!  I don’t want that future to be jail.  I know that I want you  gone because, I stopped stealing.  By me getting rid of you, I will be able to move on with my life!  I feel so relieved now that you are gone and out of my life!  Love always and forever, Patrick  Smile…

 

“Course Day Five”

 

December 15th, 2003

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

[HEAL Note:  This is a lot of writing for anyone to be doing while also hiking miles each day.  It is excessive and indicative of an abusive behavior modification model.]

 

Today my day was a 8!  The weather was much better today.  Thank you, God!  Tomorrow will be my last night sleeping in a tent!  Thank God.  1 and 1/2  days left until Course is over with.  I can’t wait.  My hand is hurting so much from writing.  So I am going to keep this journal entry short and sweet.  Well, that is about it!  Love always & forever, Patrick smile…

 

December 22nd, 2003

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Today my day would be a 8.  I got a letter from my brother Nick.  It was a great letter.  I was forgiven by my Mom for me pushing her.  Thank god.  Sorry I haven’t written in you in a while, but, a lot has been going on.  Christmas is very soon.  I wonder when I will see my parents!  I hope soon.  Well my guess would be about one (1) week or less after Christmas.  That is my prediction.  Well I am going!  I was really frustrated when I had opened up the van door and someone had said, “Oh no, it’s the faggot.”  I said, “Ok, mm no.”  I shut the door. It makes me mad that I didn’t express my feeling to him there and then.  Well, I will!.  Love always & Forever, Patrick.

 

“Rabbit Names”

 

“Just~ You Know”

 

Well I was thinking of how I had a great life until I screwed it all up by doing drugs, etc.  I had what no one in the world barely has.  I had leadership skills.  I am in Boy Scouts, 4-H, I train dogs.  I show animals at the DuPage County Fair!  I want to be strong in my religion.  I want to succeed in life!  And, for me to do that is outstanding.  I love my family.

 

“Addresses”

 

[section omitted out of respect for the survivors listed here.  If you know Patrick and want to contact him, visit www.heal-online.org/illinois.htm]

 

“Inventory List”

 

[HEAL Note:  There is a break between entries.  The next entry begins on January 2nd, 2004.  We believe that the program may have confiscated the missing portions.]

 

January 2nd, 2004

 

Wow!  I had such a fun time with my parents.  I am so happy that I graduated.  My family, friends, Turning Winds staff, residents, and myself are extremely proud of me for the accomplishment that I had made.  There is a lot of problems going around right now!  And, I will tell you this much~I am “so” glad that I am not involved in this big situation.  The staff is totally cracking down on everyone!  Today, they had taken a lot of items.  They will get them.  When they graduate Molly had gotten her graduate privileges taken away.  So Molly is no longer a graduate, and she has to go on Course again and regraduate.  That must stink…  Eric was fired cause he was doing very terrible things.  I am not going to get into it.  I am struggling with who I want my friends to be when I go home.  Like I was thinking about all of the good and bad times that we had together, and it makes it a lot harder to decide.  Danielle told me that Jim still wants to go out with me, and that he misses and loves me.  I want to go out with him again, but that wouldn’t help me at all.  So, not at this time in my life.  All that I need is another boyfriend. (it’s sort-of-a-sarcastic remark).  I love myself… I was also had been thinking about Brooke.  I LOVE her so much, that it is like never seeing life again.  But, I do see life each and every single day.  So why do I say that?  Well, it is hard for me to put into words. But, I strive to figure out if she is good for me or not.  Why must this be so hard for me?  She would be such a great person (she is), but her actions is what prevents her from progressing into that.  She is a great friend, but like I said, “her actions make it harder for her to be a better friend.”  But, that is her decision and choice and it is only up to her.  If she wants to change.  If she doesn’t want to change, then so be it, and that is really sad, because she could have had a wonderful friend, but she decided to flush her opportunity out of the door!!!  Mood:  Calm, relaxed, peaceful

 

January 6th, 2004

 

Well, today was a little bit on the weird side!  We had to go down to the police station so that mostly everyone could get interviewed.  I was sitting in the Library for about 7 ½ hours!  Boring~ well, not really but at times yeah.  LOL.  I was preparing for my home visit.  I was writing down question to myself asking what will I do if… yeah I think that is paying off.  I was doing a lot of researching about myself~ at least I was trying to!  Laugh Out Loud.  Yeah, I was researching about my issue with being gay.  I read these questions and answers just so, that I can get some kind of information on what I feel I am.  I mean I have having these kinds of feelings since I was very young! (5-6)  I was reading about how do I know if I am gay.  Well I have had strong feelings for the same sex as me.  People who read this I wouldn’t like them to read, because I feel that they will hurt my feelings, discriminate me, and judge me differently.  I don’t want that!  I know that my being gay is not a phase.  My parents, think me being gay is just one big phase.  But, on my graduation visit we talked about it and they said that if I am gay, that they will continue to love me no matter what!  I was glad that they had said that.  I like the person who I am write now.  I feel that deep down inside of me, that I am gay and I am happy and accept me being that way.  Which is a good thing.  Well, I am going to still do research, and when I get to talk to Kara and Kirk I am going to ask for their help for any advice on how I am feeling right now!  Man~ well that is going to be it for tonight.  Patrick.  Mood: relieved, tired, confused.  Music: Evenesence

 

January 11th, 2004

 

“Good Times”

 

[More missing pages…starts in mid-list]

 

7.  Next would be whenever I went to her work (Enchanted Castle).  I would have her play Cha Cha Slide!  She was the person who did Karro King, and she woud go up onto the stage and dance to it.  I miss that moment so much!

 

8.  Next would be when she showed me a new piece of her artwork.  She was so proud of herself whenever she had created a new piece of artwork.  I loved ALL of her artwork.  She has given me a few pieces of her artwork.  I love it.

 

9.  Next would have to be when she gave me a great piece of advice.  Her and me wented outside at night and she told me to “not” live in the future or in the past, but, to live in the moment you are living now.”  She taught me that and I will “NEVER” forget that piece of advice she had given to me!

 

!0.  Next would be when her and I would lay on her water bed and watch “Queer As Folk”.  That is my favorite show ever!!!

 

11.  Next would be when she helped me with my hair and make up and help me decide what I look good in.  I miss that, but I won’t need her to do my make up cause I won’t go back to that, but she will need to help me with my clothes and hair all the way!!!

 

12.  Next would be when we were walking back to her house we had found this statue of Jesus and we brought it back to Brooke’s house for her room and we went into bathroom to wash it out and out.

 

[More missing pages…]

 

January 12th, 2004

 

Well, Jack is kicked out of JB [John Baisden—Program Owner] and Kara’s house tonight!  He called Kole a jerk and he told JB that he didn’t when he really did!  I am very relieved that he moved out!  I told him that I was sick and tired of being his babysitter!  I was getting very overwhelmed with the entire situation.  I was getting way to stressed out!  He stole tea from me, he lied, he ahhh~  I am not going to go on about this but, yeah other than that my day was great!  I finished my science and English tests today!  What a relief off of my back!  I feel like I did really well on both of my tests!  Kara had gone over my issues response letter and my disclosure letter!  All that I need to do is to make a few corrections.  I feel that I am doing really well.  I can finally live in my old stress-free environment.  I don’t [unfinished/scratched out sentence].  Patrick.

 

[More missing pages…]

 

January 24th, 2004

 

Well, sorry that I hadn’t written sooner!  I have been very busy!  It is very shortly until I get to go home for a visit!  I can barely wait!  Molly went home about 2 weeks ago!  I miss her very very much!  She gave me her address and phone number so I could call her when I go on my home visit, but, I can’t seem to find it!  I will do 411 for [omitted—address/names] I will find it somewhere!  Let’s just hope so!  I am gonna end it sort and sweet!  Mood: relaxed  Music: Dido—White Flag.

 

Thursday, January 29th, 2004

 

Well, so far so good!  I am doing really well.  I am proud of myself and of the commitment that I had made to change myself.  I hate well dislike algebra!  But, I finished it today, how exciting, huh?

 

[More missing pages…]

 

February 12th, 2004

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Well it hasn’t quite been a long time since I have been hiking.  It has really been cold out.  If I was to rate my day I would have to rate it as a 8.  I had a really fun day.  I feel that I am a strong leader.  I don’t want to give that up!  I was thinking a lot today about all of my issues.  I was thinking about a bunch of random stuff.  I was also thinking about my family and when I get to go on a home visit.  I hope very soon.  Well that is just about it!  I am going to get going now!  OK Bye Bye—Patrick  Smile…

 

February 13th, 2004

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Well happy the Friday the 13th!  So, my day today was pretty great.  Today I would have to say that, it would be a harder hike for me!  I can’t wait until we go back to Pittsburg!  I feel like I have been doing really good!  I am finally happy with who I am as being me!  Now, I finally figured out what my parents said, as to be a leader.  Now, I can say that I am one.  Tomorrow hike—ahh—I don’t look forward to it—but, hey keep a positive attitude, Patrick—because you know that you can do it!—Patrick…Smile…

 

February 13th, 2004

 

“Issues”

 

 

February 14th, 2004

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a 8.  I am birr monkey cold.  I can’t wait until I see Sam and Carl.  We are going to have a lot of fun.  Yeah—anywho Justina had fallen, and rolled her ankle.  It was a big setback for all of us.  When she went down, not only she was hurt but we had to suffer right along with her.  This is symbolic to me because whenever I had done something bad or wrong it did not only have an effect on me, but, it effected everyone who cared and loved me.  I made them carry all of my weight.  Whenever I think about doing something evil or what not I will always think about what happened today and how it had made me felt.  This makes me feel good and bad.  Bad that she had hurt herself, but, good cause now we both can learn not to do those kinds of mistakes.

 

February 15th, 2004

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Today my day would have 2 be a 8!  Well the kids and everyone are on solow now.  I am glad that I don’t have to do that again.  It is very cold out here in Hell’s Canyon.  I am so glad that I decided to come along.  It gives me a chance to regain my thoughts.  Five more days until my Mom and my sister go to Maui which is in Hawaii.  They are so lucky.  Hopefully once they get back, I will be able to go on my home visit.  I can’t wait until I get to take a shower with my Herbal Essences!  I saw today for the first time in my life a real mountain lion out in the wild.  I also saw elk and deer.  I was really neat.  My goal that I am working on would be to not speak/talk like a baby!  (Speak with clarity)!  And my other one would be to do what is asked of me right away!  I have been doing really well.  Well that is just about it.  Talk to you later!  Patrick.

 

February 16th, 2004

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Hello once again Patrick’s journal.  How have I been lately?  Well, let’s just say that today was a 8.  Normally that is a standard Patrick like type of day, if you know what I mean.  Laugh out loud.  I have been having such a awesome, terrific, wonderful, outstanding time with Carl and Sam.  It is really cool to be able to hang out with the social life Sam.  I knew what Carl’s is like but, not Sam.  I feel like we have been getting to know one another a little bit more!  So, yeah—that is totally cool.  Anywho—my goals still remain the same!  I have slipped a few times with not speaking babyish talk.  But, the good thing about that is that I noticed it and corrected it!  So yeah, I can say that I have been improving a lot on that and on my other goal as well.  Well my Mom and sister have four days until they go to Maui, Hawaii!  Talk with yeah laters!  Patrick.

 

February 17th, 2004

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Hey once again.  The weather outside has been cold, but, it has been getting warmer and warmer each day.  Since I have been here!  So, that has been really nice for me!  My day I would have to be a 8 ¾!  Why so good.  Well, I went into town today with Carl and we had a blast!  I feel like I am almost ready to take my two goals off of my list!  My Mom and sister have three days until they go to Maui, Hawaii!  Well, yeah, you know, I can’t wait until I go on my home visit!  Anyways, that is just about it!  I will write/talk 2 you later!  Patrick.

 

February 18th, 2004

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

Hello my wonderful journal of mine!!  Well, today my day was a 8!  Tomorrow I will call my parents!  I can’t call them on satellite phone because it costs like $1.00 per minute!  I slipped a few times today for talking like a baby.  But, I am getting out of that old babyish talk habit.  So that is all good.  Tomorrow we get to go home, yeah—I cannot wait.  I hope that I get to go home on my visit!  I think that I will have to wait until my mom and my sister get back from Maui, Hawaii!  They have two days until they go to Maui, Hawaii!  They are lucky.  But, my stay here at Turning Winds is sort of like a vacation for me!  But, yeah, ya know, well that is just about it for me tonight!  Talk to you later!

 

[HEAL Note:  Please remember that entries are read by staff and that the more “positive” the entry the more “likely” it is for Patrick to “earn the privilege” of speaking to or seeing his parents.]

 

“Food that I’m Craving”

 

I have been getting cravings for all kinds of foods!  So, I am writing down a list of what I am craving!  That way I can buy some in the future!

 

  1. Little Debbies
  2. Fruit Bars
  3. Cereal Bars
  4. Snickers
  5. Pepsi
  6. Mint Patties
  7. Milky Way
  8. Butterfingers
  9. Hershey’s Chocolate
  10. Gum—Orbit & Eclipse
  11. Raviolis—cheese
  12. Fruit snacks
  13. Sunflower seeds
  14. Watermelon
  15. Pineapple
  16. Yogurt Bars
  17. Steak ‘n’ Shake milkshakes
  18. Pop/soda

 

[An Unsent Letter]

 

Dear Aunt Ellie,

 

Hey you—how has everything been going?  Me, well, I just went on another hiking trip!  I didn’t have to go again, but, I wanted to!  We went to Hell’s Canyon!  We did 45-50 miles!  That isn’t hard at all!  Brady and me should go on a hiking trip!  Tell me—How is Sasha doing?  I really miss her.  She might be crazy, but, I still love her!  What is her address?  I cannot stop thinking about Bur le cour Bete!  Just wait until I come back home!  I have been planning!  I am going to make sure that it opens “THIS” year!  I might have to move up their with you and attend BYU independent study so I can work at your stores.

 

February 29th, 2004

 

“My Goals”

 

Goal One:  Slow down and monitor self.

 

A: Think before I speak/cease conversations that border on inappropriate.

B:  No gossiping/nosing into other people’s business.

 

Goal Two:  Develop positive relationship with brother Nick.

 

A:  Speak to brother on phone weekly.

B:  Identify grudges and brainstorm ways to forgive.

 

Goal Three:  Make a plan for managing past friendships when I go home.

 

A:  Brainstorm red flags: how will I identify danger?

B:  Make a list of boundaries for myself.  Where can I not go, when, etc.

 

Goal Four:  Continue to write a contract for living at home, including rules that I’ll adhere to.

 

A:  Brainstorm a list of rules that I will agree to comply to.

B:  Anticipate potential problems and come up with a plan of attack.

 

“Sunday’s Agenda”

 

1.  Finish letters to mom, dad, Danielle, and Nicole and Kimmy!

2.  Talk to Gayle about mom & dad’s letter, about what I am struggling with and ask for advice as well.

3.  Go through my bedroom and pack up my clothing that does not fit me, have too much of, and if I don’t need it.  Also, do the same with my personal belongings.  (Need to make room for more)!

4.  Get my dirty laundry washed and dried.

5.  Put away my clean clothes/laundry.

6.  Talk to JB about my home visit.

 

Monday, March 1st, 2004

 

The time now is 12:45 pm in the afternoon.  I miss my family really bad today!  I saw on the world news this morning that someone crashed their car into the Maui Airport in the waiting room.  I am really worried right now about my mom, sister, Randy, and Nichole.  I think that this happened yesterday!  I don’t really remember if their flight from Maui lefted Saturday night or on Sunday.  I hope that they left Saturday.  I cannot wait until I get to go on my home visit.  It should be very soon.  I want to know when I am going on my home visit!  But, I guess that it is this week that would be so cool.  Well that is for the moment!  Talk to you later!—Patrick

 

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004,  9:09am

 

“DON’T LET THEM DOWN! (they believe in you).”

 

The time now is 9:09am in the morning.  Today has not started off as a good day for me.  Patrick—Pull your act together, this is not the end!  I can do this I believe in myself.  I am going to write a sorry letter to Carl, JB, and Kara today.  I feel like I have not been doing as good as I can.  I lost my music privilege, but, I know that I can get that back in two weeks or less!  That is my goal.  Tomorrow, I am going to wake up ½ hour earlier to make up for what I have done wrong.  I don’t want to lose my good leadership reputation.  I enjoy having these types of qualities and gosh darn I am NOT going to lose them now, because of the bad things that have been happening to me.  “Patrick kick yourself in the butt and strive to do better.”  Look at your ring on your left hand.  Kiss it and do it not only for yourself, but, do it for the people who believe, love, and care about you!  Time End: 9:21 am—Patrick

 

“My Cravings”

 

I have been craving the following items:

 

1.  Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream

2.  Chocolate Chip Cookies

3.  Bell Peppers

4.  Sweet Peppers

5.  Milk Shake—Steak ‘n Shake

6.  Fruit Bars

7.  Smores

8.  Chocolate

9.  Snickers

10.  Three Musketeers

11.  Ice Cream Sandwiches

 

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004, 5:14pm

 

Well, I have turned my day around!  I was sad and down this morning but, now I am happy.  Tomorrow I will be here for 200 days!  Amazing.  On the 17th of March I will be here for (7) seven months.  Time is flying by, but, that is always good.  I hope to see my family soon.  But, whenever that happens it happens.  I am totally craving something chocolate.  I don’t know why.  I wrote a pretty long letter to my mom and dad, and also I wrote a long letter to my sister Kim.  I miss her so much!  I can’t wait until I see her.  I think that I will cry once I see her.  But, it will be the happy cry!  I look forward to talking to my family tomorrow!--Patrick

 

[HEAL Note:  This entry indicates a setback.  Patrick may have to re-do course or has lost enough privileges that he has to “earn” them back before he can see his family.  This is indicative of an abusive behavior modification program.  It is punitive in nature and not helpful in creating true self-confidence and self-esteem.  Why does Patrick feel the need to explain what kind of cry he will have when he sees his sister.  Aren’t all emotions allowed? Typically, emotional responses of any kind are considered “out of control” behavior by the program industry.  This would include crying over the news that a loved one had been hurt or killed.]

 

“Kim’s Qualities”

 

3/02/2004

 

 

March 3rd, 2004

 

“Friends 2 Keep Or Not”

 

1.  Brenda Corrigan—Keeping

2.  Nichole Petronzio—Keeping

3.  Danielle Baker—Keeping

4.  Vanessa Owen—get rid of.

5.  Jim—Keeping [“get rid of” was scratched out]

6.  Brooke--??? Need help! (want to but have mixed feelings)

 

Why must this be so hard to do?  I have been under a lot of stress this last two to three weeks thinking about my friends and such!  That is why I was skipping a lot these few weeks!

 

“What can I do 2 be a better leader”

 

Step One: --first apologize to JB, Kara, and Carl. (tell them how I have been feeling within the past three weeks, admit to what I did wrong, how will I prevent this type of a situation).

 

Step Two: --Step back up to the plate, take more responsibility, do what I did before I messed up (hold people accountable).

 

Step Three: --Ask if I could be JB’s leader again.  Tell him how much I have enjoyed it, what it meant to me, what will I do differently (ask 4 another chance).

 

Step Four: --Record when I stood up and did something that a leader would do.

 

Step Five: --You can do this Patrick.  I know that you can do it!

 

Can I do it?  YES—I can!  Nobody is going to stop me now!

 

“Letter to Carl”

 

Dear Carl,

 

There is a reason why I am writing this letter to you.  I feel terrible that I had letted you down, and myself.  By doing that and knowing that I had hurt you, JB, Kara, peers, and myself is tearing me apart!  I feel that I am not a leader for what I have done.  I have been slacking/slipping since about two weeks ago.  I have been thinking way too much and I zoned everybody and everything out while I was doing this.  I am REALLY sorry for what I have done.  I totally 100% back you up and I agree with my consequence that I was given.  I am getting back on track again.  I want to be a leader and not a follower!  It feels great to be a leader and to be myself!  I am so sorry and if there is anything that I can do to show that, I am sincerely—let me know.  Thank you.  Patrick.

 

“Friend Questions”

 

  1. Do I ever compromise with my friends?
  2. Am I willing to make sacrifices for them?
  3. Will they do the same for me?
  4. Do my friends have higher expectations that bad friends?
  5. Did I give too much forgiveness?
  6. Am I a people pleaser to my bad friends?
  7. Do I settle for the bad friends instead of the good?
  8. Do good friends have higher expectations or lower expectations?
  9. Do I settle for less?

 

“Friends”

 

“Good Qualities of Friends”

 

  1. Trustworthy
  2. Stands up for what is right
  3. Have fun without getting into trouble
  4. Helpful
  5. Non-drug user
  6. Obeying rules
  7. Loyal
  8. Integrity
  9. Love
  10. Forgiveful
  11. Accepting
  12. Supporting
  13. Share their talents
  14. Own person
  15. Hard working

 

“Show me the man’s friend and I’ll show you the man.”

 

Why do I settle for the bad friends instead of the good?

 

Do good friends have higher expectations than bad friends do?

 

What would my friends have expectations for me?

 

“Friends”

 

“Bad qualities of friends”

 

  1. drug user
  2. liar
  3. steals
  4. manipulates
  5. disobeys rules
  6. shellfish
  7. abuses me
  8. self-mutilates
  9. fails school
  10. brainwasher
  11. suicidal
  12. puts themselves and others down.
  13. uses me
  14. shellfish
  15. perverted
  16. peer pressure
  17. don’t have a good relationship together.

 

Two people who I consider 2 be my best friend:

 

1.  Sister Kim

2.  Danielle

 

Did I ever compromise with my friend?  Am I willing to make sacrifices for them?

 

“Relate to Friends”

 

1.  Any pleasure that refreshes you without diminishing you, distracting you, or sidetracking you from your ultimate goal is a legitimate pleasure.

2.  Any pleasure that jeopardizes the sacred right of another is an illicit pleasure.

 

Now, what friends apply to number one and number two?

 

Number One

Number Two

Sister Kim

Vanessa

Mom & Dad

 

Nichole

 

Brenda

 

Danielle

 

Jim

 

Brooke

 

 

March 4th, 2004

 

“Brainstorm Red Flags”

 

“Thursday’s Journal” 

 

Today my day was a 7 ½.  Everyone has the flu!  I have it as well.  Well starting to get it anyway.  Yesterday my mom had told me that she had got a tattoo.  Isn’t that so cool?  My Mom also had let my sister get her belly button pierced. (navel)  I look forward to my home visit!  I cannot wait.  So, yeah anyways I have been having a better day lately.  Carl forgave me!  So that is always good!  I hope to sleep really excellent tonight!  I hope that we will be able to sleep in tomorrow!  I hope to feel better soon.  Well, that is just about it!  Patrick.

 

March 5th, 2004

 

“Goals”

 

  1. Refrain from all gossiping and lying. (lying—exaggerating stories).
  2. End all “baby talk”.
  3. Do not procrastinate/put things off until the last minute.
  4. Improve my relationship with my brother Nick.
  5. Finish contract for living at home.

 

I got these goals on March 3rd, 2004.  I just forgot to write them in the journal!!! Smile.

 

March 8th, 2004, 11:55am

 

Well, I don’t know if I had told you this or not, but, I might have a bladder infection!  Yikes, this is not good, not good at all.  I told Gayle about this on Saturday. (March 6th, 2004).  I have been having pain, and a burning feeling while urinating.  My urine smells bad, dark yellow, and cloudy.  I have been having lower and upper back pain.  I have been getting cramps and stomachaches every day.  After I go to the bathroom I drip.  I go to the bathroom a lot!!!! (12:01 pm ended)  (12:16pm start)—yeah, so, this is not good, not good at all.  I talked to Sam and she told me about what is going to happen tomorrow.  I am sort of freaking out.  She said that I am going to get tested for HIV, AIDS, Hepatitis, STDs, etc. because how I was sexually active before I came here.  She told me that sometimes that is how a STD and such happen.  I am scared about what they are going to do to me, and how they are going to test me.  I am going to ask Sam how they are going to test me.  But, the thing that I hate the most is that I cannot eat after lunch until after I get tested.  I cannot have breakfast.  I am only allowed to drink water and that is it.  I will be extremely hungry after physical training because I worked up my appetite.  Well, I look forward to going home soon for my home visit!  Will do really well on my home visit.  I am going to cry and cry, because when I see my parents at the airport in Chicago, Illinois. (O’Hare International Airport).  But, I will cry as soon I see my sister as well.  I miss her extremely badly.  Well, that is about it.  I hope that I do not have to do physical training today.  I will be so hungry after physical training.  If I do, I hope that it is easy!  I will write in you later.  Love Always and forever… Patrick.

 

“Monday’s Extended Journal”  start: 4:58pm  time ended: 5:10pm

 

The only thing that I hate is that I cannot eat after midnight!  No breakfast for me!  Well, I had that talk with Sam.  I feel a little better knowing a little bit more information about what is going to happen to me tomorrow.  I have to admit that I am still scared about what is going to happen to me tomorrow.  Why, well I don’t care about giving them a sample of urine, and I don’t care about them drawing blood from me, but I do care about them swabbing me!  Yikes!  That is the only thing that I am afraid of.  I wonder how long it will take them?  Sam said that it does not hurt like people say it does.  I take her word, unless she is playing a trick which I hope she isn’t!  But, whatever happens, happens and just remember Patrick you will live!

 

March 9th, 2004  Time: 5:23pm

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Well it is all over and done with.  It did not hurt that bad at all.  It only felt like a needle going through me, yeah, you know what.  I will find out in one to two days if I have any STDs, AIDS, etc.  I found out that I had failed the swab test and the urine test.  I have a bladder infection and Chlamydia.  I am going to tell my mom and dad tomorrow!  The doctor told me that I need to tell whoever I was sexually active with that I have Chlamydia.  So, I am going to ask my mom and dad and Kara and Kirk about how should I tell the people that I was sexually active with.  I got it within one year ago!  Because, I was tested for it already.  So, that would mean that I would have to tell Jim, Kyle, and Matt.  When should I tell them?  I will talk to Kara tonight. –Patrick

 

March 15th, 2004, Time: 4:53pm

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Well, Josh and Chris are going on TREC tomorrow.  I wonder why I am not going with them?  I want to go on TREC.  Hm, weird, I am going to ask JB why tonight!  Hey, maybe—I am not going for a good reason!  Oh my—maybe it could be my home visit?  But when?  Ah, well I know that god has his reasons for me.  In two days it will be my seven month anniversary here at Turning Winds!  Also it is going to be St. Patrick’s Day.  Plus the 17th is my lucky number.  Well that is just about it.  I will write in you some more later!  Patrick.

 

“Drug Awareness Group”

 

Side effects from quitting smoking can last around to 2 minimum of (6) months!!!  You can die if you chain smoke 100 cigarettes (18 year old tested)

 

6,000 billion cigarettes are smoked worldwide every year, and are increasing rapidly!

 

I wanted to have a better relationship with my brother Nick and somewhat to improve my relationship with my sister Kim!  The both of them had smoked cigarettes, and I thought that if I was to smoke than I would gain more attention from the both of them.  I had wanted to have something in common with the both of them.  I wanted to be noticed and not to be picked on by others, and I thought that by smoking they would pay attention to me and they would not pick on me.  Isn’t it amazing that I started smoking to be more like my brother and sister?  I think that is love.  In some form anyway.  Nick and Kim wherever you are now, whatever you are doing, please remember that I will always love you.  Time here: 5:04pm  time there: 7:04pm. –Patrick

 

March 16th, 2004

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Ah!  Yes!  I did it.  I am going “homo” tomorrow!  EEK.  I found out last night!  I have to call home tonight to talk to my parents and ask them where I am going to meet them at!  My plane leaves at 7:00am.  I have to wake up at 3:00am!  That is early, but, if it means going home who cares.  I probably won’t sleep tonight anyways.  I have a load of luggage to bring home.  I am going to burst into tears when I see my parents, and, family, and home.  I will cry for a fact when I see my sister Kim, and my parrot!  I can’t wait to see my sister’s dog.  Well, thank you God!  I will write more later.  I will probably write in you on the plane.  Love always & forever—Patrick

 

“Patrick’s Information”

 

Depart from Spokane, Washington—7:00am

Arrive at Chicago, Illinois – 12:28pm

 

United Airlines (United Airplane)

Flight 472 – 7:00am

 

When I get off at Chicago, Illinois I need to seek a United Airlines employee and ask for them to direct me to where I need to pick up my luggage!

 

Meeting Place:  Meet my Mom by my baggage pick up.

 

(Parents cell phone numbers omitted)

 

1,700 miles!

 

3 ½ hour flight

 

Gate C30

 

Flight 472

 

Look 4 Mom (Debbie Liberg)

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

HAVE FUN!  It is coming, I can feel it.  I get to go home in a few hours!  I am going to surprise my sister Kim!  I am going to walk her dog Bud down the street, and when I see her driving I will stop her and say meet me at home.  I am going to sit outside on the picnic table with Buddy and Sargeant and I will wait for my little brothers to come home and get off of the bus and they will see me!  Eek, this is so exciting to me.  I know for a fact that I am going to cry when I see my family.  I will be happy to see my sister.  I have not been home for seven (7) months!  I have not seen ANYONE except my parents.  17 is my seven (7) month anniversary, St. Patrick’s day, and my lucky number!  I am so happy for myself. –Patrick

 

March 17th, 2004,  Time: 6:18am

 

“Wednesday’s Morning Journal”

 

Well here I am sitting in the Spokane International airport!  I am very shaky!  I can’t wait.  I called my Mom, and I am going to go call my aunt Ellie maybe.  Na, I can do that at home!  I can’t wait.  The time now is 6:20am and I board in ten minutes so bye!  Love always & forever—Patrick  HAVE FUN!

 

“Wednesday’s Morning Journal”

 

Have Fun!  Well, I just called my mother again, because they delayed my flight to around 7:45—8:00am!  Chicago, Illinois is getting snow, cloudy, foggy, and misty!  When Chicago should be used to these kinds of conditions.  We are going to be boarding at 7:15am!  I am very shaky, and nervous!  I did not feel this way when I came to Spokane, Washington with my Dad.  Well I also talked to my sister Kim and I am going to shadow her in school tomorrow!  I cannot wait.  Well I am going to go switch my seating to go and get a seat by the window!  Well that is about it!  Love always, and forever, Patrick  PS  Have a safe flight!

 

“Wednesday’s Airplane Journal”  12:14pm

 

Well, here I am in the air on a airplane on the way home!  I cannot stop thinking about my family and pets especially my wonderful sister Kim.  We have a lot to talk about when I see her, I cannot wait!  I get this weird, ticklish funny feeling on the inside of me, whenever I think about them!  I look forward to going to the high school tomorrow with my sister Kim!  JB & Kara and everyone are so happy for me, and I am to!  I am like on a caffeine and sugar high!  I love it.  I am going to buy my mother a ice tea at McDonald’s before I see her.  Well I hope that when I land that we are safe!  Love always and forever—Patrick  HAVE FUN!

 

[More missing journal entries…]

 

Notes from margins of Notebook

 

There is never a day that goes by that I don’t think about you! 

 

It is better to be hated for who you are then to be loved for who you aren’t!

 

Kiss me, I am Irish!

 

Two peas in a pod.

 

You are who you are! (never forget that).

 

Kermit

 

April, 2004 (day of month illegible)

 

“Sunday’s”

 

Well today a lot happens!  Ya, no number rating!  We lost our Sundays, but, I do not really care at this time.  I got accused today for flirting with Nathan!  Well, I do not feel bad, because I was not doing it on purpose!  I apologized and talked to Kirk about it.  And, he said that he did not think that I was back flirting with him!  Well, then they pulled me aside today and told me some stuff.  If that is how my parents feel, well, then it is going to take me awhile.  I am not here for my parents!  I am here for myself and that is it!

 

[HEAL Note:  In some of the newer entries Patrick is now signing as Pat Liberg.  He formerly signed his full name.  Now he is printing everything.]

 

[More missing journal entries…]

 

May 12th, 2004

 

“Russia”

 

862  Norsemen/Kiev

Ruski dynasty

 

986  Prince Vadimir

Christianity

1147 Moscow founded

1240  Kiev sacked

Mongols

1350 Prince Dmitri

defeats Mongols

1480 Prince Ivon III

renounces Russians

allegiance to Mongols.

(feed your own house).

Prince Vladimir

Grant Prince Dimitry

Ivan Terrible

Mikhail Ryodorivich Romanov

Sophia Alexander

Peter the Great

Ivan III 1462-1505

Vasily 1505-1584

 

“Movie Notes”

 

  1. In 1610 they captured Moscow, by Poland
  2. July 1613, Micheal was crowned king
  3. Nobles had full control/owned pheasants, that worked their land.
  4. May 16th, 1632, Peter’s wife had given birth in Moscow.
  5. Sophia wanted to break the tradition and take the crown.
  6. Sophia spread rumors about her brother at his funeral.
  7. Russia would crown two sarzs, but Sophia would be in charge of her two brothers/sarzs.
  8. Peter liked woodcraft.
  9. Peter liked war games.
  10. Sophia and Peter hated each other, because of political reasons.
  11. Everyone supported Peter and not Sophia during show down.
  12. Peter wanted to build ships.
  13. Peter loved ship building since he was a kid.

 

May 13th, 2004

 

Aloha Journal,

 

Hello.  Last night I found out that my dad is coming up here on Friday!  I get to see him Saturday morning.  I can’t wait until I go home for good.  The time now is about 1:38pm.  Last night I had the craziest dreams in the world!  I had a dream about Kimmy my sister, Jim, and me!  It was very wild, but I enjoyed having the dream.  My sister and I was in a private pool/spa room.  We had been talking about what lifeguard come on duty next.  So I reached for the schedule.  (I can’t spell).  (We had been in the hot tub)  Then it said Jim.  So he comes on shift and all three of us had been talking!  So Good Night!

 

[Address Omitted for Privacy]

 

May 13th, 2004

 

Ms. Danielle O.

[address omitted for privacy]

 

Dear Ms. O:

 

Ellen Buchanan, a consultant to your firm, and a good friend of mine has informed me that CAI is looking for someone with excellent computer skills, ability to work in a team environment, ability to work overtime, self-motivating, outgoing personality, and working experience.  I believe that my enclosed resume will demonstrate that I have the characteristics and experience in which you are seeking in the particular position.

 

I have had three years experience at AIC.  I was the artitect of designing Rigley Field.  I attended the University of Chicago for five years.  The experience and skills in which I have learned will benefit your company.

 

In addition I would welcome the opportunity to discuss these and other qualifications with you.  If you are interested, please contact me at (number omitted for privacy), any time, or feel free to leave a message.  I look forward to meeting with you to discuss the ways my skills may best serve CAI.  Sincerely Yours, Patrick.

 

May 14th, 2004

 

Russia Movie

 

“Movie Notes”

 

  1. Cathy fell in love with Orloft
  2. Elizabeth died on Christmas day.
  3. Elizabeth was Catherine’s role model.
  4. Elizabeth taught women that you can be in charge.
  5. Catherine’s husband threatened her with divorcing her, and putting her behind convent walls to be a nun for life.
  6. Catherine had study her allies for more than ½ of her life.
  7. Catherine received the crown in 1772 in the cathedral.
  8. Filled St. Petersburg Palace with magnificate paintings.
  9. Pheasant tried saying that he was her dead husband.
  10. Russia had ceased the Uynreda, and had become a empire of its own.
  11. Was the world’s most powerful women!
  12. 75 years woman ruled Russia and her son Paul made it illegal that women can be in charge and to wear the crown.

 

May 17th, 2004

 

“Research Notes”

 

 

“TEST FACTS”

 

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Ten Month Anniversary!

 

Today my day was a 7 ½!  I have been here for ten months today.  Some days go by very slow.  It just all depends.  I did a report on Dr. Amin today for my English report!  It was pretty interesting seeing his method of way to handle his patients.  He builds a strong bond/relationship with his patients.  It is really cool to see how he saved my aunt life!  Amazement!  I am just about finished with all of my school work!  I have pretty great grades.  I am so happy about how well my dad and my relationship has been going.  I think that we both have trust for one another, which is what I am happy about.  He even had letted me drive from the Chevron gas station all the way to Turning Winds!  That was so cool that he had trusted me like that.  Before I don’t think that he would trust me with his keys!  I am so happy that he has given me another chance to improve our relationship with each other.  I am totally excited that when I go home, I can be able to tell him just about anything.  But, overall I had such a wonderful time!  Well, that is just about it for me right now.  I hope to sleep excellently, and have good dreams!  Thank you Lord for such beautiful weather, and I am thankful!  Well notta much is up!  Love, Patrick.

 

May 18th, 2004

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Well today my day had been like a 7 ½!  I look forward to hopefully going home soon!  Tomorrow I get to go to Couer d’Alene!  I am wondering what I am going to wear tomorrow when I go to Couer d”Alene!  I love dressing up.  I got my glasses today and I am wearing them right now!  It is very windy and raining outside like crazy!  I have been having these very strange and bad dreams lately!  They are about my friends back at home!  I am having dreams about my sister, Jim, and me in the pool.  These dreams have been going on non-stop.  I am going to record them and tell Kirk about them.  Not much has been going on.  Jessie’s mother bought me cherries!  I am happy that Jessica is back, but, I know how it feels that you have to leave them again!  Well that is it!  Patrick..

 

May 19th, 2004

 

“Just Facts”

 

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

Well, yeah, today was like a (8) eight!  I called home tonight and I went to Couer d’Alene!  Yeah, it was pretty cool.  I had directions today and I think that this goal is going to be fun!  Carl wants me to figure out how I want my outer appearance, I’m going to be when I go home!   Yeah, I guess my pants had started to create this new goal for me!  Cursed pants—they are evil.  J/K.  But, I found out that my next visit I am going home!  Yes, I am so excited about that!  Hm, something is going on!  There is a lot of food missing, Gayle’s cookbooks are gone, and I feel as if they are gone!  Please I hope not!  Well, talk to you later!  --Patrick.

 

May 20th, 2004

 

Mexico Movie—Part One

 

“Movie Notes”

 

1.      Due to the weather you could harvest 2-3 times a year.

2.      Would do human sacrifice, burning, piercing, etc.

3.      Tools never (illegible word) beyond the stone.

4.      Temples are as massive as the Great Pyramids

5.      Eagle with snake in its mouth is on the Mexico flag.

6.      City was safe from attack.

7.      Can grow up to three crops a year.

8.      Was 4 times the size of London.

9.      Sacrificed over 1500 people.

10. Believed that if they didn’t sacrifice world would end.

11. 20,000 hearts were torn out within four days.

12. Kind had over 3000 servants, 1000 wives.

13. It was against the law to look at him, touch him, or turn your back on him.

14. Aztecs don’t fear to die in war.

15. Cortez had forbidden human sacrifice.

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Hey what do you know it is Dan’s birthday.  In six months my sister Kim will be 18 years old!  Yeah, November 20th will be a good day cause my sister’s B-day!  Enough with that.  Well, we found out that Dan and Gayle are no longer our house parents!  It was for the best!  We got a new Dad that is from South Dakota.  He looks really smart.  I have to talk to Kirk about the dreams that I have been having.  I also have to talk to him about a goal that Carl had given to me.  Carl and I Talked about what I want my outer appearance to be, how much jewelry, any piercings, how will society judge me, and how it makes me feel when I dress Gothic or Punk or normal or preppy!  So I think that this goal will be a lot of fun and challenging for me.  But, I am going to tell my honest feelings about it.  Well that is it for me!  Patrick

 

[HEAL Note:  Patrick’s signature has gone through another change.  Now his first name is in block letters and he is cursive signing his last name.]

 

May 21st, 2004

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Hey you—Well today my day was pretty good!  I enjoyed going out to the movies tonight!  I did not have a counseling session this week!  I don’t know why, but, oh well.  I feel as if people are starting to be buddy buddy!  Chris has been giving me this attitude that I do not like.  I feel that the males up at the upper house don’t like me or something.  Tonight I am just thinking why.  I told him that I would like to hang out with them more, but I feel as if I don’t belong or fit in with them.  I feel that all of them are great buddies (that is cool) but they always tend to zone me out!  What should I do about this?  Please write me a note on what can I do/advice.  Thank you.  I am really tired of being isolated, and I want it to change?!  Well my dreams are crazy like always.  Goodnight to whomever.  Patrick.

 

May 22nd, 2004

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

Today is Carie’s B-Day 25 years old.  Well, today was a weird but cool day!  I spent approximately three hours today at the Laundane motel.  Then I went into Sandpoint, Idaho to the Safeway.  We ate outside up at the gazebo and had hot dogs!  People don’t listen to me today.  Taylor started to yell at me during dinner for paper towels!  I feel that a big majority of the males don’t like me and have been completely rude and are ignoring me!  I don’t know what to do anymore about this issue!  I really am trying so hard to improve my relationship with male residents, but it has been also starting to stress me out.  I don’t know anymore!  Maybe I am not used to it!  I had another dream about Jim, Kim, me, Danielle, and Brooke this time!  Patrick.

 

May 24th, 2004

 

Day Entry

 

“Mid-Day Monday’s Journal”

 

The time now is 4:28pm!  I have been thinking a lot today!  I was just thinking about when will I go home for good.  I feel as if I am ready to go home.  Sure I am not perfect, but who is?  I have a goal to go home in the middle of June for good.  I am just about done with school.  Well, I just need the internet so I can submit my speedbacks, then take my final and I am done.  I feel that I am ready to go home.  Who do I talk to about a date for going home?  I would like to have a date.  I have been here for ten (10) months!  I hope that I am not here until August.  I really have been missing my family back in Illinois.  I feel that if I was to go home in a week or so that I will be successful and I know for a fact that I will not go back into my old bad habits!  I sometimes feel that they forgot about me.  Please leave me a note on what you think—if I am ready to go home or not!  Thanks!—Patrick  Time End: 4:41pm!

 

[No staff response.]

 

May 24th, 2004

 

Hey you—Aunt Tess how has everything been going for you?  I cannot stop thanking you for my wonderful care package that you had sent to me!  I love the lucky charm as well!  He is always with me.  I am trying to come up with a name for him.  Do you have any good names that I can name him?  If you already named him, then just let me know what you named him.  I will simply use that name!  Anyways, I finished up mostly all of my school for the year.  I am so happy about that.  The sooner I get it done the sooner I will get to go home for good!  You bet that I am working extremely hard to get that done.  Um, yeah not that much has been going on.  I cannot wait until I go home for good.  I hope that you enjoyed the birthday card, and the photos.  I am giving you some more photos of me to pass out if you want to.  Make sure to keep one for yourself.  Don’t worry, I will send you six photos.  I have been thinking about what you had told me.  It can be A LOT harder than you think.  But, I am not going to give up!  I think about who is waiting to see me, hug me, and cry when I finish this program!  You have helped to motivate me so much!  Thank you.  I love how straight up I am with everything.  You are who you are—I will NEVER FORGET THAT!  It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who your not!

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Well, today I had a pretty good day!  I miss my family back in Illinois!  I was thinking about when I will go home for good.  I also have been thinking about a specific goal that I have as well.  I have a problem with a staff member.  I’m not saying any names.  They tell me to act like the real Patrick.  I feel that I have acted like the real Patrick.  I expressed that when I talk that I sound like a female.  I am working on that, but, I feel as if it comes to me naturally!  I like who I am and I am not going to act fake!  And I feel that they judge me for what I prefer/opinion.  Do you have any advice?  Please write me a note!  I would greatly appreciate it.  Also I am the second leader of Turning Winds Two!  I am going to spit shine my leadership skills every morning!  I am constantly having night dreams and I have been day dreaming about Jim.  I don’t like it at all!  Any suggestions on what u may think would help resolve these dreams?  Thanx.  Patrick.

 

May 25th, 2004

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Well, today was pretty cool!  I got frustrated today with Sam.  I asked her if she thinks that I am ready to go home.  She said “That you will go home and do the same exact crap that you did when you came here/ why would we send you home?”  That got me really mad, but, I know that I have changed.  I don’t need a professional to tell me that I haven’t!  But, I’m not getting mad when I know that I am changed and ready to go home.  But, I need some advice!  I am having dreams about old friends.  How do I make them go away?  I need to talk to Kirk really soon.  Maybe Kirk can give me some good advice.  I cannot wait until I go home again.  I am looking forward to that.  Well, not that much is going on!  Please leave me a note!  I look forward to directions with Carl!  I love the way he does directions!  Good night peoples and chill out!  Patrick.

 

May 26th, 2004

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was really cool!  I had a great talk with my parents!  I didn’t get a hold of my aunt, but, she lefted a new message telling me that she was sorry and I lefted her a great message!  I did not have any new problems at all and I have been happy with that!  I hope that I get to go to Cat Tales tomorrow!  I am so tired and I am starting to love my dreams!  I told my dad and mom and they said just enjoy them.  Well not that much else has been going on and I am not wearing my glasses and I am tired.  So, peace out and good night!  Patrick.

 

May 27th, 2004

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was pretty awesome dude!  I’m starting to sound like my sister!  Anyways, today at the award ceremony for the venturing program I got my personal fitness money management and orienting!  I am now a star scout rank!  My troops back at home and my family will be really proud to hear about that.  Today the upper house kids lost their move/tv privileges for one week!  Well, stuff happens and next time we better make sure that it doesn’t happen again!  I had the most weirdest dream last night!  I am not scared about who they are about!  I am starting to enjoy them!  Well, peace out!  Love, Patrick.

 

May 28th, 2004

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was such a good day for me!  I had just about 1 ½ hour counseling session with Kirk!!!  I cryed a littled in my session with Kirk, but, he was proud of me for acting like the real Patrick!  I am so happy afterwards!  I am just about done with all of my school work.  I am so happy about that one!  I am happy that we get to sleep in.  I hope to continue to keep on doing good.  Well, not that much else has been going on.  So yeah, that is just about it for me tonight!  I hope that my family and my wonderful godmother are doing great!  So peace out and good night dude!  Patrick.

 

[HEAL Note:  Please read the “Monday’s Journal” for May 24th, 2004 about the “real Patrick” vs. the REAL Patrick.]

 

May 29th, 2004

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

Today was a pretty cool day!  Yeah I got to sleep in to 8:15am!  I was so happy about that.  Today we hauled wood, and boy I have not done that in a while.  We moved the entire wood pile again.  I enjoyed it.  Justina and I were shaving the logs today.  I feel that is like the first time that we had gotten along so well.  I was happy about that one.  I am just about finished with school for the year.  I can not wait.  It was rainy today, and I love the rain.  I hope that it rains tonight so that way I sleep good.  I feel that I held others accountable today! (Talking when they shouldn’t be!  Inappropriate noise)  I have also improved on my relationship with male residents!  So, yeah good night and peace out!  Patrick.

 

May 30th, 2004

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Today was ok for the most part of it!  I got a hair cut!  I love it!  Carrie did such a kick butt job.  I feel as if the new kids haven’t been obeying.  Well, Vanessa is doing great.  However, I keep on telling Taylor and Nate that they have to count in the bathrooms.  I feel that Taylor is being a jerk to me just to be friends with the other males.  He has been making fun of me and I tell him that I don’t like it.  He makes me feel that I am stupid.  I am going to file a grievance form against him!  I just do not feel safe around him.  Enough with that already.  I look forward to going home very soon.  Well good night and that is about it!  I hope that it rains a lot tonight!  Patrick.

 

May 31st, 2004

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Well I liked today for some odd reasoning.  I had a talk to Taylor tonight in group and everything had turned out to be just fine.  I am happy about that one.  Anyways, I played croce today.  I had a large amount of fun today.  I got two speed backs finished for Algebra.  I got a 85% on one assignment and I got a 95% on my other speedback!  Last night’s dreams had been extremely odd, strange, and confusing, but, I loved every minute of it!  Well, Chris is back from his first home visit.  I am happy for him.  Well not that much has been going on.  I pray to go home soon!  I want to say good and peace out!  Talk to you later!  Love, Patrick.

 

[More missing entries…]

 

June 3rd, 2004

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Well today I finished all of my English work!  I have like only the exams and I am done!  I am so happy about that.  Today was so hot and humid!  I can not wait until I go home this month!  I hope that it is soon.  Well like yeah not that much else has been going on with me!  Josh is copying one of his art pieces for me to keep!  I can not wait.  Well not that else has been going on besides that tomorrow I will get to talk to Kirk!  Well goodnight and peace out!  Patrick.

 

June 4th, 2004

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

I finished today!  Today my day was pretty darn good!  I had my weekly talk with Kirk.  It went pretty well.  I am going home some time this month!  I do not know when, but, I am hoping that it is going to be soon!  I have been waking up every morning at 5:43am.  It is crazy sound.  I do not know why and we also had a talk about how I am doing.  We also talked about my friends and it went really good.  Well, that is I felt about it!  Peace out .  [illegible word] I will talk to you all later.  Patrick.

 

June 5th, 2004

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

Well, we went to the movies and before that we went out to eat at 8th Avenue.  The waitress chick was not a good waitress at all!  But, we saw “The Day After Tomorrow”.  I was freaking out when the phone almost went down because of the turbulence!  SARAH is leaving!  I am sad about that!  Well, I gotta go now!  Patrick.

 

June 6th, 2004

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Today I would not like to note my day.  I am really upset and frustrated.  I got a consequence for saying who stained the carpet and where.  I disagree with it, but, I can not do anything about it so I will suck it up.  I got accused for flirting/wanting John!  I told them how I felt and I was not talking about that!  I felt that they should not be saying that John is sexy!  Totally inappropriate!  Especially when the girls were talking about it.  I have improved my male relationships!  They all agree…Somehow that staff are expecting more!  I feel that they are wanting me to be somebody else!  This is the real Patrick.  I am not putting on a front.  I enjoy my music, the way I dress, etc.!  I state my opinion and I get shot down for it!  What do I do?  Please give me the strength to get through this!  Leave me a note please!  Patrick.

 

June 7th, 2004

 

“Individual Group Topic”

 

Ways We Communicate:

 

 

5 “Poor” Listening Skills:

 

 

Probing= Asking a lot of personal questions

 

I have used the 5 poor listening skills!  I feel terrible about having some of these skills.  I pretend listening, spacing out, and I use self-centered listening skills almost on a daily basis.  I do not like that skill and want to get rid of it.

 

Genuine Listening Skills:

 

 

Stand in their shoes.

 

Practice Mirroring:

 

Mimicking is repeating words!  Using the same words cold and indifferent.

 

Mirroring is repeating meaning!  Using your own words!  Warm and caring.

 

June 7th, 2004

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Well today I once again am not going to rate my day!  I did however finish all of my speed backs for school!  I am very excited and happy about that!  I got put on talking bans today!  It goes from 6/7-6/9!  I knew about who liked who which I found out from Justina!  I am not feeling that well and feel like throwing up!  Laterz on tonight we will be getting a new kid!  He is a boy and comes from the Midwest or east coast!  Well that would be cool if it was the kid from the Chicago land area!  I hope so, but, if not oh well!  Well that is just about it!  I am going to go now!  Peace out peoples and goodnight!  Patrick.

 

June 8th, 2004

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Well today I met our two newest residents!  They seem to be ok, I can’t really say, because I cannot talk to them!  Since I cannot talk to any one.  I had a lot of time to think!  I went into the bathroom and cried!  I miss my family and my best friend!  I am so excited to be going home sometime this month.  I am so happy about that.  Tomorrow I will hopefully be getting off of my talking bans!  It feels different not having Sarah anymore.  I will talk to her sometime!  I got my package from my Aunt Teresa!  I really am hoping that Carl will open it up tonight!  Whatever is in it, I hope that I get it all.  My dreams of Jim, Danielle, Brooke, and me will not go away!  I enjoy the dreams!  I have my few reasons why!  Well peace out for the night!  Love, Patrick.

 

“My Feelings”

 

My home visit was canceled today by my mom and Carl!  I just want to cry and be with my aunt.  I do not know what to say anymore.  I know that they are worried about me.  I know that I have slipped, but, for some strange reason I feel like I am myself!  I enjoy the way I dress.  I ah—I just don’t know what to say anymore except for Good Bye!  Patrick.

 

June 9th, 2004

 

Well I am going to be talking to my parents in about one hour!  I hope that they did not cancel my visit!  I hope that it is just a test to see how I will react!  PLEASE LORD!  I am trying to do good and stay positive today!  I will let you know how everything goes tonight in my journal!  I can’t wait until I talk to them!  Wish me the best of luck!  Patrick.

 

[HEAL Note:  How cruel is it to tell a boy who hasn’t seen his family in months that the visit to his home has been canceled whether as a test or not?  Is this therapeutic or psychologically harmful?  What do you think?]

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

Well I talked to the both of my parents tonight!  I feel that everything went really well!  I talked to my aunt and she calmed me down.  I came up with possible solutions and ways for me to go home!  I might still be able to go home for this visit!  My mom said “I am not promising you anything, but if you get you butt into gear than there is a possibility to keep this visit!”  They did not cancel my plane tickets yet!  I am basically going to pull Carl aside tomorrow and have a talk with him.  I am hoping to set everything straight.  So wish me good luck on that!  Well, other than that, Ashley put Brandon to his place!  You go girl!  Well peace out and goodnight!  Patrick.

 

June 10th, 2004

 

Well today I tried having a positive day!  In directions I got a lot of new goals!  The one about my clothing is now off!  I wanted to cry in directions, when Carl brought up my home visit!  I went into the bathroom and cryed.  I feel that I have slipped a lot but I do not want to cancel my home visit!  My mother is going to call Carl and talk to him.  Maybe I can still go on it, if I do good!  I really need my Mom!  I miss her!  Please LORD—Help me!  I want to do this and I know that I can!  I NEED to talk to Kirk tomorrow AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!  Well good night and peace out!  Patrick.

 

“Goal Record”

 

6/11/04—held a group accountable when they tried switching volleyballs.

 

6/12/04—Held graduate girls accountable for putting on make up down at the lower house.

 

6/11/04—Held Brandon & Jack accountable for talking about inappropriate subjects.

 

6/11/04—I think that I did well when I participated in a 25 minute all male conversation about toothpaste.

 

6/11/04—I think that I improved on my integrity and having my own opinion when I told Carl the truth and my opinion about being gay.

 

6/11/04—I held Brandon accountable for talking about war stories about selling guns.

 

6/11/04—I feel that I did well when Brandon was gossiping about how terrible this place is.  I told him that this is the top place to be and that it has done wonders for me!  I told him to not to talk/say trash about Turning Winds.

 

6/11/04—I feel that I spoke my own opinion and was the “real Patrick” in counseling.

 

6/11/04—I spoke my opinion/beliefs about how I feel about guns with Brandon, Ashley, and Owen.  I’m against it!

 

6/11/04—I improved my male relationship when I engaged in a game of pool with males.

 

6/12/04—I held peers accountable for talking about inappropriate subjects.

 

6/12/04—I feel that I spoke my opinion when I was asked questions about myself so that they could get to know me better!

 

6/11 & 6/12/04  I held a group of males accountable for talking about what kinds of medicine they take/are on/used to be on/ and how much they take!

 

6/12/04—Held Jack, Jessica accountable for looking in staff’s cars!  (Carrie’s)

 

June 11th, 2004

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Well today I do not want to give my day a number!  Let me just say that it was a mixed-matched number rating day!  Carl opened up the package from my aunt Teresa today!  I watched Ronald Reagan’s funeral today!  Very nice & beautiful funeral service!  I did not get the package from my aunt Tess!  Carl told me that she is not allowed to mail letters to me from Brooke and Jim!  My aunt tried sneaking in letters from them!  Carl said to tell her to not do that anymore!  I still get to talk to her!  That is a good thing!  Carl said that I will not be allowed to have the letters from them!  He did however told me what they said!  He told me that Jim swears a lot in his letters!  He also told me that Jim has moved on and is dating other males.  Brooke letters had talked about me and Jim going to Gay Pride Parade with each other with Brooke and Danielle! He told me that she talked about Jim and my relationship with each other.  I believe that Jim was swearing a lot in his letters!  That is a “Fact”!  But, from what I have been hearing that Jim still wants to be with me when I come home!

 

[HEAL Note:  It is illegal to open and read other people’s mail, even in a program setting.  This was decided in the Provo Canyon School cases by federal court decision.  See: http://www.heal-online.org/provocases.htm for more information.]

 

[More missing entries…]

 

June 15th, 2004

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Today I had a cool day!  I am still thinking about the letters from Jim and Brooke!  I am really excited to talk to my parents tomorrow!  I am curious on what they are going to have to say about what my aunt Teresa did!  I also will talk about how my feelings are doing about Brooke and Jim!  We all found out today that Kadie Brooke [last name omitted for privacy] from Pullman, WA is going home for good on Saturday!  I am happy, but sad!  I know that she will do good when she goes home!  Well, I am going to be getting going!  I hope to go home soon!  I love you and good night y’all!  Love.  Patrick.

 

[More missing entries…]

 

June 20th, 2004

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a I do not want to rate it!  Well, actually it was a 8 ½!  I got to talk to my father today to wish him to have a “Happy Father’s Day!”  I called my house first, and my sister answered the phone.  She told me that she misses me and asked me how I am doing!  So, I told her.  Then I called my father’s cell phone!  I got his voice-mail, so I lefted him a wonderful message!  Later in the day, he had called me back!  I told him that I loved him, missed him, I am thankful that he is part of my life, I am glad that we have a good relationship with each other, and I am happy that he is my father!  John Baisden, Sr. said, “that I would cry if I got that message!”  I am so thankful for my family!  I did not get into any trouble and I feel that I am doing much better than I have been doing!  Well that is it and god bless!  Well I am going to go now, so peace out!  Love always and forever, Patrick.

 

[More missing entries…]

 

“Days that are bad/good”

 

June 29th—(Bad)  Supposed to go to Gay Pride Parade

 

June 29th—(Bad)  Neighbor having surgery

 

June 30th—(Bad)  Uncle Tim having open-heart surgery.

 

July 1st—(good) Kara has her baby at 5:28am!

 

July 2nd—(good)  Jessica went on a local visit with her mom

 

July 3rd—(bad) last year I went over to boyfriend Danny’s home’ kicked out, moved to Vanessa’s house.

 

July 4th—(bad)  Last year went drinking with Vanessa and with her friend Mike and Kim.  And had sex with Mike and Tofur.

 

July 13th—(Bad)  Uncle Tim having 5 by-pass heart surgery!

 

July 24th-29th (something like that—Good)—2004 DuPage County Fair!

 

August 17th—(Good)  One year anniversary at Turning Winds!

 

August 17th and 18th—(Good) High School orientation

 

August 25th—(Good)  First day of High School!

 

September 9th—(Good) Jennifer’s Birthday!  17 years old!

 

September 10th—(good)  Neighbor Judy and my birthday!  15 years old.        

 

September 25th—(good)—Dad’s birthday!  51 years old!

 

Celebrate Diversity

 

[HEAL Note:  The above section was written on the cover of the new journal that begins below.]

 

This friend I have

Means the world to

Me.

 

I wish she was here,

So she could only see

I’ll stay by her side

I’ll never run out

Being with her

Makes me want to

Scream and shout.

I want her to know I’ll

Stay by her side.

No matter what happens

I’ll be down for the

Ride.

I wish she was here,

So she could only see

I have her as a friend,

And she means the world to me!

 

“It is better to be hated for what you are then to be loved for what you are not.”

 

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” –George Eliot

 

“When people show you who they are, believe them.” –Maya Angelou

 

“You always miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.” –Source unknown

 

“Motivation is what gets you started.  Habit is what keeps you going.”—Jim Ryan

 

“Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.” –Henry Ford

 

“Those who judge, will be judged.”  --Sam Maritsitch

 

June 25th, 2004

 

“Group On Courage”

 

My definition of what courage is:

 

To have the ability to do what others would be afraid to do.  Being a leader takes courage!  Admitting to your mistakes.

 

Rate My Courage:

 

I would have a pretty high courage rating.  I would have to rate me at a 8!  I would rate myself at an 8, because I am a leader, and being a leader takes a great amount of courage.  I am also very risk taking, and very daring.

 

A time when I did not use courage:

 

When I was raped at age 13, I did not tell any family members.

 

A time when I did use courage:

 

When I wrote a letter to my parents telling the both of them I was raped!

 

 

June 25th, 2004

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was like a 7 ½.  I finished my American Sign Language!  I only need to take that final!  Carl mailed out my letter to my neighbor Judy!  Judy is Danielle’s mother.  I am asking Judy to forgive me for what I have done to her.  I am looking forward to hearing from her.  I also asked her to forgive me and if she would like to improve our relationship with each other.  I know that I will get a response from Judy!  She will not leave me hanging.  I think that it would be a good thing if we could word on our relationship.  Anyways, I found out on Wednesday night that Judy does not have cancer!  I am very thankful about that.  I met with Kirk today.  I did not have a lot to talk about with him.  But, me letting go of Jim, is doing pretty well!  I am glad that I can truthfully say that he isn’t my b-friend!  Well goodnight!  Love-Patrick.

 

[More missing entries…]

 

June 29th, 2004

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

49 days until I have been here for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!  Well, today I was able to go to the Cedar trees!  I was glad that I had the opportunity to be able to do that.  I kept to myself for about most of the field trip.  I got stung by a bee eight times today.  Today I had a lot on my mind!  Today was one of the world’s largest Gay Pride parades!  It happened in Chicago.  Also called Boys Town Chicago!  I was supposed to be on the “Queer As Folk”, parade float!  [scratched out text…illegible]  I feel sad that I could not go.  But, I know that my aunt/godmother and a few of my gay friends will take tons of pictures.  But, I told the both of my parents that I will not be going out with Jim!  I want to go back, but I MUST REMAIN STRONG!  But, I wore my bracelet and t-shirt in memory of the parade!  I am really anxious to talk to my mom and dad tomorrow on the phone!  Well I am going to go now!  PLEASE WRITE ME A MESSAGE!  THANX…  Patrick

 

[No message was left by staff.]

 

June 30th, 2004

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

48 days and counting until I have been here for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!  Well today I feel went pretty darn well!  I talked to my family today on the telephone.  I had a really great talk with everyone.  Yesterday, my neighbor Judy had colon surgery.  Everything went A-OK!  I have to write to her later on tonight.  Tomorrow my Uncle Tim will be having open-heart-surgery!  I hope that goes all and well.  I think that I will know when I will be going home or on another visit!  I cannot wait!  I am only waiting for my American Sign Language final test to come in the mail.  After I take that, I will be done!  In 48 days I will be here for one entire year!  I will be home by then!  I hope so anyways.  I know that I will be having another visit coming up soon!  I am not going to allow ANYTHING to get in my way!  Well besides that—not that much else is going on in my wonderful life/world.  I am going to go now, so like Good bye!  Patrick.

 

[HEAL Note:  Patrick does not get to go home before his 1 year anniversary at the program.]

 

July 1st, 2004

 

“Pain that I am experiencing”

 

Prunes are Devil Food.  Today for snack, Jessica handed out prunes/dried plums today for our snack at 10:30am!  Taylor and I both ate way too many!  We are both feeling major BAD pain!  It is 3:00pm, and I feel like my stomach and insides are going to explode!  It hurts REALLY bad!  So we are both sitting out, of playing anything!  Nobody never told me to not eat that many of them.  After I finished eating them, they broke the news to me!  Now, it feels as if I am going to die!  Well, I’m gonna go!  Patrick.  Hurting!

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

47 days until I have been here for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!  Today went pretty well for me, except for those deviled prunes!  My sister’s letter came in the mail today!  I hope that Carl opens it tonight!  I had such a bad cramp and stomachache!  Read my entrée on the previous page!  You will hear all about it!  Jack is mad at me, because he would not leave us alone, so I told him to act his age.  But, I am happy that today is July 1st.  The DuPage county Fair is on July 24th, so I am hoping to go home for that.  Last night, well, actually this morning, at 3:30am, Kara broke her water!  At 5:28am, she successfully delivered her baby!  I bet that she was very excited!  Well I wrote another letter to my neighbor Danielle, and her mother Judy.  I look forward to seeing them soon, as well as my family and people that mean the world to me!  Love always and forever, Patrick.

 

July 2nd, 2004

 

46 days until I have been here at Turning Winds for one entire year!

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today was a layed back day!  I got the letter from my sister today.  I was happy about that.  I had a short, but good counseling session with Kirk.  Karie, the new counselor, we had her sit in with me.  I am not going to write what we talked about because that is MY SECRET and nobody else needs to know what I talk about.  I wrote a letter to my sister, and to my next door neighbor’s mom Judy, which is Danielle’s mom.  Tomorrow we are celebrating the fourth of July!  Today I had spiked my hair, and I think, and feel that I am mighty fine (jock)!  Lol!  Well in order for me to get more like a male, I am trying the things that they do!  So far it is helping!  Jessica went on a local visit.  I am happy about that!  Patrick.

 

July 3rd, 2004

 

“Saturday’s 2:00pm Journal”

 

45 days until I have been at Turning Winds for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!  Well, until lunch time, all that we have been doing was playing volleyball!  On the last game, Brad, and Owen vs. Taylor, Ashley, Jon, Jenny, and me.  Well, I feel that Taylor and Ashley have been making very rude remarks to Jenny and me!  So, we both said, “Knock it off.”  They still continue to do it.  When everyone in our team, but Jenny, and me went to get the ball, she told me that Taylor said to “set him up so that way he can “SPIKE” it in my face!  I was furious.  I told Owen and he said that not to worry about it, because he doesn’t have good aim anyways.  Right now, I feel that there is something going on with Taylor, and Ashley!  They always talk to each other.  They HAVE to play next to each other, and I hear Taylor tell Ashley don’t worry, it’s ok; when if I was to miss the ball he would yell!  Tomorrow, I am going to talk to Sam.  I enjoy her and I trust her!  Patrick.

 

July 4th, 2004

 

“Sunday’s Motivational”

 

Where I see myself 5 to 10 years from.

 

For my career, I am going to be attending Eastern Illinois University, or the University of Chicago.  I want to be a artitect and a clothing designer/own my own clothing line.  I want to live in Central Lake Side in Boys Town Chicago Condos on the 68th floor.  I want to be married/engaged to my one!  WHO?  I do not know.  I own my clothing store on Michigan Avenue and another one in Boys Town, which is a block away from my house.  I am not going to adopt or have children.  I am hoping to marry another artitetect and we can both open up our company together.  I will have a Sebring Convertible and a Mitsubishe Eclipe (which I do now).  I want to have a sun and moon tattoo.

 

“Team Building Activity”

 

All astronauts; spacesuit provided; fuel provided; spaceship included; in space for one week; can only take 25 things!  Positions: Commander Dan, Communications Patrick, Pilot Chris, Navigator Brandon, Three workers Jennifer, Jenny, and Vanessa.

 

 

July 3rd, 2004

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

45 days left until my ONE YEAR Anniversary here at Turning Winds!

 

Well I am writing this journal entrée on Sunday, because I didn’t do it last night!  So today we celebrated the fourth of July on July 3rd!  We went to the beach and I went swimming, kayaking and canoeing!  I was in the water all day.  We went back to Turning Winds 1, and had a BBQ and watched, “Independence Day!”  Then every one went to Sandpoint, Idaho, and walked onto the long bridge!  We watched Sandpoint’s firework display.  It was oh my!  NOTHING!  I am not used to small firework shows!  But, I had fun anyways!  I have an incident that happen to me last year on July 3rd on my mind!  I will write about it in Sunday’s Journal entrée.  I miss home, family and a few of my friends!  In 45 days it will be August 17th, which would be my year here at Turning Winds!  The 2004 DuPage County Fair is coming up, I think on July 22nd!  I hope to be home for that!  I saw JB & Kara’s baby!  It is such a CUTIE!  Well, I am now going to go.  So like bye!  Patrick.

 

July 4th, 2004

 

“The Rock is Symbolic to”

 

The rock is related to/symbolic to something that I have been thinking about.  So, the rock will symbolize a memory that had happened to me a year exactly from today!  Last year on July 3rd, I was supposed to spend the night at my boyfriend Donny’s house.  His dad had allowed me to stay.  When I got there, his dad was drunk.  He said that I am not staying at his house.  He made me leave.  I was in south Elgin which is 35-40 miles away from my house.  His aunt drove me over to Steak ‘N’ Shake in West Chicago and dropped me off!  I was 10 miles away from home.  My ex-boyfriend Ryan worked at Steak ‘N’ Shake.  We got into a fight that night.  I tried sleeping in a field by Menards.  At one in the morning I called a taxi.  My cell phone was dead, so I had to charge it outside of Wendy’s.  Once it was charged, I called Vanessa.  Then I called a taxi, and around two in the morning the taxi picked me up and dropped me off at Vanessa’s house.  I stayed the night.  Later that day, we worked outside.  Than we went to get her industrial pierced, and I got my belly button pierced.  Later on that night Vanessa and I went over to South Central St. Charles High School.  We got picked up by Mike and his girlfriend Kim.  We all went back to their apartments.  Mike went to go buy alcohol.  When he came back I got drunk.  I ended [“up” is scratched out and replaced] forced/peer pressured into having sex with Mike.  Then we all went to go see the 4th of July fireworks at the Kane County Fairgrounds.  Afterwards I had sex with Tofur.  My parents tried calling me, but I won’t answer!  Brooke called; I answered, and my dad picked me up when I was drunk, and [“looked like” is scratched out] dressed drag!  I was only dust, and not a rock!

 

This rock represents this bad memorie that I’m letting go!  When I go home for good, I will be strong as a rock, and say no to what is wrong!  Now I am a rock, and will say no to what I feel is wrong!  I am tough, and very emotionally strong!  I AM THE ROCK & I AM STRONG!

 

When this happened, I was only the rock’s dust, and not a whole rock!  The rock also reminds me on how stubborn I can be.

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

44 days until I have been here for ONE ENTIRE YEAR AT TURNING WINDS!

 

Well today my day had been emotionally tough for me!  On the previous page, will tell you about an incident that had happened to me last year on the fourth (4th) of July.  I have been thinking a great deal about that.  It brought me to tears at times today, whenever I started to think about it!  But, anyways HAVE A HAPPY 4th of July.  I did not get talked to today about no chilling with the boys/acting like a girl.  I am still thinking about my family.  My belly button is hurting.  I do not know why.  In 44 days will be August 17th!  I will be here for one entire year on August 17th!  HOLY COW!  I am looking forward to going home for the 2004 DuPage County Fair!  It is like less than three weeks away!  I can not wait!  I cannot wait until today is done and over with.  Jessica comes back tomorrow!  That is exciting!  Anyways, not that much else is going on.  Well I am going to go now, so like Bye!  Patrick.

 

Monday, July 5th, 2004

 

“Goal Time Line”

 

“ Education”

 

End of May ’05: finish 9th grade.  Get driver’s permit.

 

End of May ’06: finish 10th grade.  Get driver’s license.

 

End of May ’07: finish 11th grade.  West Chicago Community High School?

 

End of May ’08: finish 12th grade and graduate from CCHS!

 

August 22nd, ’08: go to University of Chicago/EIU (1st semester)

 

January 1, ’09:  go attend 2nd semester and finish it! (2nd semester)

 

August 22nd, ’10: attend University of Chicago/EIU (1st semester)

 

January 1st, ’10: attend University of Chicago/EIU (2nd semester)

 

August 22nd, ’12: attend University of Chicago/EIU (1st semester)

 

January 1st, ’12: attend University of Chicago/EIU (2nd semester)

 

May 3rd, 2012: Graduate from University of Chicago/EIU!!!

 

“Family”

 

July 22nd, 2004:  Be able to go home for the 2004 DuPage County Fair!

 

By August 17th, 2004 from today 7/5/2004:  I will leave within this time and be home for good!

 

Sept. 10th:  Celebrate my 15th Birthday and neighbor as well.

 

Sept. 25th: Celebrate Dad’s birthday!  Will be 51 years old!

 

Nov. 20th:  Celebrate Kimmy’s Birthday!

 

Dec. 25th:  Celebrate Christmas with family.

 

July 5th, 2004

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

43 days until I have been here at Turning Winds for ONE YEAR!

 

Well today I had a good day, kinda.  I do not know why I was thinking about my godmother Teresa.  Not being able to keep in contact truly hurts.  For now, it is all for the best.  I did not get to go into Sandpoint, Idaho today with Sam!  Hopefully, tomorrow I will get to go with her.  I feel that since I have been doing better, Sam, and I and Carrie have all been getting along with me.  I am glad about that.  I am happy that yesterday is finally done with.  Well not that much else is going on with me!  43 days are remaining until I have been here for one entire year!  I also truly feel that I have been excellent on chilling and hanging out with the boys!  Well, BYE BYE BYE!  Patrick.

 

July 6th, 2004

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

42 days left until I am here at Turning Winds for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!  I love u (Patrick).  Today I can say that I love myself.  Like always.  Anyways, I did get to go into Sandpoint today.  Chilling with Sam is pretty chill/cool.  Oh-great, but sad news in a way!  Josh’s now gone, and is at home forever!  He is never coming back.  Crazy dude.  I am really happy for him.  I am now have been here the second longest!  Jack is first, and then is me.  Cool man!  Tomorrow, I get to call my family!  I am very happy and excited about that!  I look forward to going home for good.  I hope that it is really soon!  I will have to talk to Carl.  The DuPage County Fair is coming up very very very very very soon.  Well I am going to get going now!  Well, I will talk to you laterz.  Ok, well like Bye Bye Bye!  Patrick.

 

July 7th, 2004

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

41 days left until I am here at Turning Winds for one entire Year! 

 

Well my day went pretty well.  I got to talk to my mother, and father, and my grandma & grandpa, and my uncle Tim!  The DuPage County Fair is like on the last week of July on Tuesday!  From what I have been hearing, I might be home for that.  I do not know, what is the deal with my aunt Jonnie!  She is like 38 and today she told my grandma and grandpa that she is moving out!  Today she told her and today she is moving out!  I tried cheering up my grandma’s spirits.  I will be living with my grandma and grandpa on the weekends!  I will have a BIG Bedroom!  Hooray.  My uncle Tim is going to be having a 5 by pass heart surgery on Tuesday!  I hope that all goes well.  Right now my mom told me that she is waiting to hear from Carl & Administration to find out my final date for going back home!  FOR GOOD/FOREVER!  Well I have to keep on doing good!  I got two Chicago post cards in the mail today, from my Mom!  She mailed me another one today!  I look forward to getting that.  Everything is going, so far, so good at home!  That is really good.  Tonight John Baisden, Sr., Jacob, Chris, Dan and I went for a walk!  We did it for the venturing program.  We hiked from the lower house all the way down to the Cocolalla Post Office and back!  I hope that I have a good dream later on tonight!  On our walk/hike we got some beef jerky, ding dongs (chocolate w/filling inside) and ½ of a Hershey chocolate bar!  It was very delicious!  Well not that much is going on.  Oh, on our hike we also ate thimbleberries!  But, anyways, I am going to get going now!  So peace out!  I start school at home in 49 days!  Well, I am going to go now!  So peace out!  Patrick.  PS  My mom told me that she is waiting for me to come home for GOOD!

 

July 8th, 2004

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

40 days until I am here at Turning Winds for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!

 

Today was a good day for me!  I do not have ANY school work that I can do.  I am glad that I am finished with school.  I now work on my personal interests during school.  So that is pretty cool.  I wrote a long letter to my Grandma and Grandpa.  I hope that they will write me back.  Tonight we did a group on focusing!  I really enjoyed it.  I also am ¾ of the way done with my hiking merit badge.  I finished my backpacking merit badge.  I am happy about that.  Dan and I got to roast marshmallows over the electric stove!  I put mine in the microwave!  We both ate one entire bag!  We also got a can of soda!  That hit the spot really well.  I got upset when Jack said that being gay is not right and its not normal.  A few days earlier he said that it is fine.  Whatever!  Anyways, goodnight!  Patrick.  PS  48 days until I start school at the West Chicago Community High School.

 

July 9th, 2004

 

“Group”

 

“Experience you’ve had, that effected you or others in a negative impact.”

 

On September 1st, 2003 I ran away from Turning Winds!  This experience/incident had a negative impact on my family, on myself, and the staff and residents at Turning Winds.  I was only thinking about myself, and I did not give a care about anyone, anything, and the program.  That was a incident/experience that had made a negative impact on myself, and as well as other people.  I was running away from my problems, and from the fear of changing.  I admit that after I was caught, I started to make a positive change!  I will never again run away from my problems and from my fears!  Take my advice and do not run away!  It was negative to myself, but in the long run it helped me!  Patrick.

 

July 9th, 2004

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

39 Days left until I am here at Turning Winds for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!

 

Today I think and feel that I had done a good job, and had a good day!  I went down to the laundry mate with John Baisden, Sr. and did everybody’s laundry.  I got the hook up, and I will leave it at that.  John Sr., and I had a talk about my sexual orientation!  I feel that it went really well.  Today, Carl mailed my disclosure letter to my parents!  Yikes.  I had a talk with Kirk today, and we had a good session with each other.  Also, tomorrow I NEED to talk to Carl.  I have been hearing that they have a final date for me to go home.  But, I am not worrying about that!  In 48 days I will be starting school again, at the West Chicago Community High School.  I am excited and I am looking forward to that!  Well, I am going to get going now!  So, have a nice time, and the DuPage County Fair is moving up SOON!  Patrick.

 

July 10th, 2004

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

38 days until I am here at Turning Winds for one entire year!  Well what can I say about today?  Hmmm—let me think about this… Oh-we got a new kid/male today! I dreamed about it and I told everyone his name!  I got it correct to!  Crazy manz!  A lot happened to me. OK—well we weeded the road today ~ Fun times man.  I have been thinking about John Baisden, Sr. and my talk that we had with each other about my sexual orientation/being Gay!  I talked to Kirk about it and asked me when I started liking males!  I told him before I had the incident with my brother!  [section crossed out and illegible—HEAL Note:  Patrick was molested by his brother at age 6, this is the “incident” referenced]  But, that is a extremely personal thing for me to talk about.  But, I like Mitchell!  He is pretty chill.  I have been talking to him a lot, so that is chill.  I look forward to talking to him more tomorrow.  Anyways, I feel that I have been doing really well with all of my goals!  Especially my goal with improve relationships with male residents.  But for the most part, I am comfortable with my sexual orientation.  Both of my parents said that they will accept that!  I stopped the baby talk.  I also stopped my being/acting stupid, flirting behavior.  Oh, I got two more cards and a letter from my Godmother/Aunt Teresa!  It was a great letter!  I am so happy that the both of us are allowed to keep in contact!  I am writing her back and telling her what’s up!  Plus I told her that is cool that she talks and hangs out with Brooke!  Not so much as Jim.  But, I cannot tell her she can’t talk to him.  But, ya, anyways goodnight and peace out man!  Sweet dreams—(my favorite song by my favorite singer????)  But peace out and goodnight!  Patrick.

 

PS 2 months today until I turn 15 yrs old!

 

[scribbled/scratched out page]

 

Sunday, July 11th, 2004

 

“Issues When I Came Here”

 

 

Funny Story:  When I refused to take out my tongue ring and the M & Ms story when I stole them.

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

37 days until I have been here at Turning Winds for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!

 

Today I made my day not a hole lot of fun!  I feel that I was a jerk today!  I apologized.  I NEED to be more mentally aware!  Tomorrow my day will be much much better!  I promise myself that!  Tonight’s dinner was good, however I disliked the immatation CRAB!  Yuck.  But, I feel that I over-reacted to the situation.  We played BINGO and did a lot of volleyball.  I am still MAD and I am still beating myself up for being a jerk!  I cannot slip!  I want to go home!  I am not going to allow what happened today to affect my progress for going home!  I also need to talk to Carl sometime soon about my leaving date!  But, besides that we had a new kid group!  I learned some new stuff and had a lot of laughs!  God Bless and sweet dreams!  Patrick.

 

July 12th, 2004

 

“What Happens when Angry Group”

 

 

“Things that cause Anger”

 

 

“What is Anger?”

 

 

“How to Control Anger”

 

 

July 12th, 2004

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

36 days until I have been here at Turning Winds for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!

 

I am reading Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I found a Book that I enjoy to read!

 

Today I feel that my day went really well/excellent!  I am in a much better mood.  I did not get in any trouble!  I apologized again.  I had a talk to Carrie.  She said that she noticed that I was in a good mood!  I do not know what happened yesterday.  I worked on a list for the camp out in Montana!  Group tonight went really well.  We did a group about anger!  The counselor Karrie with the “K” pulled me aside and told me that she noticed that I was doing really well on giving other people their personal space!  I am glad about that.  I wrote a very extremely long letter!  Tomorrow my Uncle Tim will have a 5x by pass surgery! (open heart surgery)  I will make sure that I will say a prayer for him.  Two days until I get to talk to my parents!  I cannot wait.  Last night I layed down and I could not talk, yell for help, or move my body!  I forgot to tell Sam that, so I will tell her tomorrow!  I’m going to go!  Patrick.

 

July 13th, 2004

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

35 days until I have been here for ONE ENTIRE Year at Turning Winds! 

 

Today my day was cool.  I got to go on the field trip today!  We all went to the Fish Hatchery, then we went to the middle of nowhere to stock a lake!  It was pretty cool.  I feel that I had a good day! [portion of entry scratched out]  Anyways when I walked in the house (Turning Winds) I looked up at the board, and HOLY COW!  I am still in shock that Jack threw a piece of French toast at Sam and told her she was gay!  Wow—I would have flipped out.  I held Jack accountable for talking more then several x’s and he used condiments!  I feel that he is trying to show off to Mitchell!  Well whatever—not my problem—have too much that I need to work on!  I finished reading Buffy the Vampire Slayer and started the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen!  Goodnight.  Patrick.  PS  Tomorrow I get to talk to my family on the telephone!  Hip-Hip Hooray!

 

July 14th, 2004

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

34 days until I have been here at Turning Winds for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!

 

Today my day went very well.  I cleaned out the van with Chris and Owen!  I talked to JB [John Baisden, Turning Winds Owner] today about going home!  He wants to talk to me tomorrow!  I talked to my mom and dad today!  They got my disclosure letter.  My mom is worried about me going home after reading my disclosure letter.  If everything goes as planned I should be home on July 23rd!  I will be home for three days for the fair!  At least, I will be able to show animals!  I will be home for five days!  I am excited!  When I go home I will be getting a job at the Wheaton Jewel-Osco or Enchanted Castle!  I will be in Boy Scouts, go to church, attend religious education, and be in a sport at school!  I am going to play tennis.  My parents asked about getting restraining order on Jim!  I told them to go ahead and do it!  Patrick  PS  I am giving myself writing assignments to myself for going home!!!

 

[HEAL Note:  Programs like Turning Winds force their “clients” to write false confessions and include outrageous stories about wrong-doing and activities that they’ve never committed.  These are normally called “disclosure letters” or something similar.  As you can see, Patrick believed he would be going home soon for good.  Now, his parents don’t think he is ready because of the disclosure letter.  It is perfect timing to keep a captive and keep the money rolling in as long as possible.  You can also see that Patrick is promising to be a “good” boy and work, be a Boy Scout, attend church, attend religious school, join a sport, and has “approved” of his parents getting a restraining order against his boyfriend/former boyfriend, Jim.  Is he now (July, 2004) the “real” Patrick?]

 

July 15th, 2004

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

33 days until I am here for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!

 

Today my day was pretty chill dude!  I need to work on my rules for going home!  Kirk told me that I NEED to get my rules to him next week!  Exciting.  He told me that I have to go home for a visit.  I have to do perfect!  This visit will decide when I go home!  If I want to be home before August 25, than it has to go well.  I have to make up a set of rules!  So, ya—I am very very very excited about being home!  I am also mentally preparing myself for my home visit.  Group tonight went very well and smooth!  Danielle and Jon went on TREC today!  I have the entire room to myself!  Yak Yak Yak!  Well goodnight to all and peace out, everyone!  Patrick.

 

July 16th, 2004

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

32 days until I have been here at Turning Winds for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!

 

Today I feel that my overall day had gone pretty well.  Danielle and Jon left today to go on TREC.  I am happy for them.  Today I saw Kara and her baby!  The baby started to cry, and Kara went to his need and held him!  I started to tear up and cry because I saw true mother’s love!  I am still working on my rules for going home, my home contract, and my home rules for when I stay home for good!  In two weeks today ~ I will be back home in Chicago, Illinois!  I am writing out a plan for how my home visit will be successful, then I will be home, before the West Chicago Community High School District 94 starts.  Which is August 25th!  If it does not go well ~ then I will not be going home for a while!  So ~ [scratched out words] only family!  That will be a challenge, but I have self-control and mental strength!  I know that I CAN DO IT!!! Goodnight and God Bless!  Patrick  PS  Mitchell and Taylor have been having a lot of private conversations!  I also feel that Taylor, Mitchell [scratched out words] have been giving me very rude looks and I feel as if they are picking on me to just laugh and make fun of me!  I’m a tired about it and stood up for myself.  I got shot down by them.

 

July 16th, 2004

 

“Goals 50 x’s”

 

  1. Begin reestablishing a leadership role amongst peers…  [continued 50 times, hand written]
  2. Begin to show & demonstrate maturity in all activities and situations…[continued 50 times, hand written]

 

July 17th, 2004

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

31 days until I have been here for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!  11 months today!

 

Today my day went actually pretty well.  I am the only male that is living up at the upper house right now!  I love it!  Laugh out loud…   We had a water balloon fight today as well!  I also had to do everyone’s laundry!  Not to gossip, but in one male’s laundry there was only 1 pair of boxers.  I was scared! (LOL)  I was working on my home rules again today!  I need to get it done before I meet with Kirk!  I am excited to be going home in less than two weeks!  It must go successful!  I am continuing to mentally prepare myself for going home!  Today I have been here for (11) elven months!  Very crazy.  I am going to continue to do good!  I start school at the West Chicago Community High School District 94 on August 25!  Plus I have to be home on August 17th or 18th!  (Orientation)  Well, I am going to get going now!  Patrick.

 

July 18th, 2004

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

30 days until I have been here at Turning Winds for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!

 

Today I feel that my day had went pretty good!  However, around 3:00pm I got pretty well a little sad!  I thought about what my parents expect of me when I come home for good.  I was feeling that I did not have a opinion/ well that it did not count!  However, I found a simple solution o that problem!!!  I said to myself things will change, I will gain trust back from the both of my parents once I am doing good at home and they feel that I deserve some trust.  I know that at times they can go a little overboard, but, that is because they love me, and want the best for me and do not want anything/me to go back to the old way that I was.  I have also been continuing to work on my rules and contract for living back at home!  I NEED to get those done, BEFORE I meet with Kirk and JB [John Baisden—Turning Winds Owner] later on this week!!!  I feel that today went pretty well!  I am still continuing to mentally prepare myself for my upcoming home visit!  I know that I can make this home visit successful!  I believe in myself that I can do this!  If I ever needed help or somebody to  talk to, I know my family and Turning Winds are ALWAYS there for me!  In three days (Wednesday), I get to talk to my family again on the telephone!  During volleyball, I felt that Taylor and Jack were being rude/not being considerate of me!  I expressed my feelings.  So, next time I have another problem with that issue involving them I will go directly to staff.  Well not that much else has been going on!  I am going to continue to do good, and I hope that I keep on having the good days!  God Bless & Love always!!! Patrick.

 

July 19th, 2004

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

29 days until I have been here at Turning Winds for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!

 

Today my day was out of the ordinary!  JB [John Baisden, Turning Winds Owner] let the three upper house kids sleep in until 7:30am!  I was glad about that!  Jennifer, Jessica, and I cleaned the upper house this morning.  It was actually pretty fun!  I enjoy cleaning the upper house.  In two days (Wednesday) I get to call my family!  In (11) elven days I will be back at home in Chicago!  I am continuing to mentally prepare myself for that!  I am going to ask around tomorrow to see if anybody else has any rules that I can add onto my list!  I am also helping out Jennifer with her college work!  I am writing a letter to my one and only older sister Kimmy to help me when I come home.  Well, not that much else is new.  I start High School back at home on August 25th!  I am excited.  Goodnight!  Patrick.

 

July 20th, 2004

 

“Tuesday’s Journal’

 

28 days until I have been here for ONE ENTIRE YEAR!

 

Today was such a great day!  I am not going home next Friday!  I am going home this Friday!  The fair starts tomorrow,  I AM EXCITED!  I am going home in less then 72 hours!  My plane leaves Spokane around 7:00am!  I talked to my parents today!  I got to talk to Jerry!  She is a family friend!  She is going to wait until I arrive before she goes back home!  I am looking forward to seeing her and my family!  I got my home rules today from JB!  I will accept the rules and consequences!  Well not that else is going on!  I will write in you later and peace out, and have a wonderful night!!! Patrick.

 

July 21st, 2004

 

“What Would I Do”

 

If I see old friends:  I will walk right by them and act like I did not see them.  If they stop me and start talking to me I will say, “I am not your friend anymore, and please leave me alone/ stop following me, otherwise I will get security!

 

If I was offered a cigarette/drink/drugs:  I will say “no thanks I deserve better then that.”  I will also say “you know that I do not do that anymore.  That was my choice, and I do not want you to be a part of my life for putting me in that situation.”

 

Tried hooking me up with someone:  I will say, “I do not want to have a relationship, and I have myself and my family.  These are the only people I need.”  Then I will leave.

 

[More missing entries…]

 

August 5th, 2004

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Today my day had gone sort of ok.  I was glad that the weather outside was nice!  I gave Carl one of the hardest letters to write.  It is a letter to my parents telling them that at the current time, Brooke is no longer my friend.  I also wrote a letter to my neighbor/ best friend Danielle.  There are a few reasons why I am no longer Brooke’s friend.  One of the reasons is what Brooke and my aunt Teresa told me about Danielle.  I am not going to get into it.  I have another phone call with my parents tomorrow with Carl and my therapist Kirk!  I am sorry for Mitchelle (Hep-B).  I am a little nervous and a little stressed about it.  12 days until my year at Turning Winds! (August 17)  Well, not that much else has been going on.  I will write in you again tomorrow!  Good night… Patrick.

 

August 6th, 2004

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was sad, mad, upset, happy, and it went very weird!  I was nervous about the phone call to my parents today.  I am no longer going home on August 17th as planned.  I am going home for good on Labor Day weekend.  That is only 31 days away…  I am not going to write why, sorry.  I have been having some extremely cool dreams.  Every night, I have dreamed about getting married.  To whom, I am not going to say! (LOL) Wow, I am already ½ way writing on this page and I have a lot more to talk about.  (LOL) Anyways, I got a really cool and rough talk today with my parents.  I talked to my therapist Kirk today.  I told him that I am upset with my aunt and Brooke.  Brooke is no longer my friend anymore!  That was an extremely difficult choice for me.  But, I am going to end this journal entrée my friend…PS  Jon graduated today!!!  Good night… Patrick.

 

August 7th, 2004

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

Today, my day was ok.  I was cold today!  It is 70° F degrees, and it is very chilley outside.  Today, we pulled weeds and chopped wood, well, I stacked wood and moved it.  Today, I was thinking about going home and how I am feeling about that.  I am excited and nervous.  I was also thinking about where I can make some more friends at, when I go home.  Today, Ashley told me that she is trying to get stung by a bee so that she could get her ephy-pin!!!  She told me that I cannot tell… Well, I told Carrie ASAP in private.  Brandon is trying to help her.  Also, Brandon used the middle finger, and silently cussed at Carrie when she was walking away.  I still have to tell Carrie.  I am still having those dreams, and I like them. (LOL)  Well, not that much else has been going on!  30 days until I go home 4 good!  Well, peace out, and Good night!!!  Patrick.

 

[HEAL Note:  The bolded portion exemplifies the “betrayal of peers” (2nd Phase) and “program adherent” (4th Phase) portions of coercive thought reform.]

 

August 7th, 2004

 

“Saturday’s Journal…continued”

 

Also, we had Italian ice cups (my favorite) for dessert.  Group tonight was a lot of fun…  We played party host and then we played skits.  That was a lot of fun.  I am looking forward to going to the upper house, getting ready for bed, get in bed, listen to my cd player, and fall asleep.  I have been having this headache for just about three days and it feels as if it is not going to go away!!!  Well, peace, and like goodnight!  Patrick.

 

August 8th, 2004

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Today my day had gone ok.  Only 29 days left until I go home for good!  I am very excited.  We cleaned today.  Also, we found out about what a lot of the residents have been doing.  It is pretty sad, but I understand…  I have been in their shoes, before.  Today Nathan is moving up to the upper house.  I am happy for [“me” written and X’d out], I mean Nathan. (LOL)  Tonight, group had been a lot of fun.  Well, the activity.  Hmm… What else is going on.  I just hope that he doesn’t snore or more a lot. (LOL)  Well, not that much else has been going on.  Jessica, is moving back down to this house. (Lower House)  I am sad about that, but, I will get over that, in time!!!  I mean, well, not that much else is going on.  So peace out and goodnight… Patrick.

 

August 9th, 2004

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Today felt a little like a Tuesday. (LOL)  I still have been having crazy, but yet romantic dreams.  I love it!  Counselor Karrie quit today.  I understood her reasons.  Anyways, only 28 days until I go home for ever!  I am extremely happy about that.  I feel that I have been myself, minus a few extra things, but, I can have laterz.  Hmm-the lower house boys are putting drywall in their room!  So, that is going to look neat once it is done.  Group tonight was a ok.  I liked it.  I will not be here for the play that the teens will be doing.  I am really looking forward to going to bed, I hope to have my wonderful dreams.  Well, not that much else has been going on!  2 days until I call home.  Goodnight…  PS: Jon came back today!

 

August 10th, 2004

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day had gone very smooth and good!  Tomorrow, I get to talk to my parents on the phone.  A month today will be turning 15 years old.  (September 10th)  Tonight, I felt that the same people were goofing off in group.  I have been trying to stay away from all trouble.  I am not going to sacrifice going home for a minute of dumb-trouble.  27 days until I go home for good!  Today, JB [John Baisden, Turning Winds Owner] and I had a great conversation with each other.  He told me about the way I dress will effect others and we talked about first impressions, and he told me that he has nothing agenst me for being homosexual.  I threw away the black barbed wire bracelet this morning!  But, I have to let that go.  Anyways, goodnight!  Patrick.

 

August 11th, 2004

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

Well today was great!  It got better, and better by the minute!  Today I got to talk to my parents.  My mom is in Springfield, Illinois, and my rabbits won at the state fair!  That was good to hear.  My parents got EVERYTHING out of my room!  It is ready to be pained, new everything, and then I have to put my stuff back!  I have a lot of clothes and stuff!  I am no longer going home on September 6th!  Instead, I am going home on September 3rd!  22 days until I go home for good!  We are out camping and it is a heck load of fun.  I had a great phone call.  I was very pleased about how my phone call had went.  My headache will not go away!  I have had it for about one week!  Well, peace out, and goodnight… Patrick.

 

August 12th, 2004

 

“Thursday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was odd, different, and it felt like today is a Saturday.  I woke up in the forest, in a tent.  Very weird—I forgot that I was camping with the upper house.  Hmm—only 21 days left until I go home forever/good.  I might even meet Jessica, on the Mississippi River or Galena, Illinois a few days once I get out of here.  I helped JB [John Baisden, Turning Winds Owner] put up the handrail, leading down into basement.  Tonight Jack comes back…  Dan left on a local visit today.  Hmm… We are going to go back camping laterz tonight, as soon as John Sr. gets back here.  Well, today was very hot!  We did work projects all day!  It is not my favorite thing, but, hey it has to be done.  Well, not that much else is happening!  Goodnight & leave me a note… Patrick.

 

[HEAL Note:  Please remember that staff read the journals nightly and that stating abuse or any unethical/illegal activities by the Turning Winds staff would result in punishment.  The purpose of bolding in red the fact that Patrick forgot he was camping overnight is to give another example of anxiety and trauma and/or a dissociative state.  No note was left by staff for Patrick.]

 

August 13th, 2004

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today my day, once again had felt like another Saturday.  I came back this morning from camping.  Then the upper house, and Jessica did laundry.  I got my morning meds at 3:00pm!  I think that I have been doing awesome, when I did not have my meds.  I really want to get taken off, before I go home.  I have to talk to Sam.  I am very tired without them.  The lower house males finished their bedroom today, and the carpet on the front steps.  They got new furniture, pretty cool.  I only have 20 days, until I go home 4 ever!  I had 1 ½ hour long session with my counselor/therapist Kirk.  It was great.  We role-played…  Also, we got to see the opening to the 28 Olympic games!  I have to see swimming and tennis!  I have to! (LOL)  Well, for today being Friday the 13th I have been doing ok!  Well, goodnight.  Patrick.

 

August 14th, 2004

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

Well yeah like my day was so totally cool.  We stained the lower house’s boy’s bedroom furniture.  I am really dizzy from the stain fumes.  (LOL)  Today I got pictures and a letter from my best friend Justine!  I hope that Carl goes over it tonight.  We went to the Lake and had BBQ’d hot dogs.  Nothing else has been a going on.  Dan came back this afternoon from his visit.  19 days until I go home forever.  I am very very excited about that.  This morning I cannot believe the stunt that the girls had pulled with the food.  Today I was supposed to go to a concert with my sister and my neighbor.  We were going to see Staxic-X.  Well, goodnight…Patrick.

 

August 15th, 2004

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was pretty great!  We go to sleep into 10am this morning because we did not get to bed until 2:00am!  I am really happy that the USA won the gold metal in swimming today.  I wonder who will win gold and etc. in tennis.  Today I cleaned and that was just about it.  Hmm—what else has been going on.  Three days until I get to call home!  18 days until I go home forever.  I am really looking forward to that.  Well, I hope that time flys by fast.  Not that much else has been going on.  This morning, Motivational Activity (MA)—went really good and for group activity we played Death Ball AKA volleyball.  Well goodnight…

 

August 16th, 2004

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Today was ok, you can say.  I was supposed to go home for good tomorrow, but we changed it to September 3rd.  I only have 17 days left.  I am very excited and happy about that!  That will not change.  Today we had a special visitor.  He is in the Army and his name is Luke Morrison.  It was very intrusting talking to him.  And, we had Educational Consultants and the state of Idaho Health and Welfare.  The army person Luke reminded me and looks A LOT like a friend.  But, today it was hot—around 90° (F).  Hmm-not that much else has been a going on.  Tomorrow, I have to go to the doctors!  At least I will get to go out somewhere.  Well, not that much else has been a going on.  Good Night!  Patrick.

 

August 17th, 2004

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day-I thought a little too much!  I have been at Turning Winds for ONE ENTIRE YEAR TODAY!  I only have 16 days until I go home for good!  I  got a letter today from one of my best friends, Justine.  She is a really good person.  I wrote her a 5 page letter back.  I thought the entire day about my dream that I had last night.  What does it mean, will it come true, etc.  I loved the dream, but, I always tend to believe are true, or will come true to a sertane extant!  Anyways, I went to URGENT CARE today to get some more blood drawn.  They tested me for HIV.  Take as much bllod that they want.  Well, not much else is going on, so I will write later.  Goodnight.  Patrick.

 

[More missing entries…]

 

August 20th, 2004

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Well today I wasent here.  I took Jessica to the airport.  I cried so much.  I only have 13 days left until I go home for good.  I went swimming with John Sr. at Lake Couer d’Alene, then I got cut on my arm and front because of all of the glass.  I loved the play “Cats” last night.  So awesome, and I was looking at how they dressed so I have a lot of new ideas on creating my portfolio.  I am excited.  After that we went to pizza hut.  I only ate 1 piece of pizza because John Sr. fed me earlier.  Well, that is it for tonight and I will write in you laterz.  Goodnight… Patrick.

 

 

August 22nd, 2004

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

Well today had been pretty ok.  I was kinda crazy today, but I will pull it together.  Tomorrow, I guess that we all get to go on a field trip.  I only have 11 days until I go home forever.  I am so excited and I cannot wait!  I got to talk to Jessica today on the telephone.  She has been doing good.  She told me that she talked to her mom and her mom and Jessica told me that once I get out of here, they want to meet up and spend the weekend with each other in Galena, Illinois.  I was happy and I am looking forward to that day once it comes.  Not a hole lot has been going on.  I am going to go now and I will write more laterz!  Patrick.

 

 

[HEAL Note: What “goals/activities” are more appropriate for a 14 year old?]

 

August 23rd, 2004

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Today was a ok, but very hurting.  We went on our field trip today, and it never stopped raining!  We ran into a moose and it was running in the middle of the street for about 4-5 miles at the speed of 25mph.  It was funny but sad at the same time.  We came back from the field trip soaking wet!  I hiked with Sam the entire time.  We had some good talks and such about me going home.  I only have ten days left until I go home for good.  I am trying to do good.  I have slipped a little, but I am working on it.  Today, we drove by Rocky Mountain Academy, and it reminded me of my friend that is there right now!  He gets out in the first week of September!  Well, I am going to go now!  Patrick.

 

August 24th, 2004

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was cool, but such an unusual day.  We played a long game of speed ball, and Carl and Owen cheated!  Then we stayed in the entire day!  Then we all went outside and played a very long game of ultimate football in the down pouring rain. (LOL)  I only have 9 days left until I go home forever!  I am totally excited, but as well nervous.  My high school starts tomorrow!  I also get to call home tomorrow.  I am very happy that time has been flying by super fast!  Not that much else has been happening.  Well, I am going to get going now.  I will write more tomorrow.  Good night… Patrick.

 

August 26th, 2004

 

Today my day was excellent!  I only have 8 more days until I go home for good.  Tonight’s group with Paul so alsome.  I am going to miss his play groups.  I have learned so much.  Sorry that I do not have last night’s journal.  I had a great phone call with my family yesterday!  Today, Taylor, Jenny, Brandon, John Sr., and I all chopped wood.  Jenny has strong arms!  She can cut wood like no other girl!  Amazing!  We tried breaking into the hygine closet with butter knifes, because Carl had accidently taken the keys home with him.  Then John Sr., Jenny and I was throwing the football and playing catch during shower time in the house!  It was a lot of fun.  Well, that is all for today.  God Bless and loved you all!  Patrick.

 

August 27th, 2004

 

“Friday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was great!  I went out to eat at Jalapeno’s!  Then we all went out to see a football game.  I was rooting for Wampa, Idaho!  They lost to Sandpoint.  I only have 7 days left until I go home for ever.  I am so excited and pumped up!  I am tired.  So I can not really write that well.  So, like sorry but I am going to end this journal entrée.  Good night and God bless.  Love always and forever, Patrick.

 

August 28th, 2004

 

“Saturday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was a ok great day!  I got to go to Teire’s home today.  I got to meet her father as well.  Today will be my last Saturday at Turning Winds!  I have been waiting so long until I get to go home and now I am going home 4 good!  I only have 6 days until I go home for good.  I hope that Jessica will call tomorrow!  I really want to talk to her.  I will hopefully be seeing her on Labor Day weekend.  We did a lot of wood today!  I mean a lot!  Hmm—group tonight had been cool.  I disliked it when a few individual residents kept joking around!  Good night and God Bless.. Patrick.

 

August 29th, 2004

 

“Sunday Motivational”

 

(Positives)

 

1.      I am going home for good on Friday, September 3rd.

2.      Improve male relationships is officially off of my goal list.  It has been on since March!  And finished all rules/assignments for going home!

3.      Had excellent phone call with family.  (asked if wanted to talk to Aunt Teresa and I refused—still upset with her.)

4.      Stood up for myself to family/AKA Aunt Teresa/Tess.

5.      Every day this week is my last day at Turning Winds.

6.      Jennifer: Phone call and how she handled. [rest of sentence scratched out]

7.      Mitchell: developing leadership skills

8.      Finishing strong and not slipping and don’t care/ I care and doing good for my remaining time at Turning Winds.

 

August 29th, 2004

 

“Sunday’s Journal”

 

5 days Left!!!  Today my day had felt as time would never pass by.  I had gotten in some mischievous trouble today.   But, enough about that.  Today is my last Sunday at Turning Winds.  I only have 5 (five) more days until I go home for good.  Jessica did not call today.  Oh well—I will hear her on Friday!  I am hoping that Time will fly by fast.  Group tonight was a lot of fun tonight.  Taylor and I had made a really awesome dinner.  We cleaned today… I have already started to pack my luggage.  Well, not that much else had happened today.  Well that is all Good night and God bless… Patrick.

 

August 30th, 2004

 

“Monday’s Journal”

 

Today I was extremely bored ALL DAY!  I have nothing that I can really do!  So, I was thinking and singing all day.  Tonight’s group was alsome!  However, we all found out that Carrie is leaving for good this Friday!   I leave to go home for good at 3:00am on Friday as well!  So, we both leave on the same day.  It is sad, but life will go on.  I only have four days until I go home for good.  I felt sorry 4 Jennifer, when she told me “at least I still have Carrie when you leave.”  I will pray for her as well as everyone else…  Besides that not that much else has been going on.  Hmm tomorrow I have to go into Sandpoint, Idaho for a dentist appointment with Doctor Davidson.  Well, not that much else has been going on.  Goodnight and God bless…Patrick.

 

August 31st, 2004

 

“Tuesday’s Journal”

 

Today was a great day!  I went to the dentist.  They said that I have been taking good care of my teeth!  I only have 3 cavities.  I also was totally bored out of my mind today!  I got another letter from my best friend Justine!  She also sent me a invitation to be her escort to her quincente!  I also have to dance with her.  We have to do a Mexican dance, and I do not know a lot about Mexican dancing, so I will have to learn from her!  I am totally happy that I only have 3 days left until I go home for good!  Tomorrow, I get to talk to my parents and family.  I hope that time will pass by faster once I talk to my family.  Well Good night and God Bless… Patrick.

 

September 1st, 2004

 

“Wednesday’s Journal”

 

Today my day was extremely boring! (LOL)  I talked to my family today.  Everyone is so excited that I am coming home for good on Friday!  Tomorrow will be my last day!  That is going to be very weird living back at home.  Today was my last day seeing Owen, Sam, and Carl.  I still have to pack a lot of my stuff.  I was also thinking a lot about home.  I have made a lot of changes!  I am going to miss the people here at Turning Winds a lot.  I had a great phone call tonight!  It was my last phone call.  Hmm-not that much else has been going on.  I write possibly write laterz, Well, God Bless and wish me luck!  Patrick.

 PS  A year ago I ran away from Turning Winds!

 

[Loose Note/Assignment]

 

“Ideas & Such I cannot Remember”

 

“Who I am, and Who I Was”

 

By: Patrick Liberg, 14, IL

 

Who I am and who I was are two different me’s.  Who I was is a troubled mentally insane teen.  Who I am is a wonderful, successful, handsome young man.  Who I am now is the true real me.  Who I was well let’s just say that he had decided to make a dramatic change.  By going to Turning Winds, that is where he made the change.  Turning Winds is a “Life Changing Experience”, and I will never forget my stay.  I can truefully say that I had made a change and that change had came from inside of me.  Turning Winds is the only place where a troubled teen can truefully make a change.  Thank you Turning Winds for helping me Patrick 14-Illinois change to make that inside change.

 

[Out of Turning Winds…]

 

Friday, November 5th, 2004  Time: 1:40pm

 

Dear Brookemaster;

 

Hey!  What is going on with you?  Well, I was at school today until I had to go home… I was outside during my lunch period and I had a “panic attack”.  It scared the shit out of me… So, I lefted campus and walked home.  (I didn’t tell the school, cause everytime this happens, they put me in a bed and give me crackers and say you’ll be fine.)  But, I called the school after it was over, and my mom bitched them out!!!  So, I won’t get marked absent…  I am so happy that Christmas is almost here!  I get to see you.  And, I am allowed to see you. (at the DuPage County Fair…Wut I mean is that I won’t have to “go around,” my family.)  Today; well today, Saturday, and Sunday I get to see Kyle!  (Your friend Kyle O.)  I am excited!  I also get to se MARK!!!  (Your friend Mark!)  I have not seen those two in over 1 year and 2 months!!!  I still have a crush on Mark.  OHHHHH—remember at your Birthday party last year—there was this REALLY HOT SEXY STUD,” named (drum roll please….) Blake?  Well, I guess that he is “out-of-the-closet.”  Kyle told me…  Ahh- I asked Kyle if he would talk to him 4 me.  That would be cool if I went out with Blake.  I won’t get my hopes up too high!  But, I might be changing to a new school!  IT IS NOT A PRIVATE SCHOOL…  I have some family that lives in Villa Park.  There last name is K----. (I think that’s how they spell it.)  But, back on target.  I will still be living in Chicago, but, my Aunt and Uncle will claim residency for me in Villa Park.  I will be attending Willow Brook.  Bigger school, more students, nice school, and bigger gay population.  Those are some of the few reason’s why, I am transferring…

 

Mary 7th, 2005

 

Monday 9:26am

 

Hey Kimmy,

 

What is up sister?  I am sorry that I haven’t wrote to you in a while!  I didn’t want to tell you anything like suicide.  So, that is the reason I haven’t wrote you.  Sometimes, I need to break-away from everyone and stop and think about myself and not worry about other people’s problems… I hope that you will get this before Sunday!  Last night, I asked Mom if I could go to Chicago on Saturday to go see Bill!!!  Then, on Sunday I get to go visit you!  I’m excited…  Mom told me that if I go to school this week (5 days) and ON TIME, then I can go see Bill!  And, if I help out around the house, they will give me $$money$$ to spend!  I love Bill!  I will take pictures of Bill and me together and get them 1-Hour-Photo at your Wal-Mart so that way you can see them!  And, you can see what he looks like in color!  Were you allowed to have the photos that I printed off of the computer and mailed to you?  I hope…Nick and me don’t really talk to little Kevin.  Nick is mad at him and I can’t stand him.  I have changed how I’m acting!  I don’t want to be a meanie-head like Kevin and no on can’t stand to be around!  I want people to ENJOY being around me!  Patrick.

 

 

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